Saturday, September 18, 2010

"Jersey Shore" jumps the shark...


Everyone has their guilty pleasures, stuff they would never admit in public to enjoying. The MTV reality series "Jersey Shore" is one of them. These former lovable "Guidos and Guidettes" took to the Jersey Shore in their first season and tore shit up. It was a blast. There was a plethora of fights, love affairs, fist-pumping, tanning, laundry and working out. Through it all these representatives of "East Coast Guido Culture", these laughable goons who live to drink, party and "hook up", became the darlings of pop culture. They became the toast of Hollywood, making appearances and getting invites to every red carpet event there is.

They stuck together to get paid what they deserved as one of the highest-rated shows in the history of the MTV network, and it worked. So now onwards to Season two, where the sheen has definitely worn off on these tired Guido clichés. What was once cute and harmless fun has morphed into some seriously mentally warped social tendencies. They have now officially become cartoon characters, fun-house mirror reflections of their empty and pathetic lives. Case in point-

Ronnie and Sammi certainly made a nice couple and seemed devoted to each other. But that changed in Season Two as Ronnie went balls-out to show the world what an emotional primate he is. Turns out this affable Gorilla Juicehead is really an incredibly asinine and creepy individual with serious anger issues towards women. Worst of all, the cat doesn't know how to party. He can't handle his liquor and doesn't know how to hook up with women. He acts like a total idiot when he's at a club.


Sammi, the self-proclaimed "sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" has been exposed as a quivering, pathetic sack of shit with one of the worst cases of low self-esteem this side of Hedda Nussbaum. When the roommates attempt to tell her about Ronnie's cavorting ways, she has the audacity to get mad at THEM to the point where it devolves into a physical altercation with J-Woww. After all that bullshit she goes right back to Ronnie, claiming the drama made their relationship stronger. She looked like a preening jackass walking around the house exclaiming "We're Done!!! That's it!!!" to anyone who would listen every time Ronnie said something grossly insensitive, like calling her a cunt for no reason or saying how she's ruining his life. As if this asshole HAS a life.


Let's get to the ever-tiresome duo of J-Woww and Snooki. Like Ronnie, who is half Puerto-Rican (Lord, he had to be Puerto Rican!!! What did we do to deserve this? Isn't Geraldo Rivera enough?), these two aren't actual Italian Americans. Snooki is Chilean adopted by Italian-American foster parents, and J-Woww is of Irish/Spanish descent-in other words, she's just a regular ol' white bitch. Snooki was the cute, tan little twat muffin who got clocked by some drunken goon in Season One (the arrest lead to his dismissal as a public school phys. ed. teacher) and we grew to like her for her goofy charm and inability to "hook-up" with her dream man, an equally stereotypical Guido Juice Head. Her ambitions went no farther than finding her dream man ("Guido Applications Taken Here", she shouts during a pre-Jersey Shore video), moving to Jersey and living her life.

In Season Two, she's seen getting down with housemate Vinnie and then proceeds to tell the world what a gigantic cock he has. Ah, she just oozes with class, doesn't she? She fights constantly with her then-boyfriend, a five-foot nothing jackass she met on MySpace, who Snooki accused of trying to cash in on her "fame" (fame!!! hahaha!!!) for applying to a reality show himself.


They argue over the stupidest shit imaginable and it becomes painfully apparent that no grounded, self-respecting young man could survive the whirling dervish of mentally stunted dysfunction that is Snooki. Her personality disorder is no longer cute, it's pathetic. And the fact that she's cheered on with her undeserved celebrity only highlights how far she will fall once someone turns the lights out on her tired shtick. Snooki, I hope you never get punched in the face again, but I do hope your star lands right back on "RetardLand" and you go back to Poughkeepsie, New York never to be heard from again.

Snooki and J-Woww, when standing together, look like Chewbacca and R2D2 from Star Wars. J-Woww is a disturbingly boorish, unattractive, white trash hooligan with fake breasts and an attitude that is commiserate with her overblown sense of self. When she stands next to Snooki, whom she towers over, they look like greeters at a Freak Show tent. If she were born twenty or so years earlier, she would have made an excellent female Roller Derby enforcer. I picture her skating around knocking bitches out of the rink with massive elbow thrusts and all manner of forearm shivers. Did I mention she's not even Italian? Oh, and the best part-for all her "Street Fightin' Man" demeanor, she gets fucked up by Sammi in a brawl J-Woww herself instigated. How's that for tough? Getting fucked up by a bitch who's biggest opponent to date had been her grotesque hair extensions?


Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino-he is the arrogant ladies' man from Season One who, despite suffering from a severe case of hallucinatory overconfidence, demonstrated some endearing qualities, like being the head chef of the house. And isn't that what being Italian is all about? Once all the shouting and fighting is over, everyone sits down and has dinner together to collectively bond over pasta, chicken cutlets, sausage and peppers and Vitamin Water. He too seems to be trying too hard to become the character he's created in his head. The abs are obnoxious enough (we get it already), especially since his training regimen consists of no leg work whatsoever. His arms are grossly disproportionate to the rest of his body (especially his head), and his narcissistic, homo-erotic tendencies have finally worn thin. This guy, whose sole purpose in life is to live in a "Grenade-Free Zone" (meaning, no hooking up with girls unless they are a "10"), looked quite the fool when he was caught on camera cavorting with a transvestite and getting totally played out on more than one occasion (one memorable scene catches him being told to go play with himself as his hoochie leaves the house without giving up the ass).



Now we get to the show-stopper, the vomit-inducing and utterly repulsive Angelina. This asshole has no redeeming qualities, and from the looks of it should have been put in a garbage bag and thrown in a dumpster immediately upon birth. She is a 100% straight-up psychotic. First of all, she's a duplicitous whore who plays one group of friends in the house against another, then stands on the sidelines to watch the fireworks.

She talked shit about Vinnie, who attempted to expose her, and then sleeps with him while dating some Cuban dickhead named José, another stupid, bloated-on-steroids idiot who can't dress (dude, if you buy your suits at Men's Warehouse, no one's going to like the way you look-I guarantee it) and seems to share the same barber as Heinrich Himmler. This guy gets the prize for "Worst Fade Ever". I wonder how it feels getting played out by this trashy broad on national television, a girl who accepts his gifts and his wining and dining while giving up the ass to someone she supposedly hates.


Not that José would want any from this stank-ass nutria. She is seen on Season Two farting in public and dropping her used feminine hygiene products on the floor of the bathroom for others to see and pick up to throw in the trash. This twat needs to be summarily executed via firing squad. Nothing else will stop this relentlessly amoral snake from breeding and bringing more pollution into this world. I'm sure her mother is sitting in front of the TV wondering, "Is it too late to get an abortion? Is it too late to rid the universe of my cocksucking whore of a daughter?" Unfortunately it is.


Vinnie is a harmless enough character, but he is not cut out for the "GTL" lifestyle. His body is terrible, he has no tan, his hairdo is terrible, and he's stupid enough to fall in love with a Romanian club dancer. He truly believes she is high quality enough to bring home to mama. The fact that she totally disses him, leaving him waiting after he brought her flowers and planned a romantic double-date dinner with Pauly D and his girl goes to show you he is not ready for Prime Time. Dude, do yourself a favor and go to law school like you said. You're not cut out for this life. If that doesn't work out, you can always go back to Miami and work for the Bang Brothers porn network right alongside Ramón, the Cuban John Holmes. Of course Angelina had no problem handling Vinnie's horse cock because she's a whore, a "porn star without-portfolio" if you will.


This leaves us with the only cast member who seems to have a future in entertainment-Pauly D. This guy exhibits the typical Guido playboy tendencies that some of the others wish to aspire to but don't have the personality nor the skill set to pull it off. Between Seasons One and Two he went from local DJ in his home state of Rhode Island to headliner at some pretty exclusive clubs all over the US. He's maintained the mindless frat-house playfulness of the year before, and seems totally unfazed by the attention he's received. In other words, he is the only house member who's maintained his composure.

The only time he lost his cool was because of...Angelina. Go figure. Pauly D goes through life unencumbered by deep thoughts or any type of self-conscious emotional angst. His MO never changes, and he is the only member of this cast that truly shows no scarring from things like a bad upbringing or broken relationships. This cat carries no psychological baggage whatsoever. So here's to you, Pauly-get the fuck off that show as soon as you can and go do your thing. These other idiots are just holding you back.

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