Friday, April 8, 2011

Jersey Shore Redux...

I wrote about these assholes in a previous post, but after watching the cringe-inducing Third Season I am compelled to comment yet again. With the clear exception of Pauly D, I cannot for the life of me understand how any of these jackasses manage to live with themselves without being under constant suicide watch.

The type of people they have shown themselves to be proves my point about reality television-it seeks the most trifling, pettiest, lowest form of human beings, shines the spotlight on these no-talent, attention-grubbing swine and then begs for more and more amoral dysfunction. To make it worse, they get rewarded for their retarded antics with, get this, a raise to $100,000 an episode and a Season Four to be filmed in Italy as we speak. Reality TV has become the driving force of publicly-displayed mental illness, best explained by author and business reporter Patricia Winters Lauro, in which exists an atmosphere where "practically no bodily function is too private and no rude behavior too coarse to be featured".

Four the Soft Way-looking earnest, strutting with a sense of urgency and intense focus that can only mean one thing-GTL!!!"
And these low lives from "Jersey Shore" deliver such boorish behavior in spades. These people possess no redeeming qualities, yet it's this very reason why it's the best-rated show MTV has ever produced. Our only collective solace lies in the fact that eventually they will all be dead some day, a day that cannot come soon enough.

The clogged toilet incident in the Seaside, New Jersey beach house speaks volumes about their personalities. Their vapid psyches constitute what one would find in a backed-up sewage system-feces, urine, blood, puss, and used sanitary napkins. Let's go step by step and describe in detail why the next season of this show should conclude with the cast members being summarily cracked upside their empty heads with baseball bats and buried in a shallow grave á la Joe Pesci in "Casino".

1) Snooki-The affable, self-styled "guidette" of the show has become as palatable as a turd sandwich washed down with rancid milk. The only issue I have with the goon who punched her in Season One is that he didn't hit her hard enough. Now we have to suffer this belching, farting little cunt until her fifteen minutes of fame are over. Unfortunately there seems to be no end in sight to our collective national nightmare. She is planning a spin-off series with J-Woww and has openly spoken about wanting to keep doing "Jersey Shore" for years to come. I guess if I were a talentless little rodent lucky enough to cash in on my seismic personality disorders I too would never want the eternal summer of stupid to end.

She paints herself as a simple little guidette looking for the gorilla juicehead Prince Charming of her dreams who has yet to materialize and seems beyond her grasp. The reality is she is nothing but a tan little chupacabra blinded by the highbeams of her own stupidity. The reason she can't find someone is because she gives each dork she fornicates with about 5 seconds to screw up, and when they inevitably do (usually in the most inconsequential manner) BOOM!!! They're out.

She has the attention span of a methamphetamine addict, and she summarily disposes these guys one after another without a hint of remorse, never stopping to take even one second of introspective pause to digest the futility of mercilessly going through one guido after another without giving any of them the slightest opportunity at a second chance. That's not how you build a meaningful relationship you fat, dumb cow.

Snooki the shameless, disgusting and unrepentant attention whore...
This is not her only obnoxious character flaw, but it's the one that most succinctly defines her. She is looking for meaning in the meaningless, giving prospective guidos all of 30 seconds to bring it or else they're out. When you have a shallow, hollow core of an inner self, nothing can fill the void. All she has to look forward to are more meaningless, drunken hook-ups with equally inebriated dickhead guidos and more disappointment.
  
Dean Wormer was wrong-drunk, fat and stupid IS the way to go through life-
It is meaningless to point out the root causes of her lack of success with men, but her severely stunted emotional maturity and monumental lack of self-reflection (something that afflicts all the characters on the show) must be addressed, because in bizarro world of "Guido Wonderland" these neurotic personality flaws are considered virtues to be held in high regard.

There is no room in the real world for a cartoon character come to life like Snooki. She will inhabit the putrid, rancid world of reality TV until she overdoses on cocktails (emphasis on the word "cock"), an event that will no doubt be caught on video. Because only the medium of TV will be able to destroy what it has created.

She reminds me of a movie monster called C.H.U.D., a misshapen, grotesque beast who ascended from the depths of the murky sewers to wreck havoc on mankind. That's exactly what she is. Good luck with the rest of your life Snooki, you stupid, bloated idiot-you're going to need it.


2) J-Woww-The trashy lifestyle she's been leading up to now is catching up to her. Her features are becoming increasingly run-down and she appears more and more raggedy as time goes on. Pretty soon there won't be enough foundation and spray tanning to cover what she'll look like in the next few years. She resembles one of those tired, old whores who still spends Spring Break in Cancún administering heaping servings of herpes to frat boys young enough to be her sons. Her complexion resembles Derek Jeter's baseball glove from all the fake tanning and hair spray, the amounts of which are as toxic as a nuclear reactor in meltdown mode.

J-Woww, showing us how she plans to skate through life without having to get a real fucking job-
During this latest season her ex-boyfriend, who was at one time her business manager, leaves her and is replaced by Tom, a 'roided up, tattoo-addled Mark McGuire look-alike freak with the most hideous, Chernobyl-roasted tan this side of a hospital burn unit. This, boys and girls, is J-Woww's version of "the ideal man". This relationship will not survive next season's trip to Italy, I'll bet money on it. As an aside, anyone remember her classic lines-

YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT
YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT
YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT
OR YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT.

This is what she chanted to Angelina during an argument, I forgot exactly when. J-Woww, the alleged street-fighting gal, proceeded to get her own ass beat by a girl who has never gotten into a fight in her life when she took on Sammi. That is absolutely classic.

I actually liked J-Woww once, but her pathetic taste in men, the constant self-groping of her fake-ass breasts in front of the mirror, the S&M bondage/dominatrix outfits, and the disgusting public urination (all caught on video for the world to see) puts her right back where she belongs in the pantheon of reality show assholes. The only thing "Wow" about J-Woww one can say is, "Woww, what an asshole!!!" And of course her titties.

Unfortunately for her, the world of trashy biker magazine models is replete with two-dollar skankazoids who will do anything to get on a cover, so her career choices are limited. Let's hope Tom has a good job. This clip is from Season One, and is a clear example of the alternate universe these cretins inhabit. Just listen closely to the commentary, and you'll see what I mean-

Jersey Shore - Snooki On The Dancefloor by TheDlisted

3) Vinny-This doofus cocksucker has no business partaking in the "GTL" lifestyle. He has no style, no hairdo ("nappy-headed ho" would be a more apt description of him-thank you Don Imus for this colorful play on words that thankfully got you fired), no muscles, no game and no fucking tan. Nothing illustrates this pricks' lack of charisma than when he and Deena are trying to hook up in the cholera-ridden beach house hot tub while Snooki is in full cock-block mode. The only pick-up line he could muster to Deena was, "So...what's it like being a dental assistant?" I laughed so hard the echos reverberated all the way back to Seaside.

The question is, how does he hook up with so many bad bitches with this egregiously sub-par rap? Because he's got cameras following him all over the place, that's why. And there is no stronger aphrodisiac than the desire of worthless, insecure losers to suck the poison cock of  fame. It figures that the two hottest girls Vinny and Pauly D "get it in" with happen to be two Dominican hoochies out for a night of relentless whoring. And what better way to show the world you're a typical Latina slut than by agreeing to fuck two strangers while being filmed? Way to live up to the stereotype, you dumb bitches. Next stop for both of them will be the offices of Brazzers.com. But I digress...

Vinny the pasty, bloated Guido gigolo-
The compelling sub-plot of the summer became whether he and Snooki would finally hook up. Snooki, in her inimitably retarded manner, gets pissed at Vinny for doing the same exact thing she does-hooking up with losers stupid enough to lay either of these two amoeba specimens. Her best friend from home, Skylar, couldn't resist the call of the Anaconda and managed to slime her way to infamy by taking his humongous cock completely (don't try this at home, ladies), leaving behind nothing but hurt feelings and a gigantic, dark chasm that was once her vagina.

Muskrat Love-
Regardless of this, Snooki got angry not at her but at Vinny for this unpardonable transgression of guido/guidette dating etiquette. Dude, I've said it before-I understand the only reason you're getting pussy is because you're on TV, and it must be nice. What young man would turn down such an opportunity to go completely apeshit? But please, find something productive to do with your life. You still have time. If all you have going for you are your mother's chicken cutlets and a huge cock, you need to expand your horizons.

4) Deena-The guidette chosen to replace the departed Angelina is Snooki's real-life friend. This self-proclaimed "Blast in a Glass" wasted no time in making an absolute and complete horse's ass of herself. The first night in the house she gets drunk, strips completely naked for Mike (shamelessly sporting some pretty porno-esque butt cheeks and a nicely shaven hoo-haa), attempts to hook up with Vinny in the hot tub, and gets into a screaming match with Sammi and Ronnie for absolutely no fucking reason.

Deena exhibiting the prototypical Jersey Shore pose-ass wide open, face always to the camera-
The perpetually inebriated and constipated Deena is walking an emotional, special-ed tightrope, caught between her one and only dance move (The "Jersey Turnpike", which she describes as "Ass-Up and Face-Down" while grinding a guy's crotch) and the line she uses to describe herself when she's trashed out of her mind ("I'm a good person!!!") screeched at the top of her lungs like a bat flying through a dizzying maze of empty liquor bottles. This swollen little Italian sweathog used to be a dental assistant back home in FuckFace, New Jersey. Good thing for the profession she'll probably not return to sully this well-respected field.

How to describe her face? She looks like a baboon drinking vinegar. She is by far the homeliest cast member, but she makes up for her lack of looks with a plethora of attention-grabbing antics driven by an insecure and neurotic need to be noticed that have cast so many self-respecting Italian Americans in such a repulsive light that some offended parties have taken to boycotting the show. At first I was like "C'mon, motherfuckers-get a fucking life and stop whining". But after getting a load of her antics, now I understand their point of view.
  
Deena, Queen of the Guido Bitches-
Deena drinks too much, fucks too much, and is, figuratively and literally, full of shit. She hits the dance floor and immediately sets the tone by showing her pussy and falling all over the floor in a pathetic, drunken heap. The highlight of her summer was a vain attempt at dispelling the rumor, started by someone at the local barbershop, that she doesn't suck dick but loves to eat ass. When I first heard this I was not surprised, as she comes across as such a class act.  But "She's a good person" you say!!! No, she's NOT. She is a typical New Jersey tramp who doesn't understand that real life does not revolve around relentless drinking binges, waking up when most normal people are coming home from work and roving the night clubs in pursuit of attention and more and more cock.

5) Ronnie-"The Biggest Loser" isn't just the name of the weight-loss reality show, but an apt description of this primordial, half-breed goomba who should be in jail for domestic abuse. Not surprisingly, his steroid-induced, woman-hating rageaholic moments where he trashes his girlfriend's belongings and flings all her shit, including her bed (while she's still on it), out onto the patio and then breaks her glasses are the biggest and most regrettable highlights of Season Three.

Domestic violence poster boy Ronnie, enjoying happier times-
This is the same guy who said in the very first episode of the very first season "I only have one rule-don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore". He sounded so sincere and earnest when he said it, yet this was the very first thing he did. From there it was all downhill. And when he wasn't going into full Joel Stienberg mode, he was crying like a little bitch in front of the cameras and repeating over and over again, "That's it, I'm done". No Ronnie, WE are the ones who are done. Then again, he has a drunken sailor for a mother, who instead of preparing chicken cutlets and mopping and sweeping the house like Vinny's mom, drinks herself into oblivion during daylight hours. It's hard to gauge the level of authentic embarrassment experienced by Ronnie after she called the beach house in a drunken stupor, but even goons like him have their limits.

His worst crime isn't the anti-social disorder that has turned him into an emotionally unstable and psychologically unhinged freak. It's the fact that he should have spent every waking moment fucking the hell out of his Amazon beast of a girlfriend. Sammi is pretty, has an incredible body, no self-respect and is in deep love with this 1980's throwback English soccer hooligan.

Ronnie, performing dysfunctional feats of strength illegal in most states-
This should be a lesson to all you stupid-ass bitches out there who love gorilla juicehead guidos-it's not all hair gel, tanning, T-shirt time and fist pumping at the club. The behind the scenes action is all about the petty jealousy, incoherent rages and moronic, immature behavior usually exhibited in a maximum security penitentiary, which is where he will wind up if he doesn't chill the fuck out. Which leads us to the ying of his yang...

6) Sammi Sweetheart-She has gone from the self-proclaimed "Sweetest Bitch You'll Ever Meet" to "The Absolute Dumbest, Most Insecure and Needy Twat You'll Ever Want to Date Rape". She is the 21st. century version of what a domestic violence victim looks like, with an unrepentant stupidity that reaches new depths even for television. She is a dumb bitch who many viewers secretly hope becomes an actual victim of Ronnie's volcanic outbursts just so that she can finally shut the fuck up. Many guys have been left wondering why the fuck they can't find a bitch as stupid as this. Then again, her arrogant, duplicitous bullshit is about as attractive and inviting as a barbed wire enema.

Nothing says "I Love You" quite like being called a cunt and a whore by your boyfriend on national TV-
She resembles a wild animal caught in an oil spill, unwilling and unable to extricate herself from a toxic, loveless and abusive relationship. These two mentally stunted pinheads are neither in love nor do they respect each other. The list of grievances is too long to spell out, but suffice it to say there really is no going back for these two. Which means only one thing-they'll be back together in time to go to Italy for the sole purpose of sucking the life out of the mindless fun the show was supposed to revolve around.

Sammi the college soccer star. Yes, this dumb bitch went to college and still managed to stay stupid-
What boggles the mind is Sammi graduated college and comes from a seemingly stable family. She looks well-fed and thick in all the right places. So why the fuck does she act like a dumb ghetto ho from the projects? Her self-esteem is so low, I'm surprised she hasn't let Ronnie pimp her out in the streets. She is such a loser I can see her easily getting talked into this line of work. She'd make a lot of money at it, too, more than pushing monkey-piss perfume to little pre-teen wanna-be whores at Mandee's. 

Where did it all go wrong?
I can see her now parading up and down Queens Boulevard giving head to all the drug dealers from the 'hood in between parked cars. And I can see them pouring malt liquor on her head and laughing while she's out there slurping cock after cock. And you best believe these cats will line up around the block waiting for the chance to fuck a beautiful white girl in the ass. Hey, that's how players roll, my son...

7) Mike Sorrentino-I refuse to call this idiot "The Situation". The only situation left for him is to be found at the side of some dirt road bound, gagged, and tortured with his head cut off like they do in Mexico. This would be a cause for immense celebration here at the home offices of "Busting Chops". The constant exhibition of his abs at clubs, grating to the extreme, has finally run it's course, and he has no second act. His aged, greasy, reptilian skin complexion makes him attractive only to other scaly-skinned, slithering freaks who sleep under rocks and seek the warmth of the sun only in tanning salons.

Someone close the lid and nail it shut-PLEASE!!!
His douchbaggery reached unprecedented levels this year, but his magnum opus was saved for last. Never one to be ignored and constantly needing to be the center of attention despite the fact that he's a pathetic and self-absorbed bore, he cast himself into the midst of the last Sammi and Ronnie debacle by instigating the Arvin situation. For those who aren't familiar, Arvin is a shorter, uglier and more deeply-fried version of Lou Ferrigno. This guy is hideous beyond words. He looks like the juiced-up carcass of an aardvark left out in the sun too long.

When Sammi went home for a few days after Ronnie laid waste Godzilla-style to all of her personal belongings, she hit this overcooked wiener up via text message and told him to meet her at some club in Jersey. He shows up a week later than expected, and all the reconciliation work Sammi and Ronnie put into their crumbling car-wreck of a relationship is decimated by Mike, who is friends with Arvin and finds out everything. Then, like the bitch-ass snitch that he is, he runs all over the club telling everyone what just transpired. The tension gets taken back to the beach house, where Mike gets on the phone to extrapolate even more details from Arvin by phone, who seems to be making shit up or exaggerating whatever went on in the past between he and Sammi to cause problems and to get his pathetic monkey ass featured on the show.

Mike ratting Sammi out with Arvin in attendance (far left)-
Arvin confronted by Sammi, with Ronnie fuming (far left) -
Good going, Arvin. Now the whole world knows you can't be trusted. Good luck with that Mafia application, you rat motherfucker. Mike then continues his "Instigation/Hater" tour by taking a phone call from Ronnie's alcoholic mom (who the fuck gets drunk in the middle of the afternoon, except assholes and losers?) and tells her everything that's going on. Mike was definitely a five-alarm asshole this season, but thankfully he has other things to focus on.

He has other interests other than not minding his own fucking business-he is an author, and was filmed last winter at a book signing amidst an avid throng of teenage girls who wanted to suck his balls and wanna-be guido juicehead adolescent males who want to grow up to be just like him. Anyone who would pay full retail to read his crap probably doesn't know how to read. And besides, it must be difficult reading a book written in chalk.This walking skin cancer poster child is too embalmed in his own hubris to be the least bit likable. Of all the cast members, I loathe him and Snooki the most. Let's see to it that these disgraceful, humiliating sub-humans never have offspring. We need to start a campaign to have these people neutered.

Wanna cut the deficit? Replace Medicare with "GTL"!!!

8) DJ Pauly D-This leaves us with the last man standing, Pauly D. I have nothing bad to say about a cat who is just too cool for school. He is Fonzie without the leather jacket and contrived pseudo-tough guy shtick. He is a Guido and damn proud of it. He is stylish, handsome, charismatic and will probably do better in life than any of his other retarded cohorts. He's managed to keep a sense of childish playfulness about him that is at the heart of his personality.

Yes, he is intellectually limited, vacuous and self-absorbed, a man whose deepest thoughts revolve around T-Shirt Time, GTL and dee-jaying terrible house music gigs. But the show is opening doors for him that will never open for any other cast member, simply because he seems like the kind of guy both other guys and women would like to hang out with. His self-confidence is devoid of the shrill, mercenary edge that makes Mike such an insufferable jag-off, and he doesn't have the annoying need to be the center of attention for all the wrong reasons, a sensibility the other cast members are completely oblivious to. He is also the one cast member who managed to make a name for himself for NOT being an asshole. Blow that Grenade Whistle with pride, brother. You've earned the right.


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