Friday, April 8, 2011
Jersey Shore Redux...
The type of people they have shown themselves to be proves my point about reality television-it seeks the most trifling, pettiest, lowest form of human beings, shines the spotlight on these no-talent, attention-grubbing swine and then begs for more and more amoral dysfunction. To make it worse, they get rewarded for their retarded antics with, get this, a raise to $100,000 an episode and a Season Four to be filmed in Italy as we speak. Reality TV has become the driving force of publicly-displayed mental illness, best explained by author and business reporter Patricia Winters Lauro, in which exists an atmosphere where "practically no bodily function is too private and no rude behavior too coarse to be featured".
Four the Soft Way-looking earnest, strutting with a sense of urgency and intense focus that can only mean one thing-GTL!!!"
1) Snooki-The affable, self-styled "guidette" of the show has become as palatable as a turd sandwich washed down with rancid milk. The only issue I have with the goon who punched her in Season One is that he didn't hit her hard enough. Now we have to suffer this belching, farting little cunt until her fifteen minutes of fame are over. Unfortunately there seems to be no end in sight to our collective national nightmare. She is planning a spin-off series with J-Woww and has openly spoken about wanting to keep doing "Jersey Shore" for years to come. I guess if I were a talentless little rodent lucky enough to cash in on my seismic personality disorders I too would never want the eternal summer of stupid to end.
She has the attention span of a methamphetamine addict, and she summarily disposes these guys one after another without a hint of remorse, never stopping to take even one second of introspective pause to digest the futility of mercilessly going through one guido after another without giving any of them the slightest opportunity at a second chance. That's not how you build a meaningful relationship you fat, dumb cow.
Snooki the shameless, disgusting and unrepentant attention whore...
Dean Wormer was wrong-drunk, fat and stupid IS the way to go through life-
There is no room in the real world for a cartoon character come to life like Snooki. She will inhabit the putrid, rancid world of reality TV until she overdoses on cocktails (emphasis on the word "cock"), an event that will no doubt be caught on video. Because only the medium of TV will be able to destroy what it has created.
She reminds me of a movie monster called C.H.U.D., a misshapen, grotesque beast who ascended from the depths of the murky sewers to wreck havoc on mankind. That's exactly what she is. Good luck with the rest of your life Snooki, you stupid, bloated idiot-you're going to need it.
2) J-Woww-The trashy lifestyle she's been leading up to now is catching up to her. Her features are becoming increasingly run-down and she appears more and more raggedy as time goes on. Pretty soon there won't be enough foundation and spray tanning to cover what she'll look like in the next few years. She resembles one of those tired, old whores who still spends Spring Break in Cancún administering heaping servings of herpes to frat boys young enough to be her sons. Her complexion resembles Derek Jeter's baseball glove from all the fake tanning and hair spray, the amounts of which are as toxic as a nuclear reactor in meltdown mode.
J-Woww, showing us how she plans to skate through life without having to get a real fucking job-
YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT
YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT
YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT
OR YOU CAN STAY GET YOUR ASS BEAT.
This is what she chanted to Angelina during an argument, I forgot exactly when. J-Woww, the alleged street-fighting gal, proceeded to get her own ass beat by a girl who has never gotten into a fight in her life when she took on Sammi. That is absolutely classic.
Unfortunately for her, the world of trashy biker magazine models is replete with two-dollar skankazoids who will do anything to get on a cover, so her career choices are limited. Let's hope Tom has a good job. This clip is from Season One, and is a clear example of the alternate universe these cretins inhabit. Just listen closely to the commentary, and you'll see what I mean-
Jersey Shore - Snooki On The Dancefloor by TheDlisted
3) Vinny-This doofus cocksucker has no business partaking in the "GTL" lifestyle. He has no style, no hairdo ("nappy-headed ho" would be a more apt description of him-thank you Don Imus for this colorful play on words that thankfully got you fired), no muscles, no game and no fucking tan. Nothing illustrates this pricks' lack of charisma than when he and Deena are trying to hook up in the cholera-ridden beach house hot tub while Snooki is in full cock-block mode. The only pick-up line he could muster to Deena was, "So...what's it like being a dental assistant?" I laughed so hard the echos reverberated all the way back to Seaside.
The question is, how does he hook up with so many bad bitches with this egregiously sub-par rap? Because he's got cameras following him all over the place, that's why. And there is no stronger aphrodisiac than the desire of worthless, insecure losers to suck the poison cock of fame. It figures that the two hottest girls Vinny and Pauly D "get it in" with happen to be two Dominican hoochies out for a night of relentless whoring. And what better way to show the world you're a typical Latina slut than by agreeing to fuck two strangers while being filmed? Way to live up to the stereotype, you dumb bitches. Next stop for both of them will be the offices of Brazzers.com. But I digress...
Vinny the pasty, bloated Guido gigolo-
4) Deena-The guidette chosen to replace the departed Angelina is Snooki's real-life friend. This self-proclaimed "Blast in a Glass" wasted no time in making an absolute and complete horse's ass of herself. The first night in the house she gets drunk, strips completely naked for Mike (shamelessly sporting some pretty porno-esque butt cheeks and a nicely shaven hoo-haa), attempts to hook up with Vinny in the hot tub, and gets into a screaming match with Sammi and Ronnie for absolutely no fucking reason.
Deena exhibiting the prototypical Jersey Shore pose-ass wide open, face always to the camera-
How to describe her face? She looks like a baboon drinking vinegar. She is by far the homeliest cast member, but she makes up for her lack of looks with a plethora of attention-grabbing antics driven by an insecure and neurotic need to be noticed that have cast so many self-respecting Italian Americans in such a repulsive light that some offended parties have taken to boycotting the show. At first I was like "C'mon, motherfuckers-get a fucking life and stop whining". But after getting a load of her antics, now I understand their point of view.
Deena, Queen of the Guido Bitches-
5) Ronnie-"The Biggest Loser" isn't just the name of the weight-loss reality show, but an apt description of this primordial, half-breed goomba who should be in jail for domestic abuse. Not surprisingly, his steroid-induced, woman-hating rageaholic moments where he trashes his girlfriend's belongings and flings all her shit, including her bed (while she's still on it), out onto the patio and then breaks her glasses are the biggest and most regrettable highlights of Season Three.
Domestic violence poster boy Ronnie, enjoying happier times-
His worst crime isn't the anti-social disorder that has turned him into an emotionally unstable and psychologically unhinged freak. It's the fact that he should have spent every waking moment fucking the hell out of his Amazon beast of a girlfriend. Sammi is pretty, has an incredible body, no self-respect and is in deep love with this 1980's throwback English soccer hooligan.
Ronnie, performing dysfunctional feats of strength illegal in most states-
6) Sammi Sweetheart-She has gone from the self-proclaimed "Sweetest Bitch You'll Ever Meet" to "The Absolute Dumbest, Most Insecure and Needy Twat You'll Ever Want to Date Rape". She is the 21st. century version of what a domestic violence victim looks like, with an unrepentant stupidity that reaches new depths even for television. She is a dumb bitch who many viewers secretly hope becomes an actual victim of Ronnie's volcanic outbursts just so that she can finally shut the fuck up. Many guys have been left wondering why the fuck they can't find a bitch as stupid as this. Then again, her arrogant, duplicitous bullshit is about as attractive and inviting as a barbed wire enema.
Nothing says "I Love You" quite like being called a cunt and a whore by your boyfriend on national TV-
Sammi the college soccer star. Yes, this dumb bitch went to college and still managed to stay stupid-
Where did it all go wrong?
7) Mike Sorrentino-I refuse to call this idiot "The Situation". The only situation left for him is to be found at the side of some dirt road bound, gagged, and tortured with his head cut off like they do in Mexico. This would be a cause for immense celebration here at the home offices of "Busting Chops". The constant exhibition of his abs at clubs, grating to the extreme, has finally run it's course, and he has no second act. His aged, greasy, reptilian skin complexion makes him attractive only to other scaly-skinned, slithering freaks who sleep under rocks and seek the warmth of the sun only in tanning salons.
Someone close the lid and nail it shut-PLEASE!!!
When Sammi went home for a few days after Ronnie laid waste Godzilla-style to all of her personal belongings, she hit this overcooked wiener up via text message and told him to meet her at some club in Jersey. He shows up a week later than expected, and all the reconciliation work Sammi and Ronnie put into their crumbling car-wreck of a relationship is decimated by Mike, who is friends with Arvin and finds out everything. Then, like the bitch-ass snitch that he is, he runs all over the club telling everyone what just transpired. The tension gets taken back to the beach house, where Mike gets on the phone to extrapolate even more details from Arvin by phone, who seems to be making shit up or exaggerating whatever went on in the past between he and Sammi to cause problems and to get his pathetic monkey ass featured on the show.
Mike ratting Sammi out with Arvin in attendance (far left)-
Arvin confronted by Sammi, with Ronnie fuming (far left) -
He has other interests other than not minding his own fucking business-he is an author, and was filmed last winter at a book signing amidst an avid throng of teenage girls who wanted to suck his balls and wanna-be guido juicehead adolescent males who want to grow up to be just like him. Anyone who would pay full retail to read his crap probably doesn't know how to read. And besides, it must be difficult reading a book written in chalk.This walking skin cancer poster child is too embalmed in his own hubris to be the least bit likable. Of all the cast members, I loathe him and Snooki the most. Let's see to it that these disgraceful, humiliating sub-humans never have offspring. We need to start a campaign to have these people neutered.
Wanna cut the deficit? Replace Medicare with "GTL"!!!
8) DJ Pauly D-This leaves us with the last man standing, Pauly D. I have nothing bad to say about a cat who is just too cool for school. He is Fonzie without the leather jacket and contrived pseudo-tough guy shtick. He is a Guido and damn proud of it. He is stylish, handsome, charismatic and will probably do better in life than any of his other retarded cohorts. He's managed to keep a sense of childish playfulness about him that is at the heart of his personality.