Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Chad Johnson, the 34-year old NFL wide receiver who nicknamed himself "Ocho Cinco" a few years ago , has managed to screw his life up about as completely as one can in the span of only a couple of days. First, he head-butts his "wife" (I'll get to her in a minute) during a domestic squabble over a receipt for a box of condoms that apparently were not meant for her, gets arrested for misdemeanor domestic violence, loses his contract for a reality show, gets cut by the only NFL team willing to take a chance on an aging veteran with diminishing skills, and will now see his wife in divorce court after she filed for separation 41 days after they married. That is longer than Noah had his ark sailing across the clear blue seas by one day, and he had a lot more animals to take care of than Johnson, who couldn't keep this heifer in line without losing his temper.
We are going to break down each incident and in the end you be the judge.
1) Chad Johnson gets into a fight with his hoochie reality-star tramp of a wife over a receipt for a box of condoms. If anyone is familiar with this woman, you'll say the same thing I said-"Just what the world needs-another Puerto Rican tramp from the Bronx who's on TV getting rewarded to exhibit her psychotic ghetto tendencies". Yet here she is, leading the conga line to easy money by emasculating yet another prominent sports figure. She's a veteran at this, having been at Antoine Walker's side when times were good and promptly leaving him when he went broke. It was an embarrassment of epic proportions having this trollop as a participant in the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Why not have her on a float alongside Vanessa del Rio so young impressionable Puerto Rican girls can see how to make it big in life with dignity and class?
Look what I got for being a slut? My very own shoe store!!!
2) The subsequent arrest marks the second time Johnson has had a run-in with the law over domestic violence. The first was in college and he married the girl he allegedly beat down. He has managed to maintain his focus during his pro football career, only being a minor nuisance with typical wide receiver displays of arrogance and diva-like behavior. But like Herman Edwards of ESPN stated, teams will look at Johnson and make an assessment whether the off-the-field drama is worth the production. It isn't. Johnson had his worst year last year with the New England Patriots, running around the field like a wounded jackrabbit, while not knowing any of the plays and illustrating that not even a quarterback like Tom Brady can make a receiver look good if said receiver is incompetent and not focused.
3) Johnson and his wife lost their reality show soon after this incident, and I cannot say I'm surprised. If there is no marriage, why would anyone want to see two losers fighting over the dust of whatever finances he has left? Lozada's been here before, having been entangled with one of the most egregious cautionary tales of financial malfeasance this side of Mike Tyson. She was engaged to Boston Celtics' forward Antoine Walker, who at the age of 36 is broke after going through a reported $110 million dollars in salary via bad investments, supporting loser friends, useless family members and whores like Evelyn Lozada.
The couple in more dignified times...
...and again as trashy B-List celebu-whores.
Ah, but check out what this bitch does...when Walker was filing for bankruptcy, she sells the engagement ring he bought her to open up a shoe store in Miami instead of giving the ring back so he could raise some badly needed cash. What type of repugnant skank does this? The type that inhabits the world of reality television. This is one of the few times I am hoping Johnson gets taken to the cleaners in the divorce settlement. Maybe morons like him will finally learn their lesson on how to find quality women to share their lives with.
Evelyn Lozada is not marriage material. She is the type you take to the hotel room for a strip tease before she gives lap dances and blowjobs to all your boys. When you're done filming her taking it in the ass, toss her into the swimming pool from the balcony, however many floors up you may be. That's about what she's worth. And if she gets feisty, bury her alive, bound and gagged, in a shallow grave "pa' que no joda". Believe me, no one will care enough to file a missing person's report.
Evelyn Lozada walking down the aisle dressed in white, despite a lifetime spent handling more cocks than a henhouse...
4) Johnson married a whore who makes her living as a vulture, jumping from one emotionally unstable athlete to another, taking whatever she possibly can and then jumping ship. When she decided to bail out on Johnson after only 41 days, a marriage that was as fictional as the Kardashian/Humphries fiasco, that pretty much sums up the plotline for the abandoned television project. I'm shocked she's gotten this far without ever getting head-butted in a previous relationship. She's so royally despicable, if I were Chad Johnson I would have torn her forehead open with my teeth like George "The Animal" Steele ripping through a turnbuckle.
Lozada as a teenage "cuero del diablo", happily mugging for the camera. Not exactly a natural beauty unless you're into farm animals-
5) And last but certainly not least, Johnson is unemployed and unemployable at the age of 34. Sure, he may have something left in the tank. But in the NFL skill position players can be replaced with relative ease. There are conferences in Division-I college football that recruit speed up and down their lineups, where a 4.3 forty yard dash will barely get you through the door. So why does any NFL team need an asshole like Chad Johnson? Let's not forget what he said during a press conference during his short stint with Miami, that when his playing days are over he's going into porn and his wife would have no say-so in the matter because he's the one bringing home the bread.
Good-bye, Chad. And remember, there's always Brazzers.com waiting to sign you to an exclusive contract if no one in the NFL is interested in your services. Or give TT Boy a call over at Evasive Angles. He always has an opening for another porn stud due to the fact that he has an actor test positive for HIV almost every other week.