Saturday, April 27, 2013

Babe of the Week for April 27, 2013 is...

Melissa King!!!

This is our kind of girl. Pretty, isn't she? Well, beneath the glamour, something devious lurks. Her biography is skimpy given her relative youth and lack of accomplishments, so excuse us for embellishing her life story with a few well-placed expletives that actually classes up her rise to the top. Around the home office at "Busting Chops" we like to call Melissa "The Little Whore That Could". She won the Miss Delaware Teen USA title but was forced to abdicate this prestigious award (which included a crown, a free Huffy ten-speed bike and a year's supply of anal lubricant) when it became public knowledge that she had participated in an amateur porno shoot, captured for posterity on such reputable, family-oriented websites as redtube.com. She initially denied the accusation until another video came out where she is seen speaking into the camera and telling the world who she is, what she's about to do and that she is making the decision under no duress or influence of any kind. All this while signing a release letter giving up her rights to the video and it's contents. BUSTED!!!


As we all know, there is nothing like having an act of public fornication caught on camera for the world to see...over and over again. But in today's society, something like this is no longer a cause for shame. It is a potential stepping stone towards the American Dream-fame without talent and money without work. Our darling Melissa was paid $1,500 for her efforts, and was so bad the producers declined her offer to film more scenes. Before any of you out there get it twisted, this story ain't about some poor, innocent, white trash runaway getting hoodwinked into a life of debauchery by some smooth-talking, daddy-oh pimp at the bus station. No. This "Puta del Diablo" actively procured this gig, and wanted to be in more videos before the producers put the kibosh on the idea. And while she was looking for work in the adult film industry, she was participating in teen beauty pageants "como si na".

One minute she's doing THIS-


..and next she's getting a crown!!! Her parents must be sooo proud!!! 

Once the scandal became public, the offers began pouring in like the semen that cascaded off her chin during her adult film debut. The best one so far is $250,000 by some online porn site to do scenes and promotional ads. She wasn't offered this gig because she's the second coming of Marilyn Chambers; it's because of the negative publicity brought on by the loss of her teen queen crown. There seems to be nothing more fascinating in our religious, right-wing country of ours than a cute white girl from a good family who suffers from the age-old Madonna/Whore Complex. I've seen the adult video in question, by the way-strictly for research purposes, of course. I cannot in good conscience pass an assignment like this on to another staff member when I promised I would never have them do something I wouldn't do.

The scene itself sucked, for lack of a better term. Her performance was terrible. She exhibited none of the talents required to make a go of this profession. She is nothing but a jaded, brain dead hoe in a long, pathetic line of morally bankrupt suburban hoochies that have nothing better to do, and are too lazy to even give porn the proper effort it merits. She recently pleaded guilty to one count of underage alcohol possession and received a one year sentence of unsupervised probation. And since there is nothing like taking one for the team, she told the court the bottle of booze found in her car during a routine traffic stop belonged to her father. Way to throw pappa dukes under the bus, Melissa. This party girl really knows how to have fun. She intends to move on with her life and hopefully become a journalist. Someone needs to tell her that "Screw Magazine" is no longer in circulation and aren't in need of any interns who suck cock on camera.


People like this are beyond shame, and are by default beyond redemption. We have a whole country full of douchebag sluts who've made millionaires out of assholes like the producer for the "Girls Gone Wild" videos, so we shouldn't hold out hope that the youth of America are in any way shocked and appalled by the antics of this one particular skank. Which is why we love her. Thank you, Melissa. The next time I'm in some suburban mall and the salseperson comes at me because she thinks I'm a shoplifter, I'll think nothing of asking her if she'll mind taking having sex on video for a couple of bucks. If she's anything like our golden girl from the state of Delaware-where whores are born and not made-she'll probably say YES.

This actually makes beauty pageants more fun to watch. We can all sit around the TV like families used to do, watch the contestants parade around in their evening wear and play the game "Guess Who's the Whore?" Answer-they ALL are. What pageants should do is hold events that better reflect the morals and skill sets of their twenty-first century contestants. We can have deepthroating, gagging, cum-swallowing, double penetration, and anal sex with a horse-dick stud-which cute little white girl can take the biggest schlong up her ass, while her proud parents sit there yelling "That's our girl!!!" from the side of the stage.

What red-blooded American wouldn't want to tune in to that? These are activities the contestants engage in behind the scenes to get on the pageant circuit, so why not bring it out in the open for all to see? The pageants will benefit from increased ratings and an expanded demographic that will no longer be the sole vestige of hairy armed-pitted, snaggletooth Southern housewives and homosexuals.

Here's our little slut leaving the courtroom accompanied by her attorney, unrepentant and happy as a clam...

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