Contador Re-Signs with Saxo-Bank...

Alberto Contador will be riding again for Bjarne Riis and Saxo Bank, after having served a retroactively dated 2-year suspension for clenbuterol. He was stripped of both his 2010 Tour de France and 2011 Giro D'Italia titles, a total and complete bullshit move if ever there was one. CAS (Court of Arbitration for Sport) set the dates of actual suspension from February 2012 to August 6th. After having his initial contract with Riis nullified, he has signed on again with Saxo Bank. He will now be eligible to ride the Vuelta a España this year, and the way this race has gone the last 10-15 years or so, an in-form Contador will be no match for the type of B-list riders who target this race.

This once proud race, which has a rich history and heritage in it's own right, has devolved, due to it's place on the cycling calendar, into a last-chance saloon for the hobos and desperadoes of professional cycling looking to hang on for at least one more year in the peloton. These cats go to Spain to impress potential team sponsors who are looking for team workers to round out their squads for the following year. Unless a Tour contender couldn't finish the race for whatever reason and needs the Vuelta for redemption, the competition is always second-rate.

But there is still prestige in this grand tour, and Contador will be able to win it convincingly on one leg. Here is the irony of this man's career-if it wasn't for the suspension, which robbed him of a Tour and a Giro title, and the time Astana were barred from the race in 2008, he would have two Giros, three Tours (possibly four with this year's edition) and one Vuelta under his belt. That would make him the most prolific grand tour rider of the last 25 years. As it is he is still the best there is, and with this upcoming chance to redeem himself it should make him once again the all-out favorite for next year's Tour.

Rumor had it that Contador was going to re-sign with Radio Shack and Johan Bruyneel, while the Schleck brothers were going back to Saxo Bank. This turned out to be complete speculative rubbish, and Alberto has singed with Riis for the next three years. Hopefully this will put an the end to the bullshit and he can begin racing at an elite level again. Let's face it-if the Tour is looking at Bradley Wiggins and Cadel Evans as favorites to ignite the race and make it memorable, then you are either not a cycling fan or you need to re-calibrate your excitement meter.

Guaranteed this is going to be the most boring Tour ever. I plan on not watching for the first time since I became a fan of the sport. There are no compelling characters to root for, no interesting plot lines, no nothing. Just two time trial specialists who hedge their bets and limit their losses in the mountains while waiting to attack 500 meters from every mountaintop finish. As for Andy Schleck, he's had a horrible run-up, abandoning the Dauphine Libere race while losing time in the mountains and time trials. He looks more pathetic and unmotivated than usual, so aside from some magic potion Bruyneel can concoct, Andy Schleck will be a non-factor.

Someone wake me up when Contador is once again in his rightful place at the starting line of the Tour. Then I'll watch.

Saxo Bank team owner Bjarne Riis with his star rider, Alberto Contador-

Babe of the Week for June 8, 2012 is...

Viva Brasil!!!

I'm taking a different track with this latest installment of "Babe of the Week". This week I want to celebrate the beautiful women of Brazil, a country who is on the verge of some serious world-wide attention. They are hosting the World Cup in 2014 AND the Summer Olympics in 2016. Forget about the fact that they're behind in their preparations for both events. Forget about the draconian "pacification" measures in what are the most notorious slums on the planet surrounding the sports venues in Rio de Janeiro. Forget about the nepotism and corruption that will guarantee the large majority of the profits to made from tourism and television rights to these events will remain in the relatively few hands of the country's corporate, business and political elite, leaving everyone else fighting over the residual crumbs. Forget about all that for a moment, and let us celebrate Brazil's most incredible natural resource-their women.

Unfortunately, the majority of the tourists who will visit during this time will go on packaged tours geared towards whatever it is the tour operators want their paying customers to see and do. Despite the poverty and the appalling disparity in income between the haves and the fuck-off-and-dies, there is a vibrancy and eclectic nature to Brazilian culture, especially in the favelas, that cannot be starved, subdued, or otherwise marginalized out of existence. If your only exposure to Rio de Janeiro has been the film "City of God", you need to visit as an independent traveler and see the place for yourself.

Brazil is unfortunately going to be inundated with the infamous international whoremonger set, the ubiquitous bloated, loud, balding and flatulent brand of Western European, Russian and North American white trash who have the finances to travel abroad for the sole purpose of drinking copious amounts of cheap booze while farting, belching and vomiting their way through their vacations, all while the natives look on in abject disgust. You can bet your ass the body count for foreign visitors of this ilk will be one of the dirty little secrets Brazil will take to it's grave, because these types of deaths are bad for the tourism industry. There will always be that one idiot with entitlement issues who will stray off the beaten path because he's convinced his status as a white man from  a developed nation is sufficient protection against any asshole looking to take him somewhere to fleece his monkey ass, or worse. But that's what makes the world go 'round, ain't it? Back to the babes-

There is much to this beautiful country, but today we celebrate the women. Anyone planning a trip during these two monumental sporting events will be in for the time of their lives if they play their cards right and don't act like typical turista jackasses. Don't forget to plan that once-in-a-lifetime trip during Carnival, either. There are many countries that put on their version of this celebration, but no one does it like the Brazilians. No one.

The NBA Playoffs...

We are two days away from finding out who will join the Oklahoma Thunder in the NBA Finals. These have been some of the worst playoff series I've ever seen in my life, and thankfully they will be over soon. Watching bad basketball is annoying enough-that's what Division I college is for. But once you get to the pros, you figure these cats can represent themselves with a bit more panache than what we've had to endure so far.

The first round should go back to the previous best-of-5 format. Seven games is just too much, and does nothing but extend the inevitable torture of watching the pathetic lower seeds going down in flames. The outcome of the first round is always predictable, so instead of putting us out of our misery as quickly as possible, the NBA has decided to drown us in prolonged mediocrity. This year an argument could have been made to reduce the first round even further to a best-of-three. Yes, it was that bad.

The ensuing series weren't that much better, with the Boston vs. Philly torturefest as the unanimous winner of  the "Egregiously Bad Basketball Played Badly" award of the year. Here is the problem with Philly, and the same goes for Indiana-they are overachievers driven by micro-managing, control freak coaches. And overachievers have their worst attributes-usually scoring-exposed more harshly during the playoffs than during the regular season. Yes, Doug Collins is a good coach, but he is the type of coach that does better with teams with limited talent because if they aren't run on a short leash, with every single move choreographed from the bench, they'd be lost. But that doesn't make for artistically aesthetic or creative basketball. Watching teams like this is like watching a choreographed play scribbled on a telestrator with magic marker come to life.

The Miami-Indiana series was just as brutal. You have a 7-2 center in Roy Hibbert who has no signature low-post move and could not stop James or Wade ripping towards the basket like the Allies storming the beaches of Normandy. When he scores it's more of an accident than anything else. Now there is talk about him being a max-contract player, which he most definitely is not, but it says more about the overall dearth of talent at this position than his limited skill set. I have never seen a dry spell at the center position in all my years of watching the sport, and seeing who is coming out at the NBA draft this is a situation that will continue for the foreseeable future. There are no Hakeem Olajuwans or Ralph Sampsons coming down the pike, no transcendent big man on the horizon. So we are stuck with stiffs like Hibbert and his overrated contributions to the game.

As for the Miami Heat, their main problem is their lack of fluidity on offense. They decided to sign Lebron James, who isn't polished enough to be a point guard, doesn't shoot well enough to be a shooting guard/small forward, and despite his gargantuan frame doesn't have a sufficient defensive low post presence to be a force in the paint. As talented as he is, his main fault is that he does everything well but cannot be counted on to take over game in any one position.

The Heat need a point guard, because their offense relies on both  James and Wade dribbling around until they chuck up a shot or take the ball to the rack. Granted, they are the best in the world at this, but in the grind-it-out world of half court basketball that dominates the playoffs, this predictability will show up on game films and a team as talented and athletic as the Oklahoma Thunder will put stop this because they have the athletes to match Miami head-to-head.

They need two players that could be available to them-Steve Nash and Stephen Jackson. They can get rid of one of their point guards and put Shane Battier out to pasture. In fact, with Jackson you could also trade Mike Miller, who always seems to be hurt and is a defensive liability. With Nash at the point you will have a more free-flowing offense that won't rely exclusively on James and Wade going one-on-one, which is always susceptible to double-teaming.

The Celtics wouldn't have to blow their team up, as many pundits predict after the year is over, if they had not gotten rid of their core secondary unit. I've said this in a previous post but it bares repeating-they could have used Tony Allen, Kendrick Perkins, Glen Davis and Nate Robinson for players who missed the season due to injury, illness and others who have proven to fall short in the category they are woefully short on-energy and young legs. Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals was a testament to this. The Celtics, in an elimination game on their home court, played like a bunch of "muertos". They looked old, tired and totally unmotivated, and this is what has been their Achilles heel regardless of how much Kevin Garnett balks at this assessment. They lose because they collectively run out of gas. This has affected even Rajon Rondo, who has been putting on a point guard clinic for the ages but cannot do it by playing all 48 minutes of every game. Even HE gets tired.

The talk is that Ray Allen is the player who won't be back next season. Again, if Stephen Jackson is available he can be of use, but he also is getting on in age and would be a better fit in Miami, who have athleticism to spare and could use a defensive-minded three-point specialist to take clutch shots when they need them.

The biggest surprise was the Oklahoma Thunder's complete dismantling of what was arguably the best team heading into the playoffs-the San Antonio Spurs. After the first two games of the series, many felt there was no way the Thunder could win even one game going forward. No one anticipated the beat down Oklahoma laid on them, seeing as the Spurs were not only on a 20-game winning streak but were playing the best team basketball the NBA has seen in years. The bottom line is coach Scottie Brooks made the necessary defensive adjustments, out-coached Gregg Popovich and took advantage of the horses he had and ran San Antonio out of the gym. Even an 18-point first half lead wasn't safe in the final game, and Kevin Durant showed that when he is focused and on his game, no one can stop him. And credit goes to Russell Westbrook for remembering he a point guard first and foremost.

So we are left with an aging Celtics team who may or may not have the legs to show up on Saturday against the marauding Lebron James, who basically beat them all by himself in game 6 of their series, putting up numbers not seen in the playoffs since Wilt Chamberlain 48 years ago. If Boston had not gotten rid of their core secondary unit from a few years ago, this series would have been over already. But even if they win game 7, they will lose and lose badly against the Oklahoma Thunder, who barring injury to any of their key players, looks to sweep whoever comes out of the East. I'm just hoping The Celts put up one last great defiant stand because I want to see a good game, not the bullshit debacle they came up with in game 6. Let's see what happens.

Film Recommendation of the Week...

Stadiums of Hate
BBC Documentary (June 2012)

Two of the worst possible places to hold a multi-day international athletic event involving the countries of Europe are Poland and Ukraine. Yet the governing body of European football took it upon themselves to do just that. I'm all for the beleaguered and long-suffering countries of Eastern Europe to get their moment of inclusion, but the slovenly, reactionary, racist, and batshit crazy lunacy that thrives underneath the surface at football matches in these two countries illustrates that they are unworthy of hosting such events where the spotlight of the world will be subjected to the football hooligans that riddle the landscape of Eastern Europe.

I know I'm going to take heat for these opinions, but if you've never spent time in these places and actually gone to a match in either country you have no reason to opine to the contrary. There is one overriding issue that boggles the mind-the type of racism that is rampant in these parts. For this, we need a bit of a history lesson. Let's start with Poland.

Recently, and by this I mean the mid-20th Century, Poland became what is for all intent and purposes the largest Jewish cemetary in the world. You're talking about roughly 90-95% of the Jewish population annihilated by the Nazis. And don't think the few that managed to return alive were greeted with open arms. Plenty of times during post-war football matches where Jews participated were heard chants of "off to the gas chambers!!! Burn the Jews in the ovens!!!" coming from the stands. And this was immediately after the war.

We've all heard Polish jokes and wondered why these people are considered so stupid when there are so many others to choose from. Here is why-during this dreadful time in history when The Holocaust was raging over Eastern Europe, over 3 million Polish civilians simultaneously lost their lives to the same bastards whom they idolize in their racist propaganda today-The Nazis. They, along with the Russians, murdered the large majority of the military and civilian intelligentsia in Poland, with the Katyn Massacre virtually obliterating the officer class of the Polish army to the point where it still has not recovered to this day. That is devastation of epic proportions. It wasn't only the doctors, lawyers and businessmen but the clergy, artists, and basically anyone with any type of intellectual or artistic talent that were targeted for deliberate death.

Guess who was left-the working class brutes whose superstitions, prejudices and lack of education is what has been passed on to the future generations of Poles you see at football matches today ignorantly giving the Nazi salute, en masse and with such fervor and abject glee. This is the equivalent of Native Americans saluting the American flag, for the purpose of exhibiting worship of the very same dastardly motherfuckers whose sole intent was to wipe them and their whole culture and race off the face of the Earth.

Ukraine is special in so many bad ways it beggars belief. They are currently experiencing a political backlash that is taking them right back into the arms of totalitarianism. The detaining of political prisoners is on the rise, and a regressive, reactionary form of government is rearing it's ugly head after the country has suffered egregiously during the time of Perestroika and the so-called "Capitalist Miracle" when Russian Communism was finally dismantled. They are in the process of paying amatuer assassins 35 pounds for every stray dog murdered in the streets of the major Ukrainian cities so these hapless creatures won't bother the paying tourists who are visiting for the Euro 2012 football tournament.

Ukraine was devastated by the process of Stalinist Collectivization in the 1930's, with millions of Ukrainians starving to death while almost all of the food grown in the so-called "Russian Breadbasket" was appropriated by the Russians and sent to the interior of the state. Along with the massive re-settlements to the gulags, the country was completely devastated. This did not stamp out the fierce Ukrainian nationalist movement, which is why the Germans were initially treated as liberators when they invaded in the summer of 1941.

The Ukrainians convinced themselves that Germany would aid them in their fight for independence against Soviet Russia, but once they got a taste of Nazis rule, they realized it was hopeless. Herein lies the crucial destruction pattern that Ukraine ultimately suffered, which was threefold-the retreating Soviets destroyed anything they could not take with them to the interior, leaving a scorched-Earth policy that left the remaining civilians with little to no infrastructure to carry on living. Then the Germans came along, burning and destroying thousands of Ukrainian towns and villages, wiping them off the map and deporting anyone fit for work back to the Fatherland. Then the devastation of the war and the destruction levelled upon the country by the retreating Germans left this country on the brink of utter collapse. To this day, it has still not recovered from this three-pronged attack upon it's land. Roaming around Ukraine one can still feel the effects of the Great Patriotic War, as it's called in the former Soviet Republics most ravaged during this time. There are many places in Ukraine where time has simply stood still, with towns and villages (those that weren't completely obliterated) that resemble old newsreel footage of the 1930's.

Then it was the Jews, who unlike in Poland, were summarily executed on Ukrainian soil in mass graves one by one which to this day are still being unearthed, with the help of any civilians they could round up. Some were forced on pain of death, some Ukrainian nationals volunteered for this work detail and many also contributed to the mass killings in the death camps in Poland as camp guards. Yet in today's Ukraine, civic pride is blended with National Socialist ethic of White Supremacy, even though they were considered as subhumans by the conquering Germans.

In both countries you see White Supremacist  graffiti and mention of Jews as the ubiquitous parasites, leeches and scoundrels on the propaganda notices of many football supporter clubs, even though the vast majority of each country's respective Jewish populations were murdered years ago. The few Jews that are left live quiet lives and try to fly under the radar. In Poland, mention of the Holocaust will get you either looks of indifference or people will just walk away from you.

And the most galling aspect of this racism is the collective hatred of Blacks. Polish youths who listen to North American hip-hop and consider Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls heroes will in the same breath denounce blacks as monkeys and savages, nowhere more vociferously than at football matches when the opposition dares to field one or two black players. You will see these goons in the stands making monkey noises and tossing bananas onto the field, along with the Nazi salute, the same salute the Nazis were giving the Ukrainians as they mutilated their country not too long ago.

Why these idiots identify so closely to the racist tenets of Nazi Germany despite the visceral hatred the Germans had for them defies all rational discourse. At certain times one runs into situations like this that cannot  be explained even by the most erudite of scholars. Which is why they should not be hosting Euro 2012. But they are. Let's hope they manage to make a good show of it,m because the world will be watching these jackasses to see if they step out of line Anything happened and rest assured this first time hosting an international even of this magnitude will be their last.

I'll leave you on a positive not, a long-lost story of Ukrainian defiance in the face of unspeakable odds that played itself out on the football pitches of Kiev in 1942-1943. Let's not forget these heroes, who I'm sure would be appalled if they were aware of the abysmal behavior of some of their countrymen-

http://espn.go.com/videohub/video/clip?id=7998818&categoryid=2378529

UPDATE-Just in case you thought these animals would make an effort to exhibit a modicum of restraint, check out what the black players from the Dutch team had to endure during a recent practice session in Krakow, Poland. Even though I abhor this type of behavior, a part of me relishes this abysmal occurrence, because I want the world to see theses goons in action so their collective stupidity is on full display for the world to see. They need to be exposed once and for all. There are no excuses the Polish authorities can make to dismiss the actions of these people, THEIR people. They should have done more to curtail this nonsense, but have so far refused to even acknowledge it exists. 

http://espnfc.com/us/en/news/1089999/dutch-players-hear-racist-chants.html

And Shimano goes to 11...

Yes it does, so get used to it. Plenty of retro-grouches out there lamenting the end of civilization as we know it because Shimano is going to an 11-speed cogset with their new grouppo in early 2013. But what was wrong with 6-speed index/friction shifting, or whatever it was called, you may ask? It's called TECHNOLOGY, and just because we don't necessarily need it doesn't mean we aren't going to get it.

This is how it works in the rarefied air of high-end cycling components-

1) The consumer base at the high end is made up in large part of upper-middle class yuppies with disposable income. Established people in their respective fields have money, power and arrogance galore. What they no longer possess is their long-lost youth. To recapture this, they pursue athletic endeavors like cycling, where talent is at the bottom of the priority list. They can purchase speed with new aerodynamic wheels, carbon frames and $450 high-tech carbon-soled shoes. This is why the phenomenon of the aging weekend warrior suddenly experiencing an athletic fountain of youth doesn't occur in any other sport, where an athlete's biological clock dictates how good they'll be and for how long. At a certain age, once you're washed up, that's it.

The new crankset-from prototype...

...to finished product.

2) But not so in cycling. You can invest in drugs that make you feel young and fit, follow a strict diet and training regimen and you too can turn back the hands of time. Cycling takes advantage of these insecurities by selling their customers products they have no need or use for. Due to peer pressure and marketing hype, they MUST have the latest gadgets. Power meters on Pinarellos is not an uncommon site in my neck of the woods on bikes that never see the starting line of even the most humble CAT 5 race. So an 11-speed  electronic Dura-Ace grouppo is going to be an easy sell for those who desperately do not want to be left behind.

3) And some cycling retailers will do everything they can to talk this new development up to their well-heeled and insecure clientele. I've seen it with my own eyes, where the sense of urgency will border on desperation. Bike shop owners will be nervously stating out loud to no one in particular how they will only get a few grouppos into the shop, and how anyone who wants one will have to act really, really fast, while customers huddle in the corners of the shop discussing in hushed tones how they'll have to be the first or else they'll lose their competitive edge on the Sunday morning steroid-fueled hammerfests.

Front derailler-

Rear derailler-

4) Let us also be pragmatic. A lot of the complaints surrounding this evolution is because the pricing has gone way over the heads of the average working class schlub. So in turn some of these cats become retro-grumps, pining over the good ol' days when Shimano 8-speed STI was more than enough to kick anyone's ass. That was also during the days when one could afford a relatively high-end frame for not that much money in comparison to today's price points, which are through the roof. So I see their point to an extent.

What they forget is that the industry was selling steel frames for the same price as high-end titanium and carbon before these two materials blew it out of the water in the mid-to late 1990's. So when Litespeed came along and Colnago began production of their famous C-40 carbon frame, the industry could no longer justify selling a heavy-ass piece of shit steel frame at the same price point. This is what took steel frames into the retro-grouch niche area that, guess what? people are STILL overpaying for.

Shifters-

Back to the new Dura Ace. I have ridden Shimano all my cycling life, and have never had any reason to switch to anything else. They did not fall prey to the "Me Too" nonsense of competing with Campagnolo over the extra sprocket wars. In fact, they waited quite a while to move up, and with this grouppo they knocked Campy and all other competitors out the box. The 11-speed will come in Di2 (electronic) and regular cable shifting, and if the reviews are anything to go by, they've done a fantastic job. And seeing as the retail prices for the D-Ace ($2,600 US) and Di2 ($4,000 US) is not that much of a leap from the previous grouppo pricing, we can't really complain.

Brakes-front...

...and rear.

The 11-speed cassette-

The new polymer cable coating, left, compared to the previous PTFE coating-

Campagnolo, with their market share dwindling both in the retail and sponsorship fronts, have been shoved into a corner. The new Dura Ace just looks better than Campy. It has a futuristic appeal that goes well with today's carbon frames and judging from the performance, will be a great hit once it hits the market full bore. I've never been a fan of SRAM, as they brought nothing new or innovative to the grouppo wars aside from large marketing and advertising budgets, and their stuff always garnered plenty of complaints from riders.

Madcow from Fairwheel Bikes did an extensive write-up on the new Dura-Ace. This guy is a respected member of the cycling community and seriously knows his stuff. I will always defer to his knowledge and expertise on anything cycling-related, because he is a pragmatic assessor of cycling equipment and always gives you an unbiased account, unlike the many shills that dominate the landscape of internet cycling forums. You clowns know who you are. Here is the link to the article-

http://fairwheelbikes.com/cycling-blog/updates-and-news/shimano-2013-part-1-dura-ace-9000.html

The photos included in this blog post are from the Shimano Dura-Ace 11-speed mechanical. The Di2 comes   with the new FlightDeck computer, which is ANT+ and displays gear levels and battery life. The Di2 also comes with a kit to hide the battery in the seat tube, making for an even more streamlined appearance.

Pictured below is the diagnostic tool one can use with a computer to check for issues-currently not MAC compatible but I'm sure that change shortly-

No offense to the retro-grouches, cheapskates or those who can't keep up with new technology due to budget constraints (I'm not hating on that particular aspect of a person's situation, because not everyone has cash to burn and I understand. But what I summarily dismiss and deride are assholes who fit this description and hate on others out of sheer jealousy. That I will not abide.) but new cycling technology has nothing to do with what a rider "needs" to get over that one steep hill at the local steroid-fueled hammerfest, or whether anyone can or is stupid enough to spin out a 53-11 gear ratio going downhill (something not recommended if one values ones' life unless one is racing on an enclosed stretch of road).

The new Shimano stuff looks very nice, and the Di2 looks even nicer. I'm sure I'll come to the realization that an 11-speed cassette is something I cannot do without, because that's part of the peer pressure/marketing hype machine that gets people to make such superfluous purchases. Besides, who isn't inspited by riding top-end equipment? I know someone who runs a 10-speed Di2 and loves it-wouldn't go back to cable gear shifting if you paid him. He purchased a kit that integrates the battery inside the seatpost and it looks very space age. So he was ahead of Shimano in this regard by a few months. Funny thing is, he went around telling everyone who asked him where the battery was that it was a Shimano prototype setup-turns out he was right!!! LOL!!!

The 11-speed Di2 is the future, like it or not. It's our choice to either purchase the stuff or not. No problem there. The problem lies with goobers and dingleberries who go home feeling they've accomplished something grand because while riding a retro piece of shit they somehow managed to catch and pass someone on a more technologically advanced machine. So if you're that asshole on a steel frame with 6-speed friction shifting and cut-off commando shorts who brags about riding past someone on a carbon frame with Di2, that doesn't make you cool or rad or somehow superior. That makes you an asshole. These types of cats should have their day passes from the halfway house or mental institution revoked during daylight hours.

With the improvements in shifting efficiency, cabling, weight, stiffness, and looks, Shimano swung for the seats with their latest iteration of their flagship grouppo and blasted it into the upper deck with the bases loaded. No more calls, ladies and gentlemen-we have a winner.

Babe of the Week for Friday, June 1, 2012 is...

Jennifer Lawrence!!!

Bueno, how did THIS mami get past me for so long? Probably because I had no intention on watching that bullshit movie she was in called "The Hunger Games". Right-Wing based post-apocalyptic visions of the future where the same thin-lipped, beady-eyed, jive-ass turkeys who think they're the masters of the universe are still in charge do not interest me at all. Besides, the whole premise has been copied from other source material. Lack of originality is my #1 turn-off in cinema, so this one got chucked from my list before it ever hit the big screen.

Think of how stupid this story is-if the world has turned to shit, why would you hold a tournament pitting young kids against each other in pitched battles to the death when you could be snuggling up to a hot sweetie like Jennifer?  Why send HER of all people off to fight? Goes to show you why Republicans are such pent-up, frustrated war-mongering assholes. They'd rather watch people killing each other than finding a nice babe to chill with.

As it is, Jennifer looks way to good to waste sending her to do battle. Let us enjoy her for the reason she was put on this Earth-to loook mahvelous, dahling-absolutely mahvelous!!!

The 2012 Giro D'Italia...

This race, the first 3-week grand tour of the year, was a crashing bore, and epitomizes what has gone completely wrong with professional cycling. I have no idea what is going on pertaining to the doping front, but something has happened to turn such a beautiful race into the homogenized piece of crap we've just witnessed.

 First of all, sprinters used to be a workmanlike group of "brutos" from various Eastern Block countries (with the odd Italian or Belgian ham-and-egger thrown in for the sake of diversity) who made their living doing the only thing they could do besides working in a textile mill or a coal mine back in the old country. They were usually not cut out to be domestiques and were too heavy to climb a staircase, so they OD'ed on testosterone and sat in the back of the bunch on the flat stages until some of their teammates dragged them to the front for their 45 seconds of glory. These cats fought it out like demons because failure meant no contract for the next season, so there was a lot at stake.

Even amongst these proletariat working-class grunts we had the stylish, elegant and supremely talented Mario Cipollini, who made sprinting a lovely affair to behold. Now that he's gone, we have British bulldog Mark Cavendish, the guy with the name that sounds like he should be running an Irish pub somewhere in Cork, Ireland. He's short, built like a stack of granite blocks with the looks to match, talks crap in a manner that is neither endearing nor comical, and has all the panache of a terminal illness diagnosis. To make things worse, even though he's the best sprinter in the peloton by a leap, he lost the sprinter's jersey at the Giro by one fucking point. Nice try there, asshole.

And don't tell me any of you were at the edge of your seats watching the exploits of American Great White Hope Taylor Phinney. This glorified track cyclist held the jersey for a few days in the beginning before his audition for the Ice Capades began in earnest. He crashed more times than the Facebook IPO in as many days, and wound up as just another anonymous rider gasping to see the end in Milan.

The mountain stages were a trifling affair, and I cannot recall any of the winners to save my life. In the end, the most compelling drama having to do with this series of interminably monotonous funeral processions was the conclusion of a farce that was in the making ever since this great race ended in 2005. José Rujano ingloriously pulled out of the race on stage 19, while having done nothing to distinguish himself in the only stages that were suited to his physique.

And don't think his team manager sat idly by while making excuses for him. Rujano's exit was followed closely by a well-deserved diatribe as only the Italians can mete them out-

 “Thankfully, his contract with us ends at the conclusion of the season,” Savio said. “I was the one who brought him to Europe and nursed him through the 2005 Giro, when he was third. After all of his problems, no one wanted to touch him. And then I gave him a second chance last season. After this, there will be no more chances. We are finished.”-Gianni Savio, team manager of the Androni Giocattoli-Venezuela.

 But wait, there's more-

 “He (Rujano) didn’t do a thing during this Giro. When he came to the start, he was singing to all the world that he was going to win stages, reach the podium, even win! My team doctor, who is a very serious man, told me that he saw no physical problems that would keep him from continuing. Rujano has a sore throat, but so do I! He said he didn’t feel good and simply quit.”

“We asked him, during the stage to Cortina, to demonstrate something for his pride. And what does he do? He finished more than 30 minutes back!” the exasperated Savio said. “We asked him again today to show his character. And what does he do? He quits.”

Rujano rode like a true "culi-cagao", disgracing not only himself but his country of Venezuela, desperate for good news aside from the impending death of democratically-elected pseudo-strongman Hugo Chavez. As one of the few cats capable of lighting the race up in the mountains, it became obvious very quickly that he was only out to disappoint. The slack was not going to be picked up by the likes of 2010 Giro winner Ivan Basso. I've yet to figure out why he even showed up to ride if he was going to put in such an uninspired performance. Definitely nothing like what he had done in 2007 when he stormed the mountains to the chant of "extraterritorial" from guys like Gilberto Simoni, but it's pretty obvious what caused such a disparity in his, um, ""form".

So the overall went to Ryder Hesjedal, a Canadian who didn't win one stage and sucked wheels and hedged his bets on the mountains long enough to take back the 30 seconds he needed to gain on eventual runner-up Joachim Rodriguez on the very last time trial into Milan. We as cycling fans have been royally gypped, and don't think the Tour is going to be any better.

You cannot call yourself a cycling fan and say with a straight face you are looking forward to the mano-a-mano clashes between these pack of Bowery Bums-Cadel Evans, The Schleck brothers,and Bradley Wiggins. What do these guys all have in common? No panache, no sense of urgency, no nothin'. I'd rather watch those bitches from "Mob Wives" screeching at each other than what's in store for us this coming July.

I can just imagine the Evans/Wiggo duel in the high mountains-talk about epic stuff for the ages. Two clowns trying to "consolidate" their positions while watching each other all the way to the line, with the obligatory "ATTACK" 500 meters from the line. And right beside them are the Brothers Schleck, whose moments of cycling derring-do have left many fans gasping at the side of the road from sheer excitement (insert sarcastic smirk HERE). 

I can't wait. It's going to be the best Tour in years. (Someone says this every year, and when they do, guaranteed it was because it was one of the worst). I'd rather go down to The Bowery and watch the bums race each other for a slab of salami and a pint of Wild Irish Rose than have to be subjected to another Tour without an in-form Alberto Contador making the race for everyone else.