Television News and Notes...

Jennifer Lopez, she of the outsized ego, bloated donkey ass and "Jenny From the Block" persona (a cynically contrived ploy at disingenuously garnering ghetto street cred despite the fact that she grew up in a house with two working parents and attended catholic school, nowhere near the fucking South Bronx that she claims to "rep") is set to play Griselda Blanco in an upcoming HBO special. First of all, anyone familiar with the excellent documentary "Cocaine Cowboys" would understand that this lady's life story needs a multi-part series to cover, like Netflix did for Pablo Escobar in "Narcos". This woman was responsible for not only a large majority of the cocaine being trafficked into Miami during the late 70's-early 80's, she was also responsible for the majority of the depraved butchery that overran law enforcement in the greater Miami-Dade County. During her reign of terror, she employed the fiercest, most violently perverted gang of enforcers and hit men this side of the Nazi Einsatzgruppen. These motherfuckers were straight-up kamikazes, and it's a wonder she lasted so long and did relatively little time in jail given her criminal exploits. If there was ever a candidate for the electric chair, it was this depraved whore. 

But J-Lo is a two-bit wanna-be prosthetic glamour queen. The real Griselda Blanco resembled a Latina version of Mrs. Manicotti from "The Honeymooners". She was short, dumpy, and not at all attractive. Lopez was quoted as saying she is fascinated by this woman's story. So are we here at "Busting Chops", but only as a gratuitous "look-at-that-train-wreck" type of spectacle. She's fascinating in a sort of Josef Mengele type of way. I believe in the right hands Griselda's story would be riveting. But in the hands of Lopez, whose production company is in charge of the project, it's going to be one prolonged narco-infomercial on the glamorous life of a drug queen as played by an aging, manufactured, "look-at-me", lip-syncing twat whose best days are behind her-literally, because her career has been all ass and nothing else. 

Yeah, the resemblance is fucking uncanny-

Narcos Season 2

If you haven't caught Season 1, then watch it before you delve into Season 2 which starts September 2nd. 2016. Everything about this series is superb. The actors and the locations lend it an air of authenticity, The manner in which the story is told (part Spanish, part English, part narrated), keeps it alive and fresh. And the actor playing Pablo Escobar is amazing. Anyone into Brazilian cinema over the last 10-15 years will instantly recognize Wager Moura, who first came to our attention in the grand prison film "Carandiru". He learned Spanish specifically for this role, and even though the Colombian actor who played Pablo in the dynamic series "Pablo Escobar-El Patron del Mal" was a bit more convincing, Moura still manages to knock it out of the park with his performance. 

This season is dedicated to the chase of Escobar once he escapes from the prison he built himself when it's found out that not only was he still conducting business from behind bars, he was assassinating co-workers from the drug trade, whoring, and coming and going as he pleased. From Season 1, we already have the major characters solidly in place for the final showdown. It is interesting also, and very well done by the writers, how every single cross and double-cross by every single entity involved in the drug trade and the Colombian government are seamlessly interwoven into a taught, fast-paced story line. THIS is how you write a fucking script for a televison series, damn it!!! All ten episodes will be available on Netflix when the first episode airs, so if you're one of those types who must binge watch, you can stay up all night and catch all remaining ten episodes all in a row without having to wait. 

Fear The Walking Dead Season 2...

Death Knows No Borders...Neither Does Boredom.

It's been two grueling seasons already, and enough is enough. There is so much wrong with this program that cancellation is its only hope for redemption. Unfortunately for all involved, there will be a season 3. 

Let's start with the premise. Introducing..."The Douchebags!!!"-California's most boring, dysfunctional, and annoying family!!!

They have it all-broken home repair attempts by the all-too sensitive and henpecked Travis, an overbearing mother named after a street in Manhattan, and three useless, annoying teenagers, one a drug addict, another who wants to piss her parents off by dating a black guy, and a son who should have been dead way before the world collapsed. And just what the fuck is Travis, anyway? A swarthy high school English teacher of Mediterranean descent? A Mexican American who loves education? WTF? 

Then there's mommy dearest, the white blonde matriarch (is there any other type, besides the Caucasian damsel in distress?) who totally sucks at keeping her family together, but still exudes a sense of authority she has neither earned nor is entitled to. Kim Dickens is a cutey in real life, but here she's just an idiot who should focus more on hooking her husband Travis up with some ass. But that's not possible, because between them they exude the sexual tension equivalent of a frog pithing experiment. 

We the viewers were told this spin-off of "The Walking Dead" would fill in some pre-infection questions that were never asked or answered in the original series. In TWD, we got two depressing glimpses into the future-the CDC guy blowing himself up, and that cornball with the mullet who pretended to be a scientist with a cure so he could secure himself safe passage to Washington, DC for what turned out to be no good reason. This series saw the quick decline of civilization...and that was it. 

Now we have the characters in Mexico, and it is clear the writers have no idea how to handle the way Mexicans deal with death in its new permeation of cadavers coming back to life to eat the living. The writers prefer a convoluted blend of Cinco de Mayo and Dia de los Muertos with a couple of shots of tequila thrown in for good measure. We also have former drug gangs who are still terrorizing the landscape, albeit on a much more subdued level. I'm waiting for Chapo Guzman to appear with an accompanying mariachi band singing the latest narco-corrido in homage to the walking dead. 

The latest episode included a contrived, pseudo heart-wrenching, alcohol-fueled therapy session between Madison and Strand, whose character has taken a turn for the inconsequential. They wind up making enough noise to literally wake the dead, and what a surprise that they suddenly appear despite the fact that they've spent a couple of hours whopping it up and smashing glasses against a wall. They decide to barricade themselves behind the bar, and the last scene looks not like two desperate, drunk idiots making the wrong move, but a typical Saturday night at Señor Frog's. It made me want to order a drink-cyanide Kool Aid. 

The tough, no-nonsense Latina with the bossy attitude is played by Cuban stunner Danay Garcia. The manner in which her character is written is so totally devoid of nuance and originality, it's as if the writers went directly to the Pancho Villa Handbook of Mexican/Latino Stereotypes and copied/pasted her into the story, which includes the inevitable love affair between her and pretty boy Nick. The only thing missing is a Mexican with a sombrero over his head sleeping against a cactus. The whole Mexican thing is so nonsensical, it can only be described as the manifestation of a writer's Latino fetish after spending a semester abroad. 

Madison's obnoxious teenage children should, be chum for the horde of undead. They are not even worth reviewing for their egregious flaws. The worst that can be said about them is they are unnecessary distractions in a completely pointless story. 

Having no plot to speak of, killing the most compelling character (Salazar) for absolutely no reason, and turning Strand from a calculating, Machiavellian poker player into a driveling, indecisive non-entity so that Madison can get more shine as the de facto leader of the group is bad enough. But this is a horror genre-where is the horror? Where is the creepiness of having to avoid dead cannibals who literally lurk around ever corner and can always be counted on to fuck everything up once the characters feel that one bit safe? Where is the claustrophobia of being trapped in a world that is coming down around the heads of the characters, who have no place to go and nowhere to run? 

It's nowhere to be found, and it will be what ultimately kills the show, Two-bit family dramas are for soap operas, and we get enough of that already on daytime television. The ones who are walking dead aren't on screen, they are in the writing and directer's chairs. 

Fuck you, Travis. I hope it is.

The 2016 Rio Summer Olympics...

Now that the summer 2016 Summer Olympics are behind us, let's check out the highlights-

Nothing more fun than civil unrest right before the big games. Brazil is suffering the beginnings of what will go down as the worst economic recession in it's history, despite the fact that some are saying the worst is over. The international ratings service Standard and Poor's cut the country's sovereign status to 'junk". The neoliberal template for such catastrophes clearly states the bottom levels of any society must pay for the financial largess of the political and corporate elites. Austerity measures are already being implemented. Let's see how they are achieving this.

Brazil is in the midst of rewriting the constitution and the changes are as follows-

-Retirement age has been raised to 70 in a country where in at least three of its states, life expectancy is 65. Goodbye Golden Years, Hello casket. If you do live past 70, they might as well bury you alive. 

-Constitutional changes will see an end to the current 44-hour work week in exchange for an 80-hour work week, with no more paid vacations, overtime pay, lunch breaks, or sick leave. 

The poor and lower middle classes are always at fault when a country's economy tanks, so it's just as well they pay when things take a downward spiral. Ayn Rand must be doing a traditional Russian dance as she happily spins in her grave, watching from the depths of Hell where her spirit can finally rest at the spectacle of such economic comeuppance for Brazil's working class poor. 

Nothing really put a damper on the games despite some fairly egregious shenanigans, like a decapitated corpse washing up right in front of the (almost) completed beach volleyball venue, the collapse of a cycling path that killed a couple of peeps, green algae in the diving pool, or the fact that the sailing and other maritime competitions were held in Guanabara Bay, where the untreated sewage of neighboring favelas finds its final resting place. To fully appreciate what the water in this bay is like, wait until you get sick with gut-wrenching diarrhea, use the toilet for three straight days, do not flush, and then stick your head in it with your mouth and eyes open. 

Nothing like swimming in the crystal clear waters of Guanabara Bay-

There were the 150-pound rodents (yes, giant rats) strolling the golf greens without ever paying the requisite ticket fees. They are called capybaras, and they are monstrous. They definitely put the infamous NYC pizza rat into perspective-

Golfers Sergio Garcia of Spain and Bernd Wiesberger of Austria tasking photos of a capybara-

Speaking of ticket fees, we also had an IOC official scalping tickets to events. Patrick Hickey, the 71 year-old president of Ireland's Olympic Council and member of the IOC's executive board, was arrested along with six other slugs for price gouging on tickets they were meant of the general public. Over 1,000 tickets were confiscated in the investigation, which is still ongoing. Hickey had to be hospitalized when Brazilian authorities came to arrest him, and he is currently in a Rio de Janeiro jail. The tickets were being funneled through a British hospitality company called THG Sports, and the executive of the parent company, Marcus Evans of Great Britain, is wanted in connection to this massive fraud scheme. 

Headlines were made by Usain Bolt and his sexual trysts during the games, but so far no light has been shed on what IOC officials were up to. According to an undercover investigation by our Latin American Affairs correspondent, IOC officials imported prostitutes from Bogotá, Colombia and Buenos Aires, Argentina and put them up in Rio's finest hotels, showering these putas with free tickets to events, spending money, and gifts like Rolex watches, which IOC officials received free of charge from representatives of the Rolex company. 

Nice, eh? These Five-star amenities are in stark contrast to the infamous favelas of Rio de Janeiro. I can only imagine what these prostitutes and their septuagenarian lovers would feel about the type of tone deaf decadence and grotesque use of IOC funds they enjoyed if they had any idea what it is like for the more unfortunate citizens of the city's poorer neighborhoods. In a twisted perspective of schadenfreude, some of the hookers who were conscripted to sleeping with these hideous, slithering, reptilian IOC mummies told their tales on social media of Viagra overdoses and heart attacks that were treated at a discrete private mobile hospital that was set up exclusively to cater to these embalmed zombies, away from the glare of the international media. 

As for the events themselves, they were manned by unpaid volunteers and the venues completed by construction workers who averaged US $15 dollars a day, while IOC officials were provided with US $900 dollars a day per diem spending money. The Olympic team from India had to fly coach while their Olympic officials flew business class ON THE SAME FUCKING PLANE. And just check out what awaited them at the airport-

These are police officers and firefighters who have been working without pay for weeks, some even months, due to the lack of public money available that was siphoned off by politicians in order to pay for the ever-increasing costs of putting on the games. And they aren't the only ones. Teachers and other state employees have also gone months without paychecks, with the money nowhere in sight to pay them. Some estimates say that after all is said and done, the 2016 Summer Olympics will have cost Brazil US $12 billion dollars. So far the number is about US $9.7 billion. This is along with the US $25 billion Brazil spent on the 2014 World Cup, which the Brazilian national team, heavy favorites to win the tournament, duly fucked up in epic fashion, Here is a chart that describes the spending for these events in direct contrast to the money spent on the mosquito-borne viruses that have threatened the people of Brazil-dengue, zika, and chikungunya. It's always good to have one's priorities in order when you're a politician-

So what were these cops doing while on patrol with no pay? Shooting at practically any young black man who had the unfortunate circumstance of being caught out there during Rio's now-infamous and wholly ineffective Favela Pacification Program-

Yes, nothing like a paramilitary force armed to the teeth occupying your neighborhood while you attempt to make it through your day in one piece. My guess is these pacification programs, meant to establish the authority of the state and wrest it from the drug gangs will be a thing of the past. There is no money in the budget for these continuing actions, so the favlelas will be retaken by the drug dealers who didn't just disappear-they moved to other neighborhoods until the dust settles. 

Here are a few books that will enlighten anyone interested in reading further on the subjects discussed herein-

No one here at "Busting Chops" witnessed one second of this debacle on television out of respect for the prevailing economic and social conditions of the people of Rio, and we were right in boycotting the event. It was yet another example of how the rich get richer while the poor and working classes  pick up the tab. Besides, we tried to get a seat in front of the television, but the couch was taken-

We also did not need to see Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks and member of the US Olympic basketball team compare his neighborhood in Baltimore to any favela in Rio. His little slum porno tour was meant to pay homage to the stinking, pathetic conditions that any favela resident would do anything to leave behind, but there he was, calling the place "beautiful".

Newsflash-favelas are not representative of the "real" Rio de Janeiro any more than the projects of the South Bronx are a representative of the "real" New York City. Favelas are slums where there are little to no public services. They are places the government has chosen to abandon, leaving the administration of these areas to the drug gangs. Favelas are places where the playboys of Rio go to have their fun with underage prostitutes while consuming every drug known to man. Good thing the gangs were able to cash in on the marketing bonanza that was the Rio Olympics. Who would want to get left out? The logo below reads "do not use near children", a comforting thought when you're attending a baile funk in the City of God as you open a packet of cocaine while getting blown by a twelve year old hooker.

Drug traffickers with a social conscience-

And what will happen now that there are no more intercontinental sporting events on the horizon, and the Brazilian public has to deal with the impeachment trial of it's president for corruption while facing an economic recession that has no end in sight? Stay tuned, because we will probably see more of the photo below before any sense of normalcy returns to the "Cuidad Maravillosa". 

Kim Davis, Christianity's New Foot Soldier...

We here at "Busting Chops" try to steer clear of politics, religion, and race because these subjects are just too divisive, but this latest outrage has more to do with the galling levels of hypocrisy within the realm of public discourse, exemplified this time by the religious right. We have Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, who had the audacity to take the law (Federal law, mind you) into her own hands and deny same-sex couples marriage licenses because it goes against her religious beliefs. We have Senator Ted Cruz on the campaign trail trying to convince America that Christians are being persecuted in this country, and that this is just another example of the attacks on wholesome middle American values. You know who he's talking about-the Americans that these presidential wanna-be douchebags pander to by anointing them the "REAL" Americans. The liberal media elites make their homes at the farther reaches of either shore NYC and California), but from sea to shining sea, these overall-wearing, ah-shucks rednecks are the red state constituency that is the cornerstone of conservative politics, the ones that eat shit like this up and take it as an opportunity to illustrate how the country is going to hell in a liberal handbasket. 

What galls me is Mike Huckabee has taken the mantle and ran with it. This guy believes that Federal law, as upheld by the Supreme Court, does not supercede God's law. According to Huckabee, that includes excluding people he doesn't like from Federal protection accorded to all US citizens. Then we get thrusted into a cynically staged, mentally dulsional Fundamentalist county fair when Davis was released from jail. She took off with it like a Division I mid-major basketball team who just found out they got an at-large bid to the NIT. The only thing missing was her (latest) husband biting the head off a chicken and drowning some poor schmuck in a dusty, polluted river to complete the baptism of stupidity we were subjected to. 

Davis pops out of the office wearing the latest in Puritan chic, replete with the one piece 17th Century homecoming gown with the sewn-on straps that made her look like Cotton Mather's estranged love partner. The only accessory she was missing was the black belt buckle shoes the Pilgrims wore to their first Thanksgiving. 

Let's keep in mind that she a publicly appointed publc official, and MUST abide by Federal law, which supercedes the teachings of the bible where it says homos are an abomination to mankind and  present an irreconcilable affront to traditional marriage between a man and a woman. And Davis should know, because she's been married four fucking times. We found a chart that illustrates her devotion to this sacred practice, which should sheds some light on why she deserves the ridicule she's getting-

I cannot fathom for the life of me how this woman was able to procure so many marriage proposals, but this is Kentucky we're talking about. Take a good look at this flat-assed, pasty white, bird-faced shrew. Can you imagine what sort of toxic waste gets dumped in the municipal drinking water in Kentucky when freaks like her are birthed? This is the same state that graced our planet with Ashley Judd, for cryin' out loud. How did this genetic malfeasance make it off the short bus to become a Federal county clerk? 

Nepotism, that's how. Her mother held the same position for 30 or so years, and had hired her daughter to work in the same office until she retired. Then Kim took over when mommy left. And suddenly she's been thrust into the national spotlight thanks to her refusal to obey and carry out the law. She has become a hero to the conservative right-wing religious zealots who want to turn back the clock on human rights. Let me remind Huckabee that God's law, as written in the bible, is a bit problematic when taken literally. For example, if you see your neighbor working on Sunday, you re well within your rights to stone him/her to death. This is why we have Judicial law, with a separation of church and state as an important facet. But these media whores took the opportunity to photo-op the hell out of this illegal activity for their purposes-

Check out Mike Huckabee (above) and Ted Cruz (below) with Kim Davis and her goofball husband with the overalls. All he's missing is a corn cob pipe, a banjo, and a bottle of moonshine-

American politics have become irrational and irreconcilable to the realities confronting average Americans. This incident is a perfect example that our leaders have everything going for them except leadership qualities, and it has to stop. Let's see how long it takes the American people to wake up and say "enough is enough". 

Advice for the incoming Latino Class of 2019, or however long it takes you to graduate...

If you're a young Latino from the 'hood and are attending college for the first time, we here at "Busting Chops" have compiled a list of "Do's and Don'ts" that will make acclimating to your new environment easier, because-and trust me on this one-no one will break it down for you like us.

1) Make sure you've cleared up any outstanding warrants before your first day of class.

2) Don't show up on campus with all your possessions in garbage bags. You're going to school, not a homeless shelter. Even if the only people you know who travel are convicted felons doing time upstate, somebody close to you must have at least one fucking "maleta" they can let you borrow, even if the zipper's broken and you have to close it with duct tape.

3) Do not throw trash out of your dorm window. You are living on a college campus, not in some urine-soaked tenement building in the Bronx where it's a given that nobody gives a fuck.

4) If you stroll by someone's dorm room and the door is open and no one is there, this is NOT an invitation for you to walk in and steal something.

5) When an attractive white girl you don't know walks by and says "hello", that does not mean she's a nymphomaniac and wants to sleep with you. She is just being friendly. Regardless of what you've heard, keg parties do not turn white girls into sluts. If no pretty girl would voluntarily sleep with you back home, all the Bill Cosby date rape drugs in the world will not alter this reality once you're on campus.

6) Make every effort to do well your first semester. It will set a better tone for the rest of your academic career than getting three incompletes and a C minus in "Inroduction to Elementary Spanish I". A poor performance will only cement the fact that you are illiterate in TWO languages (English and Spanish), and are on campus simply to fill a racial quota. Don't do that to yourself. Have some fucking pride.

7) Despite what your toothless, heroin-addicted uncle Pedro says, you cannot apply for a Section-8 voucher to help pay for on-campus housing.

8) Take advantage of the fact that you can eat three meals a day without having to worry about your mother's food stamps running out before the end of the month.

9) Don't go around telling people your father is a world famous guitarist just because your last name happens to be "Santana". You will then have to explain why he's rich and you are living in the projects.

10) If you've made it as far as college, you are no thug, so don't start acting like one in an attempt to impress or intimidate your white, middle-class, suburban classmates. Spare us the ghetto ghost stories of gangs, pimps, hustlers, and gratuitous shoot-outs over drug turf-that's what rap albums are for. If you're a student, that's not your life and it never was. Cut the crap and focus on what you're in college for, to avoid rape charges while trying to graduate within a reasonable time frame.

Editor's Note-To my fellow inner city Latino college-bound peeps out there, take very seriously this one and only opportunity you have to break the cycle of poverty. If you count on being the next Jay-Z or the next "Boy George" Rivera, then "Vaya con Dios" with that bullshit and read no further, because it won't do you any good. For all the rest who may give a damn and are truly concerned, here is the real scoop that no fucking guidance counselor will ever articulate to you-while in college, don't be the typical dickhead out every night partying, getting high and drunk, chasing pussy, and missing class if you're on scholarship. 

If you fuck up, you won't be allowed to return until you pay all that money back, Nowadays one semester at even a state institution of higher learning will run into the tens of thousands of dollars, which means the dream for you will  be over. I'm not joking about this. Schools will not release your transcripts until they are reimbursed for the money you wasted, which means you will not be allowed to attend even a community college until that debt is cleared. This includes student loans. Default on one of those and you'll never be allowed to apply for another one until you pay up. The rest of your better-off friends will be graduating while you are back livng in the ghetto wondering what the fuck happened, surrounded by losers who love nothing more than watching someone who had potential join them in their downward spiral towards the septic tank called Palookaville. 

Being poor and Latino means walking a fine line that does not allow for any fuck-ups. Don't make it worse by ruining what is arguably the only chance you'll get to change your life for the better. Have a great semester, gentlemen. I know you can do it.

The World's Most Expensive Adult Film...

We are back with the ubiquitous Fifty Cent (aka "Fitty"), who counts himself nearly penniless these days due to an financially lascivious lifestyle that he claims was an exaggeration for the sake of selling albums and generating social media buzz for his music label. He's in the process of filing for bankruptcy just so he can get out of paying a settlement to one Lastonia Leviston, the baby mama of Miami rapper Rick Ross. How'd the involved parties get to this point? Fitty made a sex tape with this woman and then released it to the public. He did this to shame Rick Ross, the fat, serial blunt-smoking, grossly-tattooed entertainer who claims a life of crime before the rap game when in reality he had the un-gangsterish job as a guard at a correctional facility. The release of this tape was the result of one of those tired rap beefs that flare up whenever one or both parties are looking for even more publicity, but this one went a bit too far in the direction of stupid for our resident hardcore rapper from Queens, New York.

                          You mean this ain't real?

Fitty lost on two counts-the initial award was for $5 million, with another one tacked on for another $2 milion in punative damages. I can see this being applicable, because poor Ms. Leviston has a reputation to uphold when she goes to the corner bodega to purchase menthol cigarettes and a six-pack of Coor's Light with her EBT card. We can't have the guys at the loosey spot thinking she's a whore now, can we? The video was posted in 2009, and Fitty released it when his beef with Ross was heating up. Apparently he was saving it just for a moment like this, and it backfired tremendously on him. But that how idiots behave when they have a milion dollars and no sense.

                          Rick Ross, having the last laugh...

Two issues played against the defendant. One, the trial was held in NYC, a city that has a reputation for handing out large settlements in civil cases, especially in the outer boroughs of the Bronx, Brooklyn, and Queens. Two, Fifty Cent isn't exactly a hero to working class people or women. The manner in which he flaunts his wealth and his use of grotesque images of misogeny and violence to sell his warped ideal of the American Dream does not resonate with the average working class juror.

Let's get one thing straight-this Levinston twat is an absolute money-grubbing swine. She got with Rick Ross and had a child with him, and sued him for child support to support her ghetto bling-bling fantasies. She then got with Fitty as a revenge fuck against Ross and happily filmed an abhorrent sex tape where it is clear she was down with the program. She exibited the enthusiasm of an overweight suburban fuckface loser heading into a Subway sandwich shop to choke on a foot-long in the hopes  that he'll lose weight just like Jared.

Levinston outside the courthouse kissing and hugging the jurors who just made her rich- -

We here at "Busting Chops" pride ourselves on the integrity of our research, so for the sake of authenticity we sat down and watched the 13-minute video in question. It's absolutely vile. The beginning of the video shows Fitty in a costume trying out some half-baked comedy act. We don't remember his schtick because it wasn't funny. Then we see the offended party kneeling down and talking into the camera, making smiley faces and spreading her legs in gleeful joy. Nowhere in the hisotry of amateur adult cinema have I seen a whore so exstatic to express herself than on this video. She clearly knew she was being filmed and was happy to take part. The sex act itself has shitty production values, is badly choreographed, and shows Fitty looking like a bloated ex-athlete who had come down from a steroid cycle. Ms. Leviston is an absolute clydesdale, and I have no idea why a guy who has access to the most beautiful whores and hoochies this side of Hugh Hefner would stoop to having sex with this Malasian Hairy Backed Boar.

Levinson wanted revenge against her baby's father, and Fitty wanted to "stick it to him', as it were. It backfired for Fitty but morphed into a financial bonanza for the aggrieved party. The victim in all this is the child Ross had with this bitch. For the rest of her life she'll be inundated with taunts that her mother is a money-grubbing whore, and they would be correct in their ASS-essment. The poor child is going to suffer massive psychological trauma because of her mother, who doesn't care because that's how whores roll. But it's the financials that are of more interest, because Fifty Cent is crying that he's penniless for the purpose of not paying the judgements against him. He is also on the hook for $18 million to a headphone company when the deal fell through.

Meanwhile, all he did was brag about his $100 million dollar buy-out of his shares of the Vitamin Water company, and had purchased Mike Tyson's old pimp mansion back when Iron Mike was getting played like a lute by the queen of all pop culture gold digging tramps, Robin Givens. When asked in Federal court about his earnings selling warmed-over, bullshit, played-out gangster rap to idiotic suburban youth and even more stupid urban youth who consider this dickhead a hero, he stated he only made 10 cents an album. That doesn't like a deal a smart businessman would make, and it probably isn't true. But he surely had no problems flaunting his wealth on videos and on every single red carpet to every single moronic, meaningless awards show in Hollywood, so now he's going to be made accountable for every dime because eventually, he's going to have to pay these settlements, even if it's 50 cents at a time. And it couldn't have happened to bigger asshole.

                                Monopoly money, baby-

A Hero Ain't Nothin' but a Sandwich...

This is the title of a book (and a film) that has nothing to do with the Subway fast food franchise, but it is apropos to the situation they find themselves in. For the last 17 years, they've dedicated the majority of their advertising muscle on the inprobable story of an anonymous midwestern dork who claimed he lost hundreds of pounds simply by exercising (walking was major part of his regimen because he was too fucking fat to run) and eating two Subway sandwiches a day. He had an innocuous, non-threatening, "I'm an everyday guy just like you" type of charisma, replete with perfectly aligned, phosphorescent white teeth and a sincere, ah shucks smile that was made for tv. People could identify with this schmuck because he was "one of us", an everyman-turned-media star by virtue of accomplishing something many Americans struggle with-weight loss.

Hence the advertising scheme came to life. Anyone can lose weight by eating our sandwiches!!! Just ask Jared!!! Give Subway props for being able to market this semi-androgynous doufus as a weight losing, marathon-running swashbuckler to frustrated lardasses everywhere in an attempt to sell under-meated, over-lettuced bullshit sandwiches to an unsuspecting public for the last 17 years. A hero ain't nuthin' but a sandwich, less so in this case.

                        Too old for you, motherfucker?   

The odd thing about this character was that no one seemed to tire of him. He cultivated the persona of the harmless, ageless spokesperson for weight loss despite the fact that he was shilling one of the worst gastonomical monstrosities this side of a rat salad. Fogle wrote an inspirational book, made public appearances all over the world, and was celebrated as "The Subway Guy". He lived in a very nice suburb in Indiana and had a net worth of around 17 million dollars. Not bad for someone who has no talent whatsoever.

But there always seems to be a "but" behind every American success story. Jared Fogle, despite raking in millions of dollars for basically playing himself on countless Subway commercials and print advertisements, has admitted to engaging in sexual acts with underage girls. The lasciviousness of his actions are recounted in court documents, where on one trip to NYC he asked a 17-year old if she had any friends, "the younger the better". He was also found with child pornography on his computer, supplied to him by Russell C. Taylor, the former executive director of his charity called "The Jared Foundation". Taylor attempted suicide while incarcarated for similar charges. Fogle has stated that he shocked-SHOCKED!!!-that the manager of his charity was dabbling in child pornography, when he was in on it with him the whole time.

Hindsight being 20/20, this photo seems quite inappropriate-
                         

One neighbor's response was, sadly, way too typical. When asked about the situation, the person feigned disbelief, and stated "I never thought something like this could happen HERE". By "here" he meant the lilly-white suburbs of Indiana. So much for wholessome midwestern values.

Money and fame do strange things to people. It also does strange things to strange people. I heard someone say "if you want to see someone's true character, give them some money and see how they act". Well, I think we've seen enough with this schlub. Looking back on it, it all makes sense. He had a certain creepiness to his demeaner, as if he were merely a puppet stuffed with lettuce and condiments like the average Subway sandwich. He seemed oddly calm and at peace with the world, wanting nothing more than to stroll over to his nearest Subway store for his daily foot-long piece of crap sandwich that no self-respecting connosoir would go near.

Subway did a great job marketing this guy, and now they will pay the price. Then again, their problems didn't start with this unfortunate choice of spokeperson, nor will it end with him. They sell terrible sandwiches. One of the active ingredients in their bread is a plastic-type filler that is used to manufacture yoga mats. There are twice as many Subway franchises as McDonald's, it's kissing cousin in the synthetic fast food meat wars. You can't make money by over-saturating the market with unadulterated garbage that can be found somewhere else except with more quality ingredients. They will have to scale down and cut their franchises by at least half if they want to sustain viability in a market where they are competing with the local deli. I know mine makes much better sandwiches, and I have a choice of about 15 in a three-block span. The only subway I go into is the one that takes me downtown, where I have to share a compartment with the resident welfare queens and Section-8 losers here in NYC.

Due to a plea deal, Fogle is facing a minimum of five years in prison, and has agreed to pay out $1.4 million dollars to a multitude of victims. His wife is divorcing him, so he can say good-bye to at least 50% of whatever net worth he had left, plus the house. When he gets out he'll has to register as a sex offender. The only place that will have him will be Compton, so he'd better familiarize himself with NWA's Greatest Hits so he can fit in.

The question is this-are there any heroes left in the world that aren't served with tomatoes, pickles, and  a side order of Federal indictments? Hulk Hogan, the 1980's pro wrestling icon, who cajoled all his little Hulk-o-Maniacs to drink their milk, eat their veggies, and say their prayers every night, turned out to be a steroid-addled racist. Bill Cosby, once America's favorite dad, was a slimy, self-promoting huckster/rapist who ghoulishly drugged his victims to have sex with them when they were passed out. And now we have Jared Fogle. We are left with Donald Trump, douchebag extraordinaire, a man running for President of the United States who is so clearly out of touch with the American people that he appears in public with an albino beaver pelt on his head and wants everyone to think it's not a fucking wig that's been perma-drilled into his scalp by the same engineers who dug Chapo Guzman's escape tunnel.

What the fuck is this world coming to...

Editor's note-it seems as if the Subway fast food company was warned about Fogles' predilictions years earlier but chose to ignore them. The latest allegations are that he took vacations to Thailand to have sex with girls as young as 9. Just for this they should be closed down, but they of course deny it.

http://www.businessinsider.com/subway-franchisee-says-subway-knew-about-jared-fogles-disturbing-behavior-2015-8

Ah, but there's more. His charity, which was supposed to donate $2 million dollars yearly to childhood obesity programs all across the country, never handed out one freakin' dime to anyone. They did pay a hefty salary to Fogle's partner-in-porno-crime Russel C. Taylor, who Fogle is now suing because the house he lived in was paid by a loan from Fogle. Fogle is looking to claim the property because Russell hasn't made any payments on said loan due to the inconvenient fact that he's in jail. 

All of this would be funny if it weren't so pathetic and sad. This guy was able to make a mint by advertising himself as the weight-loss champion of the United States, and all he had to do was keep eating those horrid sandwiches and doing personal appearances for the company, and yet that wasn't enough. Lusting after little children was what was eating at him (pun intended) the whole time he was smiling into the camera while cajoling all of us us to "eat fresh". When I think of this slogan, it never occured to me that he was talking about 9-year old Thai girls the whole time. Fuck you, Jared-I hope you rot in hell.