Thursday, August 20, 2015

A Hero Ain't Nothin' but a Sandwich...

This is the title of a book (and a film) that has nothing to do with the Subway fast food franchise, but it is apropos to the situation they find themselves in. For the last 17 years, they've dedicated the majority of their advertising muscle on the inprobable story of an anonymous midwestern dork who claimed he lost hundreds of pounds simply by exercising (walking was major part of his regimen because he was too fucking fat to run) and eating two Subway sandwiches a day. He had an innocuous, non-threatening, "I'm an everyday guy just like you" type of charisma, replete with perfectly aligned, phosphorescent white teeth and a sincere, ah shucks smile that was made for tv. People could identify with this schmuck because he was "one of us", an everyman-turned-media star by virtue of accomplishing something many Americans struggle with-weight loss.

Hence the advertising scheme came to life. Anyone can lose weight by eating our sandwiches!!! Just ask Jared!!! Give Subway props for being able to market this semi-androgynous doufus as a weight losing, marathon-running swashbuckler to frustrated lardasses everywhere in an attempt to sell under-meated, over-lettuced bullshit sandwiches to an unsuspecting public for the last 17 years. A hero ain't nuthin' but a sandwich, less so in this case.

                        Too old for you, motherfucker?   

The odd thing about this character was that no one seemed to tire of him. He cultivated the persona of the harmless, ageless spokesperson for weight loss despite the fact that he was shilling one of the worst gastonomical monstrosities this side of a rat salad. Fogle wrote an inspirational book, made public appearances all over the world, and was celebrated as "The Subway Guy". He lived in a very nice suburb in Indiana and had a net worth of around 17 million dollars. Not bad for someone who has no talent whatsoever.

But there always seems to be a "but" behind every American success story. Jared Fogle, despite raking in millions of dollars for basically playing himself on countless Subway commercials and print advertisements, has admitted to engaging in sexual acts with underage girls. The lasciviousness of his actions are recounted in court documents, where on one trip to NYC he asked a 17-year old if she had any friends, "the younger the better". He was also found with child pornography on his computer, supplied to him by Russell C. Taylor, the former executive director of his charity called "The Jared Foundation". Taylor attempted suicide while incarcarated for similar charges. Fogle has stated that he shocked-SHOCKED!!!-that the manager of his charity was dabbling in child pornography, when he was in on it with him the whole time.

Hindsight being 20/20, this photo seems quite inappropriate-

One neighbor's response was, sadly, way too typical. When asked about the situation, the person feigned disbelief, and stated "I never thought something like this could happen HERE". By "here" he meant the lilly-white suburbs of Indiana. So much for wholessome midwestern values.

Money and fame do strange things to people. It also does strange things to strange people. I heard someone say "if you want to see someone's true character, give them some money and see how they act". Well, I think we've seen enough with this schlub. Looking back on it, it all makes sense. He had a certain creepiness to his demeaner, as if he were merely a puppet stuffed with lettuce and condiments like the average Subway sandwich. He seemed oddly calm and at peace with the world, wanting nothing more than to stroll over to his nearest Subway store for his daily foot-long piece of crap sandwich that no self-respecting connosoir would go near.

Subway did a great job marketing this guy, and now they will pay the price. Then again, their problems didn't start with this unfortunate choice of spokeperson, nor will it end with him. They sell terrible sandwiches. One of the active ingredients in their bread is a plastic-type filler that is used to manufacture yoga mats. There are twice as many Subway franchises as McDonald's, it's kissing cousin in the synthetic fast food meat wars. You can't make money by over-saturating the market with unadulterated garbage that can be found somewhere else except with more quality ingredients. They will have to scale down and cut their franchises by at least half if they want to sustain viability in a market where they are competing with the local deli. I know mine makes much better sandwiches, and I have a choice of about 15 in a three-block span. The only subway I go into is the one that takes me downtown, where I have to share a compartment with the resident welfare queens and Section-8 losers here in NYC.

Due to a plea deal, Fogle is facing a minimum of five years in prison, and has agreed to pay out $1.4 million dollars to a multitude of victims. His wife is divorcing him, so he can say good-bye to at least 50% of whatever net worth he had left, plus the house. When he gets out he'll has to register as a sex offender. The only place that will have him will be Compton, so he'd better familiarize himself with NWA's Greatest Hits so he can fit in.

The question is this-are there any heroes left in the world that aren't served with tomatoes, pickles, and  a side order of Federal indictments? Hulk Hogan, the 1980's pro wrestling icon, who cajoled all his little Hulk-o-Maniacs to drink their milk, eat their veggies, and say their prayers every night, turned out to be a steroid-addled racist. Bill Cosby, once America's favorite dad, was a slimy, self-promoting huckster/rapist who ghoulishly drugged his victims to have sex with them when they were passed out. And now we have Jared Fogle. We are left with Donald Trump, douchebag extraordinaire, a man running for President of the United States who is so clearly out of touch with the American people that he appears in public with an albino beaver pelt on his head and wants everyone to think it's not a fucking wig that's been perma-drilled into his scalp by the same engineers who dug Chapo Guzman's escape tunnel.

What the fuck is this world coming to...

Editor's note-it seems as if the Subway fast food company was warned about Fogles' predilictions years earlier but chose to ignore them. The latest allegations are that he took vacations to Thailand to have sex with girls as young as 9. Just for this they should be closed down, but they of course deny it.

Ah, but there's more. His charity, which was supposed to donate $2 million dollars yearly to childhood obesity programs all across the country, never handed out one freakin' dime to anyone. They did pay a hefty salary to Fogle's partner-in-porno-crime Russel C. Taylor, who Fogle is now suing because the house he lived in was paid by a loan from Fogle. Fogle is looking to claim the property because Russell hasn't made any payments on said loan due to the inconvenient fact that he's in jail. 

All of this would be funny if it weren't so pathetic and sad. This guy was able to make a mint by advertising himself as the weight-loss champion of the United States, and all he had to do was keep eating those horrid sandwiches and doing personal appearances for the company, and yet that wasn't enough. Lusting after little children was what was eating at him (pun intended) the whole time he was smiling into the camera while cajoling all of us us to "eat fresh". When I think of this slogan, it never occured to me that he was talking about 9-year old Thai girls the whole time. Fuck you, Jared-I hope you rot in hell.