Sunday, September 27, 2009

Film Recommendation of the Week...

On this rainy day in NYC, I enthusiastically recommend a good thriller to curl up in front of your overpriced, soon-to-be obsolete flat screen television.

Release Date-June 25, 1971.
Running Time 1 hour 54 minutes.

A prostitute (played by Jane Fonda) assists private detective John Klute in his investigation into the disappearance of a business executive. It turns out that his disappearance coincides with the unresolved murders of a few of Fonda's prostitute friends, and is a suspect in the near-murder of Fonda herself.

Klute gets drawn into Fonda's seedy world and they develop an unlikely romance. Fonda won an Oscar for her performance, but Donald Sutherland also deserves accolades for playing the role of the conservative detective. We get to see NYC as it once was, in all it's grimy and garbage-strewn glory. Roy Schieder's in it, too and does an excellent job in his cameo appearance.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Babe of the Week for September 25, 2009 is...

Salma Hayek!!!

There is no fence high enough to keep this Mexican beauty from infiltrating our borders. We may want to stop Guillermo and his merry band of Mexican midgets from coming here for the privilege of cooking in our restaurants and basically taking jobs no one else would do, but Salma will ALWAYS get an exemption from INS. Why? Take a look...

Yes, she's a terrible actress.
If you don't believe me, just rent "Wild Wild West" starring her and Will Smith. That would of been a career killer for anyone else, but acting is not her forté.

Yes, her accent is even worse.

Yes again, she is nothing but your standard-issue gold digger.
(Marrying a French billionaire will put you in that category).

But the world is always more than happy to bestow upon you everything you've done nothing to deserve, all you have to do is loook mahvelous, dahling-and she most certainly does!!!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Idiots in the News...

After an exhaustive two month "sting" operation, it has come to the attention of the battle-ax housewives of the good state of Washington as to why their henpecked husbands love to take a ride down to the ol' Grab-n-Go Espresso drive-thru coffee house.

Baristas Charged in Sex Sting

Five women, names not yet released
Ages: 18-24
Everett, Wash.
Background: Detectives posing as customers at the Grab-n-Go Espresso say women were charging up to $80 to flash their skin as they mixed coffee drinks. Witnesses report that women exposed and touched their breasts and buttocks, engaging in a "whipped cream show."

So, what was it about this story that caught my attention? The fact that it took law enforcement 2 months of investigation and surveillance to bring these hoochies to their knees? (pun intended) Or the fact that the offending twats could only get a grand total of 90 days in jail and a $1,000 fine, and that's if they don't plead down which they most certainly will? Seems mighty fucking stupid to spend all that time, taxpayer money and effort when there are some real bad guys out there who are in dire need of surveillance. Has Washington eradicated all of it's meth labs? Is there nothing better for law enforcement to do than a pathetic sting operation of this nature?

But this is America, land of the sexually repressed, and certainly we cannot have any of this. It corrodes the vital fabric of our society, it undermines our core values, the morals that we as a nation hold so dear and what has made this country great...

...and because there is nothing more disgusting than a hot, beautiful young lady spreading her butt cheeks to expose the glory of her genitalia while serving up a hot cup of Joe to a bunch of losers who would pay up to $80 for the opportunity to see something they will never get close to in a million years.

Might as well taser me right now, 'cause there is no fucking way I'm letting a cop arrest me wearing those shorts.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Film Recommendation of the Week...

The Sea Inside
Release Date September 3, 2004.
Spanish w/english subtitles.
Running time 2 hours 5 minutes.

Javier Bardem gives another amazing performance, this time as a quadriplegic (due to a diving accident) who is trying to fight for his right to end his life in the Spanish courts. He loses the court battle but eventually takes cyanide.

A tremendous movie that won the Oscar for best foreign language film and over 14 Goya Awards. The acting by the whole cast is superb, and I highly recommend this film for those who enjoy grappling with existentialist questions on the meaning of life.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Babe of the Week for September 18, 2009 is...

Jeimy Moya!!!

She's Dominican, lives in Miami (where else? Were you expecting Serbia?) and works as a hair stylist/model, but for all I know she could be our current Secretary of State. I have no idea what she does or how she does it, but let's be real-when you look like this, none of that bullshit matters.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Death of Celebrity...

Even on the evening of his induction into the Hall of Fame, one moment stands out as truly bizarre in what was the quintessence of bad sportsmanship. He mentions Pat Riley and a situation with a hotel suite in Hawaii where Riley was staying but Jordan had reservations. Jordan mentions how Riley was forced to leave by hotel management, and on his way out Pat slips a note under his door saying, "We will meet again". Jordan waited this long to tell the world that even amongst dueling egos, he wins every time, even if it's over something as insignificant as a spat over a suite (as if there was just one in the whole hotel).

But it was Riley's competitive drive that forced the issue that day, and Jordan at least respected that if nothing else. Here is a quote from an interview with Michael in GQ magazine-

Interviewer-"You had a reputation as a guy who'd chastise, ridicule, and ride his teammates. Were you purposefully a demanding teammate?"

Jordan-"That was leadership. I was the only guy there from 1984. I was there when there were 6,000 people in the stands. So I took pride in making sure every guy understood what it took to get us to this point, and by no means am I going to allow you to come in and change what we'd begun-the transformation of a city that's never had a championship.

I used my criticism, my aggressive language, my aggressive behavior, to make you conform. Some people, like Sam Smith [author of "The Jordan Rules"], looked at this in a whole different frame of mind. At first I was offended. Then I realized, people don't understand our journey.

I bet if you ask anyone now on those teams, they have a greater appreciation for we achieved as opposed to the what method we went by to achieve what we achieved."

Interviewer-"But what was the relentless riding of your teammates about, especially once you've won a few championships? Was it you trying to guard against complacency?"

Jordan-"Absolutely. I never took a day off. If I took a day off, then Scottie was going to take a day off. And the Horace. The next thing you know, the whole scope of what were trying to do is being weakened. I never took a shortcut. and I never wanted anyone else to take a shortcut. If that meant someone interprets me as a tyrant, I'm pretty sure they're appreciative now."

Fair enough. But what occurred to me when I listened to this speech (and I did so more than once) was this competitive drive overlapped into his private life and personal relationships, to the point where he took the unprecedented step of marching all of these people into a packed auditorium just to hear this caustic harangue.

It is clear to me that success, world-wide adulation and untold millions of dollars was never going to be enough to quell the anger, the unfettered hatred this man feels towards pretty much everyone who's had the misfortune of floating anywhere near his trajectory. These people, who dared get too close to the fire, were meant to be consumed by it.

This speech was Jordan's "Fahrenheit 451". After he got done torching the NBA record books as a player, he took that same flame to anyone that ever meant anything to him. And the sad part is not one person stood up and walked out in disgust. They squirmed in their seats and nervously laughed at his pointed barbs, happy to have even been mentioned in his speech. The way they were individually stripped and raped was borderline obscene, but the manner in which they obsequiously endured this humiliation, to then honor him with a standing ovation was even worse.

If being in the presence of celebrity means that one has to endure emasculation and loss of dignity and pride, no thanks-I'll keep watching these guys on TV and hope that no one I know ever turns into such a disgusting human being.

Thanks for the memories, Mike-and thank you for articulating so clearly why people like you have no business being role models for our youth.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Michael Jordan and the Basketball Hall of Fame...

People often wonder what it takes to become the best at one's chosen profession. Aside from the remarkable physical attributes, some obvious (height, athleticism) and some not (enormous hands-Jordan has fingers that are an inch longer than an average 6'5" man, which made his patented illegal palming on offensive forays to the basket that much easier) there is the mental aspect-the drive to be the best. We finally got to see exactly from whence that drive emanated from, and I would argue that even his biggest boot lickers and fanboys winced at the unveiling of this man's monstrous ego run amok.

At a moment when humility would of served him best, Michael Jordan decided to take the unprecedented step of throwing almost everyone he came across on his way to becoming the undisputed best basketball player on the planet under an 18-wheeler full of nitroglycerin. And all of the gathered guests had to sit there and watch this enormous vehicle gain momentum and explode right in their faces.

It was obvious that MJ was huge a fan of the show "Seinfeld". This is why his induction ceremony took place when it did-during the made-up holiday called "FESTIVUS". First, it was the parties before the induction where the "feats of strength" contest took place, and Jordan once again dominated in classic style-

No one can pick up white women like Jordan, who is strong enough to lift two at a time with one arm. Then came the highlight of the evening, "The airing of grievances". And boy was his list long.

The vitriol he spat was visceral. The ganglia of his unbridled id was finally exposed for all to witness, and if one wanted to see what was behind that famous drive to be the best, I'm sure their illusions were shattered like a car bomb at an Iraqi open-air market. At one point I thought Jordan had prepared a speech best reserved for a celebrity roast, except none of it was funny. It was a hate speech worthy of the most virulent National Socialist rallies. I'm sure ex-Nazi Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels was applauding from whichever ring of Hell he now calls home.

Jordan began by slicing through his whole family and it set the tone for the rest of his speech. He did not refer to any of them with any emotion remotely resembling familial love. Oddly, one got the sense that they were nothing more than obstacles placed in his way, the very first people he had to stomp on and dominate while cultivating a legacy he obsessed over way before the media and adoring fans alike began to refer to him as "His Airness". He mentions his brothers and their pronounced lack of height and how one of them in particular was proof that "small things DO come in small packages". Nice.

What struck me was the monumental sense of entitlement and the rage that curdled over the most insignificant of slights. He brought along the hapless Leroy Smith, the man unfortunate enough to have been picked for the varsity squad over Jordan as sophomores, knowing full well the circumstances were not at all what we've been lead to believe. He then goes on to mention that the poor saps' game is probably no better all these years later then it was then, as if that even matters at this point in either man's life.

He even takes the samurai sword to his college coach at North Carolina, the legendary and beloved Dean Smith. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone with a bad word to say about him, but true to form Michael does. During his freshman year, Smith had the audacity to leave Jordan off a Sports Illustrated cover, posing instead with the other four starters who were returning from the year before. Didn't Smith know that this was THEE Michael Jordan? How dare he? This was just another in a series of seemingly never-ending slights that fed Jordan's furious drive.

And we got to hear them ALL. From the alleged freeze-out he suffered as a rookie during his first NBA All-Star game by Isaiah Thomas, George Gervin and Magic Johnson(who allegedly conspired to keep the ball out of his hands as much as possible because of the collective sentiment around the league that Jordan was too big for his britches), to Bulls management, specifically the two Jerrys-Krause and Reinsdorf, to Bryon Russell, who remains in his sights to this very day (yeah, I know-what the fuck is THAT one all about) to Doug Collins and his disregard of Jordan's "Love of the Game" clause while recovering from injury(Collins got fired in no small part due to Jordan's wishes and replaced by the obsequious, ball-sucking Phil Jackson-that's right, I said it)-but he saved the worst part for last.

He undiplomatically told his three children sitting in the front row he would not want to be them because of the burden of expectations his legacy has placed on them. How utterly lacking in charm. But it gets more surreal. He then goes off on a tirade against the Hall of Fame for raising ticket prices to $1,000 a seat for the induction ceremony (did he not know Michael Jordan was being inducted?).

He grudgingly paid the money because he needed to make sure everyone that ever got in his way was there to get hammered, mercilessly and unceremoniously. Jordan "thanking" all of these people for providing the necessary motivation that fueled his unquenchable desire to be NUMERO UNO was akin to the scene in the movie "Blow" when Johhnie Depp's character is flown off to Medellin to meet drug lord Pablo Escobar. Escobar is seen escorting a man to a wall where he is given a handshake and a pat on the shoulder by "El Padrino" himself-right before one of his goons executes him with a shot to the head. He then casually strolls over to Depp and says "That man, yes, he was a man of honor..." That must of been what it felt like being memorialized by Jordan that evening.

And that irrational, psychotic anger was at the centerpiece of Michael Jordan's speech. So now we know what it takes to be that guy-

1) Be born a freak of nature.

2) Find an excuse to rage against every petty offense.

3) Take EVERYTHING personally and hold grudges to the bitter end, even after you've gotten the upper hand.

4) Make sure you have the upper hand/last laugh in ANY situation, even if it takes YEARS to execute said vendetta (for example, during a HoF induction speech).

In other words, be a complete and utter ASSHOLE.

This is the song that should of been played at his induction ceremony-it pretty much sums him up in a nutshell-

And he left the stage with this interesting quote-

"“One day you might look up and see me playing the game at 50,” he said, to laughter. “Oh don’t laugh, don’t laugh. Never say never. Because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion.”

This is what we have to look forward to-one day, we'll see Jordan embarrassing himself again and tarnishing his legacy like he did when he played with the Wizards, a pathetic shadow of his former self (a glorified, overweight jump shooter with crotchety knees and no hops left in the tank) and a poster boy for athletes who don't know when to hang up their jockstrap, even when they've done everything there is to do in their chosen professional sport.

Film Recommendation of the Week...

I just peeped three of the current popular films currently out in theatres-"The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Bastards and District 9". All were complete and utter garbage and I'm glad I didn't pay to see them. The list of movies not to see is getting longer than the ones worth recommending, but I'll do my best to provide some decent alternatives to the rubbish being churned out by Hollywood.

Plata Quemada(Burnt Money)
Spanish w/english subtitles.
Release Date-May 11, 2000.
Running Time 2 hours 5 minutes.

This film is based on the infamous 1965 armored car hijacking in Buenos Aires and the subsequent international manhunt for the fugitives. Great gangster flick with great actors, including Eduardo Noriega, Leonardo Sbaraglia, Pablo Echarri and the very mahvelous looking Leticia Bredice.

Fuck that, stay home and rent this instead of going out and paying money for the crap that's currently being featured in movie theatres.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Babe of the Week for September 11th is...


This Brazilian beauty began modeling at the age of 15 when she was discovered in a shopping mall (where else?). She is supposedly a devout catholic and remained a virgin until she got married to some Eastern European uber-doofus basketball player and is now applying for Serbian citizenship. We won't hold any of these transgressions against her simply because she loooks mahvelous, dahling. Absolutely mahvelous!!! (Come on, baby-Serbia? WHAT THE FUCK?)