Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Advice for the incoming Latino Class of 2019, or however long it takes you to graduate...

If you're a young Latino from the 'hood and are attending college for the first time, we here at "Busting Chops" have compiled a list of "Do's and Don'ts" that will make acclimating to your new environment easier, because-and trust me on this one-no one will break it down for you like us.

1) Make sure you've cleared up any outstanding warrants before your first day of class.

2) Don't show up on campus with all your possessions in garbage bags. You're going to school, not a homeless shelter. Even if the only people you know who travel are convicted felons doing time upstate, somebody close to you must have at least one fucking "maleta" they can let you borrow, even if the zipper's broken and you have to close it with duct tape.

3) Do not throw trash out of your dorm window. You are living on a college campus, not in some urine-soaked tenement building in the Bronx where it's a given that nobody gives a fuck.

4) If you stroll by someone's dorm room and the door is open and no one is there, this is NOT an invitation for you to walk in and steal something.

5) When an attractive white girl you don't know walks by and says "hello", that does not mean she's a nymphomaniac and wants to sleep with you. She is just being friendly. Regardless of what you've heard, keg parties do not turn white girls into sluts. If no pretty girl would voluntarily sleep with you back home, all the Bill Cosby date rape drugs in the world will not alter this reality once you're on campus.

6) Make every effort to do well your first semester. It will set a better tone for the rest of your academic career than getting three incompletes and a C minus in "Inroduction to Elementary Spanish I". A poor performance will only cement the fact that you are illiterate in TWO languages (English and Spanish), and are on campus simply to fill a racial quota. Don't do that to yourself. Have some fucking pride.

7) Despite what your toothless, heroin-addicted uncle Pedro says, you cannot apply for a Section-8 voucher to help pay for on-campus housing.

8) Take advantage of the fact that you can eat three meals a day without having to worry about your mother's food stamps running out before the end of the month.

9) Don't go around telling people your father is a world famous guitarist just because your last name happens to be "Santana". You will then have to explain why he's rich and you are living in the projects.

10) If you've made it as far as college, you are no thug, so don't start acting like one in an attempt to impress or intimidate your white, middle-class, suburban classmates. Spare us the ghetto ghost stories of gangs, pimps, hustlers, and gratuitous shoot-outs over drug turf-that's what rap albums are for. If you're a student, that's not your life and it never was. Cut the crap and focus on what you're in college for, to avoid rape charges while trying to graduate within a reasonable time frame.

Editor's Note-To my fellow inner city Latino college-bound peeps out there, take very seriously this one and only opportunity you have to break the cycle of poverty. If you count on being the next Jay-Z or the next "Boy George" Rivera, then "Vaya con Dios" with that bullshit and read no further, because it won't do you any good. For all the rest who may give a damn and are truly concerned, here is the real scoop that no fucking guidance counselor will ever articulate to you-while in college, don't be the typical dickhead out every night partying, getting high and drunk, chasing pussy, and missing class if you're on scholarship. 

If you fuck up, you won't be allowed to return until you pay all that money back, Nowadays one semester at even a state institution of higher learning will run into the tens of thousands of dollars, which means the dream for you will  be over. I'm not joking about this. Schools will not release your transcripts until they are reimbursed for the money you wasted, which means you will not be allowed to attend even a community college until that debt is cleared. This includes student loans. Default on one of those and you'll never be allowed to apply for another one until you pay up. The rest of your better-off friends will be graduating while you are back livng in the ghetto wondering what the fuck happened, surrounded by losers who love nothing more than watching someone who had potential join them in their downward spiral towards the septic tank called Palookaville. 

Being poor and Latino means walking a fine line that does not allow for any fuck-ups. Don't make it worse by ruining what is arguably the only chance you'll get to change your life for the better. Have a great semester, gentlemen. I know you can do it.

Friday, September 4, 2015

The World's Most Expensive Adult Film...

We are back with the ubiquitous Fifty Cent (aka "Fitty"), who counts himself nearly penniless these days due to an financially lascivious lifestyle that he claims was an exaggeration for the sake of selling albums and generating social media buzz for his music label. He's in the process of filing for bankruptcy just so he can get out of paying a settlement to one Lastonia Leviston, the baby mama of Miami rapper Rick Ross. How'd the involved parties get to this point? Fitty made a sex tape with this woman and then released it to the public. He did this to shame Rick Ross, the fat, serial blunt-smoking, grossly-tattooed entertainer who claims a life of crime before the rap game when in reality he had the un-gangsterish job as a guard at a correctional facility. The release of this tape was the result of one of those tired rap beefs that flare up whenever one or both parties are looking for even more publicity, but this one went a bit too far in the direction of stupid for our resident hardcore rapper from Queens, New York.

                          You mean this ain't real?

Fitty lost on two counts-the initial award was for $5 million, with another one tacked on for another $2 milion in punative damages. I can see this being applicable, because poor Ms. Leviston has a reputation to uphold when she goes to the corner bodega to purchase menthol cigarettes and a six-pack of Coor's Light with her EBT card. We can't have the guys at the loosey spot thinking she's a whore now, can we? The video was posted in 2009, and Fitty released it when his beef with Ross was heating up. Apparently he was saving it just for a moment like this, and it backfired tremendously on him. But that how idiots behave when they have a milion dollars and no sense.

                          Rick Ross, having the last laugh...

Two issues played against the defendant. One, the trial was held in NYC, a city that has a reputation for handing out large settlements in civil cases, especially in the outer boroughs of the Bronx, Brooklyn, and Queens. Two, Fifty Cent isn't exactly a hero to working class people or women. The manner in which he flaunts his wealth and his use of grotesque images of misogeny and violence to sell his warped ideal of the American Dream does not resonate with the average working class juror.

Let's get one thing straight-this Levinston twat is an absolute money-grubbing swine. She got with Rick Ross and had a child with him, and sued him for child support to support her ghetto bling-bling fantasies. She then got with Fitty as a revenge fuck against Ross and happily filmed an abhorrent sex tape where it is clear she was down with the program. She exibited the enthusiasm of an overweight suburban fuckface loser heading into a Subway sandwich shop to choke on a foot-long in the hopes  that he'll lose weight just like Jared.

Levinston outside the courthouse kissing and hugging the jurors who just made her rich- -

We here at "Busting Chops" pride ourselves on the integrity of our research, so for the sake of authenticity we sat down and watched the 13-minute video in question. It's absolutely vile. The beginning of the video shows Fitty in a costume trying out some half-baked comedy act. We don't remember his schtick because it wasn't funny. Then we see the offended party kneeling down and talking into the camera, making smiley faces and spreading her legs in gleeful joy. Nowhere in the hisotry of amateur adult cinema have I seen a whore so exstatic to express herself than on this video. She clearly knew she was being filmed and was happy to take part. The sex act itself has shitty production values, is badly choreographed, and shows Fitty looking like a bloated ex-athlete who had come down from a steroid cycle. Ms. Leviston is an absolute clydesdale, and I have no idea why a guy who has access to the most beautiful whores and hoochies this side of Hugh Hefner would stoop to having sex with this Malasian Hairy Backed Boar.

Levinson wanted revenge against her baby's father, and Fitty wanted to "stick it to him', as it were. It backfired for Fitty but morphed into a financial bonanza for the aggrieved party. The victim in all this is the child Ross had with this bitch. For the rest of her life she'll be inundated with taunts that her mother is a money-grubbing whore, and they would be correct in their ASS-essment. The poor child is going to suffer massive psychological trauma because of her mother, who doesn't care because that's how whores roll. But it's the financials that are of more interest, because Fifty Cent is crying that he's penniless for the purpose of not paying the judgements against him. He is also on the hook for $18 million to a headphone company when the deal fell through.

Meanwhile, all he did was brag about his $100 million dollar buy-out of his shares of the Vitamin Water company, and had purchased Mike Tyson's old pimp mansion back when Iron Mike was getting played like a lute by the queen of all pop culture gold digging tramps, Robin Givens. When asked in Federal court about his earnings selling warmed-over, bullshit, played-out gangster rap to idiotic suburban youth and even more stupid urban youth who consider this dickhead a hero, he stated he only made 10 cents an album. That doesn't like a deal a smart businessman would make, and it probably isn't true. But he surely had no problems flaunting his wealth on videos and on every single red carpet to every single moronic, meaningless awards show in Hollywood, so now he's going to be made accountable for every dime because eventually, he's going to have to pay these settlements, even if it's 50 cents at a time. And it couldn't have happened to bigger asshole.

                                Monopoly money, baby-