Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tebow-Mania hits New York City!!!

Ah, Tim Tebow is officially a member of the New York Jets. YES!!! Finally, an even more pathetic drop-step quarterback than Mark "Dirty" Sanchez!!! Tebow has a stronger arm out of the two, but has an even worse completion rating than our resident Latino GQ coverboy, who throws more interceptions than Vinny Testaverde. No one was anticipating the second coming of Richard Todd with this dingleberry of a quarterback, but let's be real-Sanchez was a tad bit overrated coming out of USC. He was more a product of Pete Carroll's pro-style offense than anything else. Sanchez did manage to take the Jets to the AFC Finals two years running, but that is no testament to his quality as much as it is the result of luck and the Jets' stifling defense.

Mark Sanchez, GQ Model-
As for Tebow, how many backup quarterbacks get a press conference worthy of a newly crowned world champion? How is it that he has created a quarterback controversy despite the fact he can't toss a watermelon through an open window if he were standing right in front of it? But all he does is win, right? what hate on Tebow for that? Because somewhere down the road NFL defenses will catch on to his one-trick pony show and will stop him dead in his tracks. Without a passing game to supplement his running talents, he's nothing but a fullback in a quarterbacks' jersey.

We were subjected to his weasel-faced diatribe about hard work, leadership and all that other contrived garbage. His "ah shucks, by golly" redneck demeanor isn't going to play well in New York if he doesn't produce, that is the bottom line. And produce he can, if the Jets utilize him to accentuate his skill set, which is that of a bruising running back and not a pocket passer.

Rex Ryan working hard on how to best utilize Tim Tebow-
Now the Jets wide receivers have to put up with TWO quarterbacks who can't throw, which is exactly what they do NOT need. Their running game needs an overhaul, of that there is no doubt. Adding Ladanian Tomlinson on the downside of his career was an exercise in wishful thinking. The Jets need a faster, younger backfield to make up for their deficiencies in their passing game, and Tebow fits the bill to a proverbial "T". This nightmare scenario might work if the Jets install a Wildcat offense to showcase Tebow's obvious talents as a runner. If they decide to run plays for him that call for passing down field, their receivers are going to have a hard time twisting themselves into pretzels trying to catch under and overthrown passes that waddle in the air like wounded ducks. I'm sure Santonio Holmes is jumping for joy at the news that he's got another mediocre quarterback to NOT throw him the ball.

The Three Pendejos-
The Evangelical Christian Right pressured the Denver Broncos into promoting a fourth-string QB into the starting position, and enough miracles took place last season for people to believe Tebow was the Second Coming. But John Elway knew what he was looking at-a flash-in-the-pan cowboy who got lucky enough times to strangle the conversation about his glaring weaknesses, which the New England Patriots exposed in the playoffs. THAT was the real Tim Tebow, not the miracle worker who owed his success more to Denver's ability on defense to keep their anemic offense in games long enough for all those fourth quarter comebacks than to divine intervention.

Here's to hoping the Jets do something useful with these two bum-ass quarterbacks. They desperately need to get back on track and show the world they did not make a monumental mistake in not only acquiring Tebow but in signing Sanchez to a long-term contract, especially after last year's debacle in which he was openly criticized by his own teammates as lacking the leadership qualities vital to leading an NFL football team. I highly doubt it, but miracles do happen. Let's see. Then again, after witnessing this episode of epic bitch-assedness, you would question Sanchez's toughness also-

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Film Recommendation of the Week...

Two Lovers
Release date November 19, 2008.
Running Time 1 hour 40 minutes.

This adaptation of Russian author Fyodor Dostoyevsky's "White Nights" finds the protagonist, an incredibly unhappy young man named Leonard, in the midst of yet another suicide attempt. He has a seemingly understanding and incredibly boring girlfriend and an opportunity to advance in the exciting field of dry cleaning, yet a sort of emotional morass looms over his head like a dark cloud.

In walks in the proverbial blond bombshell, who is clearly on her way to fucking with this poor guy's head. Her clinically undiagnosed dysfunction puts his bullshit life into its' proper perspective, and the ending serves as an abject lesson in humility only a Russian author like Dostoyevsky can appreciate. Great film and excellent acting by both River Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow.

As an aside, the sign of great acting in this day and age of 3D bullshit is when the actors delve into their roles to the point where you actually believe they are normal, everyday people caught up in the same type of loser bullshit everyone else gets into. Phoenix and Paltrow achieve this in spades.

Babe of the Week for March 16, 2012 is...

Kelli Garner!!!

I first came across Kelli in the 2001 film "Bully" which was a previous "Film Recommendation of the Week" here on "Busting Chops. She played the loser white trash girlfriend of Bijou Phillips with majestic aplomb (Phillips, another former "Babe of the Week") and it always struck me how beautiful she was (and still is-she looks even better now that she's gotten her teeth worked on). I admit to having a weakness for trashy white broads like the one she played in this film (there's something seductive about their lowbrow, drug-addled existence), and after watching it again last night I decided to look her up to see if she's done any work of note since then.

Kelli (upper left) with her gang of wanna-be gangsters sitting in the courtroom dock in the 2001 film "Bully"-
Even though I hadn't seen her in any other flick besides "Bully", it turns out she's been a very busy actress with many film roles to her credit. Nothing that would make Meryl Streep bust out in hives and night sweats (in fact, I took a look at her resumé and I'm not familiar with any movie she's starred in over the last decade) but it doesn't matter, because she looks mahvelous, dahling-absolutely mahvelous!!!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

NBA Trade Deadline Winners and Losers...

All the hoopla we've been subjected to over the Dwight Howard situation and he decides to stay for at least one more year in Orlando. The Magic are not in a position to improve their roster. They have a bunch of over-the-hill B-list players who are scraping away the remaining years of their careers on a team with a superstar they cannot help win a championship. I would have opted the fuck out and gone this summer as a free agent to New Jersey. At least they have a point guard who can take Howard to the next level, and this is no knock on Jameer Nelson, who's a good player but he's no Deron Williams.

Dwight Howard, proving that there is such a thing as being too cock diesel-
All Howard needs to do now is get rid if that blithering twat of an ex-girlfriend Royce Reed, the one who is on the reality show "Basketball Wives". Just how toxic is this sleazebag? She's so stupid she violated a court order not to talk about him on the show, and was successfully sued by Howard in Florida last year to the tune of $500,000 dollars. And to this date she still hasn't ponied up the loot. And don't get dazzled by her good looks. She's as rotten as a corpse dug out of a mass grave.


Wanna get a good laugh? Here is Reed in action. This is one reason why basketball players end up broke after their playing days are over-they marry assholes like this fucking useless whore. At this point you may be asking what this pathetic excuse for a Hunt's Point prostitute did for a living before meeting Howard. She was an Orlando Magic/Miami Heat dancer. Put that on your resumé and see if top Fortune 500 companies aren't knocking your door down clamoring for your services. Just in case you're high or drunk, Reed is the first bitch who appears dressed in black doing those stupid splits. This was a party thrown by Terrel Owens and Ludacris (nothing says classy like these two guys). When I saw the combination of a pool, video cameras and assholes all around, my first thought was Reed was starring in "Seymore Butts' Pool Party Part III". That is probably her next gig when she gets the bum's rush from this terrible reality show.

Deron Williams can opt out of the last year of his contract this summer and become an unrestricted free agent. For all the hype and hoopla Russian billionaire owner Prokhorov blew into town with, he's been able to do absolutely nothing with free agent signings and trades to improve the team. If it wasn't for Williams, a star point guard wasting the best years of his athletic career on a team full of bums, the Nets would be challenging Michael Jordan's abysmal Charlotte Bobcats as the worst team in the league. I hear crickets in that new stadium they're building in Brooklyn already and it's not finished yet. Gerald Wallace would have been a good addition if he were 4-5 years younger. To trade two players AND a potential first-round pick for an aging power forward is just ludicrous, but this is why nobody is going to be watching the Nets either in Jersey, Brooklyn or Moscow.

Dallas chased away four key players from last year's championship team to retool for the inevitable free agent bonanza. Mark Cuban obviously learned nothing from the Lebron James fiasco, and decided to gut the Mavericks to prepare for the arrival of Deron Williams and Dwight Howard. The fan base in Dallas are upset that Cuban decided not to give the team a chance to defend their championship, which they would have had a great opportunity to do seeing as the Western Conference is in such disarray. One lesson he'll learn from this is that you cannot defend a title and rebuild at the same time. You also cannot count on a particular player singing as a free agent just because you have cap space available to give him a max contract. This is why Qwame Brown still has a job in the NBA, because there are just not that many good players to go around.

The most provocative trade was the one that never happened. James Dolan, owner of the Knicks, got his job via nepotism. He is nothing but a crackhead in a $3,000 suit. If he weren't the son of a media mogul, he'd be wearing an orange jumpsuit and picking up litter with a spear on Route 9W in Northern New Jersey. This asshole is so married to Carmelo Anthony that he nixed the idea of trading him for Deron Williams, a great trade that would have benefited all parties concerned.

Williams is the type of point guard they desperately need to maximize the potential of the players currently on the team. That is their missing piece. They can have Baron Davis coming off the bench, which will allow them to send Mike Bibby and Jeremy Lin packing. Williams may even be able to resurrect Amer'e Stoudemire from the dead. Melo would still be in NYC where his no-talent wife can continue to make money as a witless reality tv star, and he'll play for a team that will need him to jack up 45 shots a game just to keep the losing margin in the low double digits every night.

The other trades that went down were of minor consequence-

*Stephen Jackson winds up in San Antonio and Monta Ellis goes to Milwaukee.

*The Lakers rid themselves of Derek Fisher and a first round pick to Houston for Jordan Hill. (Who the fuck is Jordan Hill?) They also rid themselves of perpetual ass clown Luke Walton, the most overpaid D-League loser the NBA has ever seen.

*Portland had a fire sale, getting rid of Gerald Wallace and Marcus Camby, thereby gutting their front line into oblivion. And to think this team was considered a top contender at the beginning of the season. They've also waived (finally) non-productive former number 1 draft bust Greg Oden to make room for the collective clown car of stiffs they've acquired via trades. And they've fired their coach Nate McMillan. Good-bye playoffs, hello lottery.

That's pretty much it. All the fireworks the talking heads over at ESPN expected as the trade deadline approached amounted to nothing but hot air, with blockbuster trades the dream and the movement of mediocrities from one bum-ass team to another the reality. But that's what happens in a 24-hour sports news cycle-if there is nothing happening, just keep talking until something does.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The End of Linsanity...

It was nice while it lasted. Even I got a bit excited about the whole thing. The Knicks were 8-1 while Jeremy Lin blasted out of the blocks to become the most heralded nobody the NBA has ever seen. His stats during this stretch were a sight to behold, and it was rumored that Carmelo Anthony himself was the one pushing for coach Mike D'Antoni to give Lin a chance in the starting lineup.

New York was abuzz with "Linsanity Fever", and you can't blame them. The last time Spike Lee cheered so hard for an Asian was when his local takeout Chinese restaurant delivered to his house during a snowstorm. Well, the fever has broken, and the patient has been put back on life support. The Knicks aren't really dead, they're just not alive. They are back to their normal state of rigor mortis, trapped in that familiar and overpriced mausoleum called Madison Square Garden.

Everyone was wondering what the dynamic would be when Anthony came back after suffering a groin injury (code for "I didn't stay in shape during the off-season, and if I bend over to tie my sneakers I may pull a muscle"). They are 2-8 since Melo came back and recently went on one of the most disastrous road trips since the Donner Party. They lost all their games during this stretch, even getting cracked by none other than the Midwest powerhouse Milwaukee Bucks, who've been playing without center Andrew Bogut all year due to injury.

And if that's not bad enough, we have J.R. Smith tweeting a photo of his hoochie girlfriend's fat culo for the world to see under the description "World's Fattest Ass". This is the Knicks' one saving grace, that as bad as things have gotten on the court, Smith will guarantee it will be worse off it. For what it's worth, the incident was pure comedy gold, and a pleasant distraction from the real issues hounding this franchise. Note to Smith-any woman who takes pride in having her posterior exposed in a thong on the internet probably isn't a keeper. Just sayin'.

Amar'e Stoudemire has been in a season-long funk that no one can put their finger on. Melo suddenly lost the aggressiveness and athleticism he had in Denver and has averaged season lows in points and rebounds all year. They were both recently benched for the entire fourth quarter of a game, giving rise to conspiracy theories of dissension and frustration between players and coach D'Antoni.

I don't understand what point D'Antoni was attempting to make with this move, but all it's going to do is get him fired. He's basically saying "I can neither coach nor motivate our two most talented and highest paid players, so I'll sit them down to teach them a lesson". But enough about their collective shortcomings. Let's get back to Jeremy Lin.

This is how homeboy has been ripped to shreds lately by the elite point guards in the league-

-Against the Nets, Deron Williams scorched him for 38 points.
-Against the Celtics, Lin got his monkey ass Chernobyled on national television by Rajon Rondo with an astounding all-time line of 18 points, 20 assists and 17 fucking rebounds. After that blast, Boston Police had to evacuate a 10-mile perimeter around the arena from the radiation that seeped into the atmosphere.
-Against the Spurs, Tony Parker horsed him like Secretariat for 32 points and was blowing by him like a circus freak getting shot out of a canon.

Lin's stats have come down to Earth after his red-hot start. The issue is New York is so starving for a winner they couldn't help behave like looters during a blackout when Lin was doing well. He's an OK player, just not the transcendent star New York's been craving for over the last 40 some-odd years. Then again, neither is Anthony or Stoudemire.

The closest they've had to a true superstar in recent memory is Patrick Ewing, but let's face it-he had his limitations. Number 1, he was a big man, and unless you have an outsized personality to go along with the height, people just aren't going to embrace you all that hard. Second, he never won a championship. Third, he had an unfortunate jaw line that was never going to see him land on the cover of GQ magazine.

So we are back to a sub-par, below .500 winning percentage team that gives up on defense and looks lost on offense. For some reason, players always seem to lose their spark when they come to New York. The explosiveness, the hops, the quickness-it seems to disappear. I know why. New York City has too many distractions, too many parties, and way too many hookers masquerading as groupies for most athletes to focus exclusively on their game. Who can say no to all that?

By the time a brother gets through even half the pussy that gets thrown his way in the Big Apple, what does he have left in the tank to play ball? Especially when his contract is guaranteed? Where's the incentive? And since they aren't going to fire any of the players, say goodbye to coach Mike D'Antoni, who never got a grip of this team and left his best work back in Phoenix with Steve Nash.

As for Lin, the Tim Tebow comparisons are appropriate. Yes, it's true that Jeremy Lin did invoke the hand of the Lord in his sudden rise, but as we all know, the good Lord giveth, and the good Lord taketh away. I want to give him a bit more time to figure it all out, but would not be surprised if all Lin turns out to be is an over-matched point guard with limited athleticism, unable to stop or even contain the elite point guards in the league.

Divine Intervention, the last bastion of the clueless-
He can't go left and does not understand the pick-and-roll well enough to execute it while under intense defensive pressure. His weaknesses became obvious when the Knicks faced the Miami Heat when the initial honeymoon phase was at a fever pitch. That was the night Linsanity died, and exposed him as an over-hyped rec league overachiever who finally played against some stiff competition and got clobbered because he sucks, like many around the league knew all along.

*Breaking News-Mike D'Antoni resigns by "mutual agreement" as Knicks coach. He is outta here. Let the losing and mediocrity continue.

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Ryan Braun/Bill Cosby Connection...

Braun and Cosby-what could these two disparate cats possibly have in common? On the surface, absolutely nothing. But stay with me and you'll see the correlation. Ryan Braun, left fielder for the Milwaukee Brewers, was a hypodermic needle away from not only getting banned for 50 games for testing positive for elevated levels of testosterone during last year's playoffs, but his National League MVP award was in serious jeopardy until some slick legal maneuvering on the part of his lawyers exonerated him, and his positive sample was overturned on appeal.

"Exonerated" maybe the wrong term. We wouldn't be here if the person who collected the sample did what he was supposed to do and take it directly to a FedEx office. Instead, he kept the sample in his house over the weekend, breaking the all-important chain of custody rule that is tantamount to the integrity of the entire process. Regardless of whether or not it is possible to tamper with a sealed sample (it's virtually impossible) is besides the point. There is also the faulty logic on the part of the sample collector that it didn't matter whether or not the sample was sent or kept in the collector's home because it would not have been shipped by FedEx until Monday morning due to the hour in which it was collected, a Friday evening when he alleged that he thought at that time of night all FedEx offices were closed.

None of that matters, because once you break the chain of custody, the results of the sample are voided. That is how Braun managed to weasel out of this shitstorm. If it stopped there it would have blown over with nary a peep of national scrutiny. But it got worse because he decided to "speak out and set the record straight". Only he didn't. He just made it worse.

Braun went on to hold one of the most arrogant, self-aggrandizing press conferences I've ever seen. He called the media to hold court over a whole slew of issues like questioning the integrity of the collector who his camp has vaguely accused of tampering with the sample and the "fact" that there is no way he could have been on a steroid regimen because he never bulked up. It all added up to Braun taking umbrage at having his integrity and character questioned, since he's such a nice guy and has done for much for the game. We've heard this type of self-serving crap before, but the science tells another story.

Ryan Braun failed two tests. The first one was for an elevated testosterone/epitestosterone ratio. In healthy adult males the normal ratio is usually 1:1. A ratio of 4:1 or over trips the test. Rumor has it Braun's ratio was closer to 20:1. That is a huge disparity. The second test he failed was the carbon isotope test, which examines whether the testosterone is natural or synthetic. Even if the testosterone is synthetic, it still must go through the body's metabolic process, meaning one cannot just spike a sample and it will automatically test positive. One can tell whether the sample was spiked or not because the artificial substance would not have gone through the individual's system.

What does this have to do with Bill Cosby? Cosby's been famous these last few years not for his comedy, Fat Albert or his ridiculously bad dancing, but for taking the "personal responsibility" cake and throwing it at the black community, whom he faults for gratuitous breeding, lack of education, and overall family dysfunction. Well well, Bill. How he morphed from a black guy from Philadelphia to a crotchety old white man from the South is as remarkable a transformation as the one by Michael Jackson, who went from a good-looking black kid into an old, disgustingly disfigured white woman with dark blue hair and a nose that shrunk right into his skull.

"Dollar" Bill Cosby, while on his tirade of righteousness, conveniently forgot to regale us about the skeletons in his own closet. He was the victim of an extortion attempt to the tune of $40 million dollars by one of the kids he had out of wedlock, a child he never publicly acknowledged as being his. She got busted and spent time in jail, an obvious mental case who we can only assume was missing a strong male figure in her life, if only to hand her Jello Pudding Pops while she did her homework.

It's true he paid for her education, but decided it wouldn't be good for his image as "America's Favorite Dad" during his run as Señor Huxtable on that jive-ass sit-com that made him so much money in the 1980's, to have the world know that he was a philandering fucker, no better than any of the inner city losers he currently loves berating.

He also settled out of court in late 2006 a little situation where he was accused of drugging a woman and raping her in 2004. The suit alleges that there are thirteen (count 'em-THIRTEEN) others he has allegedly assaulted in the same fashion. Some of them wound up becoming girlfriends even after the assaults took place, and some of the incidents date back to the 1980's (can you say "Statute of Limitations"?), much to the chagrin of his long-suffering wife Camille. His salacious MO amounts to putting something in the unsuspecting woman's drink and then proceeding to sexually assault them when they pass out. Funny, even the biggest ghetto pimp doesn't resort to this type of hooliganism to catch his hoes. Maybe instead of being a rapist, Cosby could learn a thing or two from the very cats he spends so much time lambasting. Here's a little taste of the shenanigans from the hypocritical "House of Cosby"-

"The allegations came out after Cosby settled out of court last month a civil lawsuit charging him with sexual assault and drugging a woman in Philadelphia in 2004.

The trial had 13 witnesses lined up, listed as “Jane Does,” who stood ready to testify of similar experiences with the comic.

Barbara Bowman and Beth Ferrier were two of the 13, and both were interviewed and pictured in the People story. The two were represented by JF Images when they were introduced to Cosby in the ’80s. (Neither woman had come forward before, and they do not stand to profit from the allegations as the statute of limitations has expired, according to People.)

Bowman, who is married and now lives in a Phoenix suburb, was 18 when she says Farrell arranged to have her meet Cosby at a Denver nightclub, Turn of the Century. People magazine says Farrell then arranged for Bowman to move to New York, where her professional relationship with Cosby continued. Bowman says that in a Reno hotel in 1986, “(Cosby) took my hand and his hand over it, and he masturbated with his hand over my hand.”

She goes on to say that soon she was in a New York townhouse with Cosby, who gave her a glass of red wine. “The next thing I know,” she is quoted, “I’m sick and nauseous and I’m delusional and I’m limp and … I can’t think straight. … And I just came to, and I’m wearing a (men’s) T-shirt that wasn’t mine, and he was in a white robe.”

Ferrier, a single mom who still lives in Denver, says she was introduced to Cosby by Farrell in the mid-’80s. She tells People that Cosby was her mentor, a “father figure” to her, when she drank some cappuccino in his Denver dressing room and blacked out.

“I woke up in my car in the parking lot with my clothes all a mess,” she tells People. “I was definitely drugged. All I had to drink was coffee, and the room was spinning. Then I wake up with my clothes a mess and my bra unhooked. I wondered, I still wonder, ‘What did he do with me? Why was my bra unhooked? What happened?”‘

Ferrier went on to have an “on-and-off” consensual affair with Cosby for several years.

Ryan Braun and Bill Cosby, paragons of virtue in their respective fields. Except they're not. They're both as full of shit as could possibly be. Let's break it down for a second-

Say I'm a young man living in poverty in any inner city in the US. I'm supposed to be harangued on the virtues of personal responsibility from someone who is a serial rapist and aggravated assaulter who has kids out of wedlock that he refuses to publicly acknowledge? Any irony in this, or is it just me? Also, why would Bill Cosby, a man famous the world over with almost unlimited resources, resort to the type of lowbrow predatory behavior that even some of his more unfortunate ghetto brethren would never consider?

As for Ryan Braun, he fucked up the other day by telling the press, instead of keeping his mouth shut like Manny Ramirez and promising to "move forward", that he told his teammates the real story, so anything that anyone in the media says doesn't matter because "they (his teammates) know the real truth". This is the "truth" he defiantly left for others to conjecture about. But that didn't stop him from coming out and defending his character as virtuous and spotless of any transgression against the game he has been obviously cheating for who knows how long.

Steroid use in baseball has changed, it hasn't gone away. No longer are the public going to be hoodwinked into thinking that gaining 35 pounds of muscle during the off-season is legitimate. Steroid use is about, more than anything else, recovery. After a long season of grueling travel, double-headers and the playoffs which practically go into December, it is inevitable that players will still be out there looking for an edge. For Ryan Braun to be so duplicitous and cynical as to think that getting off on a technicality exonerates him from any suspicion is par for the course for spoiled, entitled assholes like he and Bill Cosby.

Don't tell the truth, because it's more important to either settle out of court or sweep the situation under the rug. This is what these two dickheads stand for. Someone please pass me some tranquilizers and a vial of testosterone, I think I want to be just like them.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A New Low for "The Walking Dead"...

It took way too long, but we have another casualty for our hapless crew of survivors to over-analyze. Dale was our resident shaman, moral compass, and elder statesman. He was a respected figure all throughout Season 1 but this season the writers decided to turn him into a stupid, useless old man. He only came to the fore when some righteous browbeating had be done. His look of perpetually constipated outrage as the other characters began losing it became grating, and I cannot help to think the director did this on purpose to make us so sick of him that he wouldn't be missed.

Wrong. The plot twists are becoming more hackneyed and contrived as the show stumbles forward on the fumes from it's incredible inaugural season. I will break down the issues right here-

1) Merle's disappearance has taken too long to get resolved. He escaped after being left on the rooftop, and the clues left behind were excellent, if not unsettling-he had to cut his own hand off to get out of the handcuffs, he grilled the wound to stop the bleeding, and may have stolen the truck the crew used to drive back to get him. After that he has only reappeared in his brother's daytime nightmares.

2) The tension between Rick Shane and is played out, and their pathetic fight cemented it's woeful contrivance. Overemphasizing their cruddy dynamic is way too much of a cop-out, even now that they're buddies again. No way does Shane's supposed "love" for Lori make any sense. She is the one character many fans of the show want to see eaten alive. Every time she appears the shrill factor goes through the roof. Enough with this bitch. And what the fuck is it about the Grimes nuclear family that everyone suffers loss except for them?

3) Speaking of marginalization, AMC decided to scrap some of the original creative voices to go with hack writers who are in charge of individual episodes. This has become obvious with the lack of continuity and character development. Some really interesting characters have been left twisting in the wind. And can Hollywood, for all it's supposed liberal bias, get off it's relentless obsession with giving black characters absolutely no love?

4) The scene where Dale gets killed had to be one of the worst scenes ever scripted. It will represent the tipping point where it all went downhill, never to recover.

a) Someone explain to me how, in an open field, a zombie can chomp down on a cow and no one hears it's death throes from the quiet confines of Neverland Ranch.

b) You mean to tell me Hershel has to go out and chase these animals every morning after their daily escape attempts, but they can't run away from a slow-as-molasses zombie or make enough noise to alert everyone that the low-tech security fence has been breached?

c) How the fuck out of nowhere does this zombie sneak up on Dale, as if it were hiding behind a tree? What fucking tree? They were in an open field!!!

d) Anyone else with a hideously deformed walker on top of him would struggle to get out of it's clutch and not just glare at it in an attempt to bore it to death. No. Dale lets this monster drool all over him as he gets disemboweled. Fucking lame-ass, and an insult to the viewers who have been more than patient and loyal up to this point.

5) The plot and character development was more dynamic when the crew was on the run. Throughout the fast-paced mayhem of Season 1, all the characters got a chance to shine. Now that they're stuck on Hershel's farm, everything has stagnated. Dale, T-Dogg and Andrea are mere appendages that appear onscreen as an afterthought. Before, they were actively involved in their own survival. Now they've had to take a back seat to the lovelorn triangle that has everyone thinking the guys killed at the bar were more interesting than these cracker-ass yokels.

6) The new kid on the block is more trouble than he's worth. He's been a crashing bore ever since he got impaled on that fence. No one relates to him and no one cares what happens to him. Besides, there are so many problems facing the crew they didn't need to throw this obnoxious prick into the mix to cause more unnecessary drama.

7) From next week's previews, the characters are attempting to stock up on supplies for the winter and they will be stuck on the farm. Two mistakes-

a) They've done nothing to barricade the windows and doors, relying on lookouts who work in shifts. Just as Dale how that worked out.

b) Hershel is planning on using the basement as a fallout shelter of last resort instead of the attic. In a zombie apocalypse, you can always get down from above. Escaping from below? Again, failure to consider the parameters of what's possible from the Zombie Apocalypse Guidebook will be their undoing.

8) We need to know already what exactly it was that the crazed doctor form the CDC whispered in Rick's ear before blowing himself up.

9) This last one may be too much, seeing how dismissive the show is towards its' black characters, but what was the fate of the black guy and his son from the very beginning of Season 1? 

AMC, you officially suck. Way to turn a good series with great potential into hackneyed, regurgitated swill.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Snooki is Pregnant...

It turns out that Snooki from the reality series/rectal sludgefest "Jersey Shore" is engaged and pregnant. This news is about as harrowing to the rest of civilized society as Iran obtaining nuclear weapons and hiring the Iron Sheik to man the controls. Just imagine for one moment, a young lady who's spent most of her useless life binge-drinking, serial fucking complete strangers, and contracting multiple urinary tract infections with apparent glee. Her life revolves around perpetuating the persona of a wacked-out carnival sideshow freak, captured for posterity on TV. This time the freak isn't some lady with a beard, or a midget born with no limbs crawling around on the floor performing tricks like in the circuses of yore.

No, this freak is frighteningly like other impressionable, insecure young ladies who see the attention, fame and money Snooki has garnered ever since she stalked out of the wilds of Poughkeepsie, New York like some rampaging, Special-Ed Bigfoot, hell-bent on exploiting every shortcut and loophole there is to stardom, with absolutely no talent and an ingratiating personality that calls out for a mercy death. She needs to be put down once and for all. Not for her sake, but for ours.

Not only is this not happening, but MTV is filming, as we speak, a spin-off series in Jersey City with Snooki and her only slightly less annoying friend J-Woww. We are going to be subjected to more of this fat cow's blood-curdling, cringe-inducing shrieks for attention, except the show's producers are at a loss as to how to fit cigarette smoking, fetal alcohol syndrome and bulimia into this twisted scenario of irresponsible, out-of-wedlock motherhood.

In the "Jersey Shore", every despicable, anti-social personality trait Freud ever dreamed up is propped up as a virtue, on display and for all to envy. This is a world bereft of shame, where bodily functions are a topic of conversation that MUST be televised. Snooki peeing on herself at a club isn't grotesque, it's just "Snooki being Snooki". Snooki belching, farting and exposing her combination vagina/anus in a public club (because in the world of Jersey Shore voyeurism, ya can't have one without the other) falls into the same category, which is why her best friend J-Woww scolds her boyfriend for having the audacity to get upset. The logic here is, he knew what he was getting into and has no right to complain or expect his woman to act like a lady. 

Snooki's unfortunate boyfriend exhibiting some semblance of shame at the antics of his surrealistically unhinged girlfriend is an anathema to the whole premise of the show. J-Woww, in an increasingly retarded attempt to appear as some sort of avuncular sage (replete with the worst boob-job in the history of trailer park chic) states unironically that Snooki deserves someone who "won't try to change her". As if change were the worst thing that could ever happen to this two-legged septic tank.

Jionni must of have been aware of Snooki's on-air persona way before they hooked up. Yet even with all of her botchulisitc behavior, he not only decided to make her his girlfriend, he was having unprotected sex with her while sending her off to the Jersey Shore, a petri dish of venereal diseases that makes Ancient Rome look like a monastery. What the fuck is up with this moron? Is money and fame so important for these Guido freaks that dignity and self-respect is so casually dismissed as long as they're on television?  Are there no lines these rabid, disease-ridden baboons won't cross?

Imagine for a second the radiation released into the atmosphere from the Chernobyl nuclear reactor accident. The surrounding area in Ukraine is uninhabitable for practically the next 50,00 years. It has become one gigantic, abandoned theme park dedicated to the ineptitude of man's inability to harness something so powerful and potentially life-threatening. In other words, this is how you fuck something up big-time.

Then consider the toxic porridge that consists of Snooki's daily beauty regimen and you will see the similarities-spray tanning, body spray, hair extensions from dead Chinese slave laborers, hair spray, makeup, and scented vaginal spray (if your snatch doesn't smell like the Jersey Turnpike, you ain't doin' it right!!!). Throw in a diet consisting of Ron-Ron Juice (steroids, whiskey and protein powder), take-out pizza and pickles and you'll have Jack Lalanne throwing his juicer out the window in disgust. 

Mix this concoction up Jersey-style, which means not in a blender but by gratuitously falling on the floor whenever a camera is on you to make up for the fact you've got nothing new, exiting or remotely humorous to say, which is every five minutes. This is what this poor child living inside Snooki's snatchpit is being nourished with. All while being singed to a crisp from her double-time tanning salon sessions. Add her boyfriend Jionni's obvious steroid abuse and you have serious genetic troubles brewing for this unborn child.

Conveniently, none of this matters. Snooki's psyche can only be compared to sticking one's head in the hole of a third world outhouse. It is dark, crawling with unidentified vermin that Charles Darwin would be at a loss to categorize, and it stinks. And to think she had successfully marginalized herself by behaving like the drunken, promiscuous oaf she is from the moment she stormed into the Shore house and announced "Party's Here!!! Wooooh!!!" to a bunch of seriously jaded, arrogant and unimpressed cast members. This would have been her chance to self-correct her abysmal behavior, but as it happens all too often in life, she found her dysfunctional niche and rode it into the sunset.

She was Season 1's outcast and was actually considering going back home in a defeated, lumpen heap until she got punched in the face by the gym teacher while sucking down mad shots of booze. Suddenly she morphed into everyone's cute little cunt muffin, and the sympathy she derived from this attack was the catalyst for her comeback. Everyone suddenly rallied around her, and now we are stuck with this bloated, perpetually vaginally-yeast infected Guido warthog. How unfortunate for us. We almost dodged a bullet there, yet it remained squarely on-target and we are here now having to deal with the consequences.

The mantra for having to deal with shit like this used to be, "You can't stop her, you can only hope to contain her". Snooki's fifteen minutes were due to phase out this year, now that the latest episodes of "Jersey Shore" are peetering out with the painful and boring end to a horrible show that USED to be entertaining. Now this latest twist. But no one is ready for Snooki the mother. The reason why she's so popular is because she represents the bottom end of the personality disorders many viewers wish they had the courage to unleash on the world but cannot, because society has rules when there is no one around to applaud the lunacy.

The overriding principle of the "Jersey Shore" lifestyle is the casual dismissal of one sex partner after another like they were display window mannequins made out of human flesh. Nothing moves forward or backwards without this dynamic in place. The show does us the favor of exposing Guido culture for what it is-filthy white trash with too much money and not enough pride to behave like the cultured, educated and talented people they claim to represent. There is nothing uplifting about the message this show sends out, and it's an outrage that these cretins devolved from the same country that gave us Michelangelo and da Vinci. Somewhere in Hell, Benito Mussolini is saying "Y'all should have kept me on. This would have never happened"-

This type of behavior is what passes for engaging personality traits, because being thoughtful and intelligent would be too much work. Snooki is imbued with enough self-awareness to realize what the formula is to TV reality royalty. To get what you want without working, you need to act like a jag-off in front of the cameras. The world will notice and yes, ye too shall be paid. We created this horrid beast by paying attention to every drunken fall, every lame-ass hook-up and break-up, and every sound emanating from her rotting orifices as if something were truly funny about a twenty-something behaving like a mental patient with a weekend pass to the beach. And every time we pay attention, American pop culture loses a little bit of its' soul. How the fuck we went from "The Osmonds" to "The Guidos" is beyond me, but here we are.

I'll leave the last word to a reader of London's "The Daily Mail", who put the whole situation in its' proper context-

"She's trash, and she should be sterilized. You need a license to own a gun, you should also need a license to breed. Is it only the fat, stupid pigs that reproduce these days?"