Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Cycle of Bullshit...

1) The Most Tested Athlete in the World-

This what I like to refer to as a "rectum derived statistic". Why? Because whoever came up with it pulled it right out of his ass. Here are the official numbers that beg further research. The actual numbers clearly contradict this ridiculous claim that no one from Lance Armstrong's camp has ever been able to substantiate. For verification, we would need the number of tests done for ALL the other top cyclists. But that is the MO of the Armstrong camp-make vague, bombastic statements that their fanboys slurp up like chum and then call anyone a hater for having the audacity to question their bullshit.

(I got this information from a post on the Weightweenies site. I would like to thank the poster named "icebreaker" for looking into this matter and getting some hard numbers out there for all to see)

"This is Lances' testing history from 1999 to 2004, as published in L'Equipe in 2005-these numbers are the total number for each year, not just the Tour de France.

1999: 15 urine tests

2000: 12 urine tests
2001: 10 urine tests
2002: 9 urine tests
2003: 9 urine tests
2004: 8 urine tests and 1 blood test for the detection of hemoglobin synthesis.

UCI controls from 1999 to 2004 in total = 63. or 10.5 per year.

You think that is more tests than people who were riding a full year's program, and winning or placing - people like McEwen for instance.

63 tests in 5 years."

Keep in mind that for all intent and purposes Armstrong stopped riding after July almost every single year after he won his first Tour in 1999. The cycling season goes on until October. Top riders who race all year get tested WAY more than this, given that during a stage race like the Tour the leader usually gets tested daily, as does the winner of each daily stage. He didn't seem to get tested all that much for someone who won as many stages and for the number of days he rode as the leader at the Tour.

2) Armstrong Never Tested Positive-

Those tests in section 1 above were all urine tests. With no blood testing, which is much more precise and thorough it's as if he was never tested at all, because everyone knows that those urine tests administered by the UCI are a joke. You really have to have a bad doctor or team director to fail one of these. So the point is moot.

Here is a list of riders who have podiumed alongside Armstrong in each of his 7 Tour wins along with their situations regarding PED's-this list comes courtesy of poster "Johnny Rad", also of the Weightweenies site-

1999, GC
1. Lance Armstrong
2. Alex Zülle-admitted doper; suspended/Festina Scandal of 1998
3. Fernando Escartín-Rode for infamous Kelme Squad, but never implicated

2000, GC
1. Lance Armstrong
2. Jan Ullrich-alleged doper; suspended/retired (Alleged ties to Operation Puerto)
3. Joseba Beloki-alleged doper; Once Squad (Manolo Saiz, director sportif at the heart of the Operation Puerto Scandal)

2001, GC
1. Lance Armstrong
2. Jan Ullrich-alleged doper; suspended/retired
3. Joseba Beloki-alleged doper;

2002, GC
1. Lance Armstrong
2. Joseba Beloki-alleged doper;
3. Raimondas Rumšas-alleged doper; suspended (His story deserves a post all to itself)

2003, GC
1. Lance Armstrong
2. Jan Ullrich-alleged doper; suspended/retired
3. Alexander Vinokourov - alleged doper; suspended (transfusion of another person's blood)

2004, GC
1. Lance Armstrong
2. Andreas Klöden-alleged doper (Freiburg Clinic Scandal)
3. Ivan Basso-alleged doper; implicated and suspended (Operation Puerto)

2005, GC
1. Lance Armstrong
2. Ivan Basso-alleged doper; suspended (Operation Puerto)
3. Jan Ullrich-alleged doper; suspended/retired (Operation Puerto)

Somehow, Armstrong was able to dominate every single Tour from 1999 to 2005 without ever being seriously challenged, by riders who all had clouds of suspicion over their heads. So for the sake of arguing, let's just say most of them were doping while they raced against him. And he was able to beat them handily while riding clean.

Does any sane person believe this? Give me a fucking break already. That is not humanly possible. It is physiologically impossible to pull something like that off.

Curiously enough, when some of his urine samples for the 1999 Tour were retroactively tested, six of them came up positive for EPO. He of course came out with the usual denials, blaming unreliable chain of custody of said samples, mishandling/improper storage, a French conspiracy, etc. But there it is. Of course, the Armstrong Tifosi will hear none of it, screeching about the country's collective bitterness at needing the United States save them from the clutches of Nazi Germany in WWII. Yes, folks-this is how it's been described on some of the cycling forums. I swear if Einstein could have come up with a formula to measure the quantum expansion of stupidity, he'd have to re-write it after reading some of these explanations.

3) Cycling has the most intensive anti-doping program in pro sports-

What this latest revelation tells us is that testing in pro cycling is an absolute joke. Floyd Landis stated that he doped throughout his whole career and got caught for a substance he wasn't even taking at the time. This part I don't believe, but right now it's beside the point. The point is, as much as cycling pays lip service to their supposedly tough anti-doping measures, a rider who can pony up the requisite cash has access to the expertise necessary to circumvent the tests.

Ricardo Ricco, the disgraced Italian rider who recently finished serving a two-year ban for the new generation EPO drug CERA said exactly the same thing. When he confessed, he said with all the times he used the drug it was a surprise to him that he wasn't caught earlier.

Here is an excerpt from the New York Times article entitled "Cyclists Find New Way to Use Old Doping Tool"-

"In a research paper published five years ago, Michael Ashenden, a prominent Australian exercise physiologist and a scientific adviser to the cycling union, and scientists at the University of Montpellier in France injected two athletes with EPO. Ashenden said it took only about a week for the laboratory in France to devise a dosing program that escaped detection, assuming that athletes are not required to provide samples in the middle of the night.

The biological passport, which cycling introduced two and a half years ago, attempts to overcome problems with conventional tests by analyzing blood samples of athletes regularly for signs of unnatural, long-term patterns that indicate manipulation.

Ashenden and the French researchers have recently repeated their earlier experiments. Somewhat to their surprise, they found that the bodies of the test subjects adapted in a way that hides microdosing from the passport program. For various practical reasons, the passport tests measure only the concentration of red cells in athletes’ blood, not the total amount of red cells in their bodies.

Microdosing, however, appears to increase users’ blood volumes significantly. So although EPO raises users’ overall red blood cell level, its concentration stays constant because of the increased blood volume.

The body’s adjustments, Ashenden said, also disguise changes to other markers in the blood that would normally prompt an investigation under the passport program.

Ashenden said that the group also found that athletes could receive the same benefits from EPO with much smaller doses than they used in their first experiments. (To avoid providing a how-to guide, the group has not published its dosage information.)

Despite improvements to the urine test, Ashenden said that microdoses still evaded it, assuming that the samples were not taken from athletes in the middle of the night. Although it is theoretically possible under WADA’s rules for testers to wake up athletes, they have been reluctant to take that step because athletes already complain about the intrusiveness of testing.

“Small injections we previously thought didn’t have a biological impact do work,” Ashenden said."

And how hilarious is it that the one person quote to rebuke this information is none other but Dr. Michele Ferarri, the most notorious doping facilitator in pro cycling-

"Not everyone accepts the researchers’ conclusions. Among them is Michele Ferrari, the controversial Italian sports medicine doctor whose clients have included Armstrong. “It’s a bit like playing Russian roulette,” Ferrari said in an e-mail exchange. “There is absolutely no microdose that can be taken without the risk of getting detected by out of competition controls within a 12-hour window.”

Now how would our good friend know this if he wasn't an astute practitioner of the fine art of EPO administration for use as an athletic performance enhancer? Hmmm...

Inquiring minds wanna know, doctor.

I want everyone to pay attention to the above photo-it comprises all the Tour de France winners from 1996 to 2006. Every single one of them have either admitted to doping, were caught doping, retired under pressure from doping allegations or are currently under suspicion. One way or another, this has got to stop. Pretending the past doesn't matter, or wishing to sweep it under the rug only means that the perpetrators get a clean slate. They don't deserve a clean slate. They deserve to get hounded until they either fess up, leave the sport or preferably both.

The only people who would make such statements are people who have something to hide about their past. There have been concerted efforts from the aggrieved parties to stimey, genuflect or otherwise cast aspersions elsewhere. The only way this gets cleaned up is when the most powerful and influential people in the sport who have derived great profits from aiding and abetting the cycle of doping to be exposed once and for all. This will only happen if more people step up to the plate and speak their truth.

Floyd Landis finally tells the truth...

Floyd Landis, the disgraced pro cyclist who has the dubious distinction of being the only Tour de France winner to ever have his title stripped for failing a drug test, has recently announced what has been obvious to many who are familiar with the sport-that he used PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs) throughout his whole career.

This revelation in and of itself is not nearly as shocking as what came next. Landis has, in a couple of sentences, rocked the pro cycling establishment with his claim that while riding for the US Postal team from 2002-2004 there was an organized conspiracy to dope, and that the whole machinery was orchestrated by Lance Armstrong and implemented by the director sportif of the team, Johan Bruyneel.

I'm not going to rehash the bullshit that's been regurgitated by the various camps on this matter. UCI president "Fat" Pat McQuaid was demonstrably vociferous in his dismissal of Landis as a rogue character who has an agenda to destroy cycling. Armstrong accused Landis of extortion and posted emails from Floyd and some doctor associated with Landis as proof. Other riders and team directors made it a point that cycling should "move forward" from all this and forget the past.

These are the exhortations of people deeply entrenched in a corrupt system who, while paying lip service to the notion of a cleaner sport, are all scared of the 800-pound gorilla in the room-Lance Armstrong, who by the way not only represents a tainted past but his influence is one that could very well shape the future of the sport. If the allegations are cooberated by others with eyewitness testimony, better to rid pro cycling of Armstrong NOW before he poisons another generation of riders who all want to grow up and be just like him and will no doubt adopt the same measures he did on the way to becoming the kingpin of pro cycling.

These accusations could very well go down as the ravings of a lunatic, and let's face it-Landis has more then his share of credibility issues. From fighting his positive doping test, to writing a book proclaiming his innocence, to soliciting and accepting funds from fans to help counter the costs of his legal defense (which was estimated at around $2 million dollars), to the absolutely despicable phone call to Greg Lemond by his then-manager Will Geoghegan ridiculing Greg about the abuse he suffered as a child, to the French Authorities putting a warrant out for his arrest for computer hacking into a French anti-doping lab.

Many serious issues to set aside if one is willing to give these latest allegations any credence. And from reading the various cycling forums, Landis has already been convicted and hanged in the court of public opinion. But Landis may have people who, willingly or not, may be forced to give testimony to the shenanigans during Armstrong's reign as Tour champion. The USADA has procured the services of one federal agent Jeff Novitsky, he of the BALCO investigation, and according to an article in the London Sunday Times Davis Walsh has reported that one of the people who has agreed to cooperate is Lance Armstrong's ex-wife Kirsten.

This little detail adds a whole new twist to this tale. Right now we have no idea what she'll reveal, if anything. Certain former teammates who currently make their living off cycling are not going to be able to brush this aside if Mr. Novitsky comes knocking on their door. I understand their position. When your livelihood is on the line, the first thing you think about is your family. The second thing you think of is your own scrawny neck on the line.

There is a lot of conjecture out there in cyberspace over what may happen. Right now everything is quiet, and the only ones making noise and squirming like water rats are the ones who've been implicated. Ireland's Fat Pat McQuaid, the residing King Nutria of the UCI, cycling's governing body, has said that it was a mistake taking the "donation" from Lance Armstrong, which is proving to be a problematic little detail in and of itself. Was it $100,000 like he has recently stated, or was it the $500,000 as originally reported? Fat Pat also doesn't know exactly what happened to the "change" left over after allegedly using the money to purchase an apparatus for dope testing that cost $88,000. What happened to the leftover funds, Pat? That type of money certainly does buy a lot of corned beef and cabbage eh, you fat fuck?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Gotta Go to Mo's...

If you're shopping for athletic training gear, you gotta go to Mo's. This sporting goods store has been around forever, and they're a staple in every inner city neighborhood here in NYC. In the past, they've had some unfortunate floor spacing issues that made browsing an impossibility, and most of their clothing was straight-up garbage, the type of ill-fitting, low quality crap you'd find at a typical ghetto discount store, where the clothing is thrown haphazardly into huge bins.

But recently there's been a change. I have to give it to this store for evolving with the times. I stepped into their Fordham Road store in the Bronx and was extremely pleased with what I saw. Employees actually approaching customers, much more floor space devoted to walking around the clothing racks as opposed to everything being crowded, and separate clothing lines in their devoted floor space.

And the quality of the stuff they sell has definitely gone up several notches. Don't get me wrong, they still have to cater to the public assistance crowd and there is no shortage of inexpensive, cheaply manufactured clothing (hey, you can't expect the children of Section 8 housing subsidies to walk around naked now, do you?), but now they carry product lines from Under Armour, Adidas and Nike. And not their bullshit lines either, but the real thing.

For anyone wondering, the 'hood is the best place to seek out those bargains when it comes to basketball/running/training apparel. That's nothing new. But the difference now is you can get the same athletic gear ou'd find at the Sports Authority, Paragon or Macy's in downtown Manhattan for a little bit less. Plus, there is the added incentive for any red-blooded American male of loitering on the corner of Grand Concourse and Fordham Road and watching some of the most beautiful Puerto-Rican girls in the city walking around shopping with their friends and family. I'm telling you, this shopping district rivals Castle Hill and Washington Heights for stunning young latinas.

But I digress. Where were we? Oh yeah, Modell's. It's been my experience that while they don't carry EVERY item from a particular sports clothing line, they do offer some nice stuff. Let's face it, there are certain items that just won't sell in the hood due to cost. That's the reality, and sometimes you'll have no choice but to go downtown and pay those bullshit full retail prices if there is a particular item you need that Modell's doesn't stock.

And there is always the internet, but it's not always what it's cracked up to be. For example, I found the Adidas TG basketball shorts on sale for $12.50. That is a hell of a price for such high-quality gear. Try finding such prices anywhere else in the city. Such sale items are not advertised on the internet, so you actually have to go outside on occasion and step into a store to see what's happening.

Two things-one, you won't find everything on sale at close-out prices, but if you're patient and look around hard enough you'll find something at a great price. Nothing wrong with a $5.00 discount on an item like a workout t-shirt, especially if you are looking to buy more than one.

Two, there are Modell's all over the city, so you don't necessarily have to go to the 'hood if you're a fraidy cat. But don't be scared. Head uptown and walk around the other shops in the area, have a slice of pizza and stare at the insanely gorgeous latinas. Fordham Road is safe during business hours for even the biggest chicken-shit motherfucker. Some of these women look as if they've been genetically enhanced, so for me a shopping trip to Modell's is a no-brainer.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Babe of the Week for May 14, 2010 is...

Candice Boucher!!!

Want something pretty to look at? Here she is!!! Candice appears in a spread for the April 2010 issue of Playboy, and she is simply too much. To say she loooks mahvelous, dahling-absolutely mahvelous!!! is the understatement of the year.

This amazing looking goddess is a 27 year-old fashion model from South Africa-thank you Nelson Mandela for sending her over to us here in the states!!! She is the current "IT" girl for Guess? jeans. I guess that was a great move on their part.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Where will Lebron land?

Now that Cleveland has been unceremoniously bumped from the playoffs yet again, the speculation is rampant about where Lebron James will land once the free agent feeding frenzy begins. We here at "Busting Chops" have it all figured out.

There is only one team James can go to if he wants a ring, and that's Boston. Here is why-

1) The Knicks suck, and even if they add Wade or Bosh, they have no one else on that team worth playing with. They will also be at the salary cap limit yet again if they sign two max contract players. So adding other players, like the point guard they desperately need, will be out of the question. And please, Chris Dujon is marginally better than your average D-League desperado-he couldn't lead a crackhead to his pipe, much less be the floor general for a championship team.

2) Chicago-in a word, "NO". Joachim Noah is a serviceable big man, a high energy-type who suffers from a lack of coordination and a poor offensive game. What he lacks in talent he makes up for in hustle, and he has a lot of hustle. He is no better than any of Cleveland's current big men, just a tad bit younger. He's an overachiever who has maxed out his potential. Derrick Rose is a great point guard, but he is basically a smaller version of Lebron. Two guys with the same type of game on the same team won't work. Anyone else on that squad worth mentioning? No, not after they traded 50% of their offensive production to clear salary cap space. And their coaching situation is precarious at best. There doesn't seem to be much stability in that front office, which quite a number of times has resembled an MMA cage.

3) The Clippers are such a poorly-run franchise that even with their solid group of players, Los Angeles would not be a good move for him. And with Baron Davis, you never know what you're going to get-too many times he's shown up fat, injured and unmotivated. And their coach is...who, exactly?

4) Miami-they have two guys who cannot play their positions well enough to help them in the playoff hunt-Beasley and Chalmers. "Nuff Said.

5) Jay Z better go swallow a chill pill and wash it down with some Moet, or whatever high rolling rap moguls drink nowadays because James is not going to Jersey. Think the Knicks suck? These clowns are their lower case brethren. Brook Lopez is a solid big man in the mold of Jon Konkack, except he lacks Konkacks' sublime versatility and offensive nimbleness (that's sarcasm, just in case you missed it). He is worse than any big man Cleveland has right now, and the rest of his teammates do not bear mentioning. Forget Brooklyn, forget playing with point guard Devin Harris, forget the Russian billionaire whoremonger owner. The Nets have no future as a championship squad. I've seen this team play live-they are actually worse than their record indicates and their upside is severely overrated.

This leaves us with...

The Celtics will probably not resign Ray Allen, so there may be a spot for Lebron on a team where he does not need to be "The Man" every night. With a great core group of highly motivated and seasoned ballers, adding James will allow this hard-working, talented but aging roster to add 2 more years of championship caliber basketball to their resumes.

This all changes if he wants max money, which the Celtics cannot give him due to their salary cap issues. He makes enough money off endorsements so that his NBA salary should not be an issue. But a max contract on any other team will put him right back where he started with Cleveland-on a team too capped out to add the necessary pieces to make a run in the playoffs.

So he has a choice-go for the big money and endorsement opportunities in NYC, Miami or Chicago, becoming the global icon he already is and making his dream of being the first billionaire athlete come true, or he can cement his legacy with a couple of championships in Boston. He can take a pay cut for two years to get this done.

Any other move would just be a crab dribble down the lane of mediocrity.

Now, if he stays in Cleveland, they need to start moving their asses. First order of business should be the firing of coach Mike Brown. Get him outta there. That should be priority number one on their to-do list.

Second, now that O'Neil and Ilgauskas are free agents, they need to be shown the door. A sign-and-trade with Ilgauskas so they can get a quality player out of the deal would be a good move. They can't do that with O'Neil because no one wants his fat ass.

Third, start trading players. Antawn Jamison-OUT. Booby Gibson-OUT. Leon Powe-OUT. I would keep Telfair to see if he can run the point-he still is a relatively young player in the league and has not burned himself out. Besides, I like his game. He is a true pass-first point guard with speed and quickness that is hard to come by nowadays.

It's about time Telfair takes his melon-sized head out of his ass and realize that all of those idiots who told him how great he was in high school fucked him over, because he really should have gone to college to work on his game. Those are years he will never get back and it has hurt his development tremendously. But I believe there is still hope for him.

Lebron can carry a team only so far, and bottom line is the Lakers are stacked for the foreseeable future. James cannot go to any other team that can put the requisite talent on the floor to take them on except for Boston. And that's if they can get past the Orlando Magic, who have done nothing since last year except get better.

Lebron will make his money, and retire as the billionare global marketing icon that he always wanted to be. He will also be in a tremendous position to own an NBA franchise once he retires. Bt putting together a championship contender in the East, with all those teams in the West getting better and better, he may have to think outside the box on this one.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Frank Frazetta (Feb. 9, 1928-May 10, 2010)

The world of fantasy illustration has lost it's Godfather, the man who has influenced more people in the field than anyone else.

Where to begin with this man? A child prodigy who began his art studies at age 8 at the Brooklyn Academy of Fine Arts, he was encouraged by art teacher Michael Falanga. His mentor passed away before fulfilling his promise to Frank of sending him to Europe to study with the great masters, so off he went to work.

He began in the fledgling field of comic book illustration...

(under construction)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The NBA Playoffs...

Unfortunately for us basketball fans, the two best teams in the playoffs this year, the Atlanta Hawks in the east and the Denver Nuggets in the west, have all the talent in the world and absolutely no heart whatsoever.

Tonight is a perfect example. In the first quarter against the Orlando Magic the game was relatively close. After needlessly taking their first round series against a depleted Milwaukee Bucks squad to six games the Hawks will pull their panties up and start playing. It's not as if they don't have all the talent in the world-their roster reads like an All-Star team, and they have Jamal Crawford (another ex-Knicks player thriving under someone elses' system), the 6th Man of the Year award winner, coming off the bench.

The Hawks wound up getting blown out-BY 43 FUCKING POINTS. A game 1 blowout doesn't mean much-the Lakers got blown out by 49 during the first game of an NBA Finals series against the Celtics back in the '80s and came back to win it. But this ain't the Lakers.

It drives me crazy because I believe Atlanta has more talent than any other team in the Eastern Conference. The Celtics are a year too late to make another run at the Lakers, who are just too strong in their frontcourt and of course, you have Kobe Bryant. Besides, logic dictates that once you win with an aging roster you add one or two younger, more athletic pieces to help you through pivotal stretch runs. With this in mind they run out and sign Rasheed Wallace, who showed everyone how much he wants to win a title by showing up overweight (it is estimated he was anywhere from 35-50 pounds over his usual playing weight when he reported for training camp this year) and has a shadow of his former self.

The Cavaliers are a one-man band, with the addition of Shaquille O'Neil being their most desperate and bogus ploy to show Lebron that they are serious about winning a championship so he won't leave. He is another non-factor in Cleveland's arsenal due to how he has been utilized. And why bring back Ilgauskas if you're not going to play him?

The Magic let go of Rafer Alston and Hedo Turkoglu and replaced them with a then-retired Jason Williams (yes, White Chocolate himself) and Vince Carter, who last year when I saw him playing with the Nets looked like a massive, decrepit Bison one sees in a zoo that stand in the same spot all day because they're just too tired to move. His athleticism was a thing of the past and he, like Michael Jordan towards the end of his career, morphed into a fat jump shooter.

Somehow this re-shuffling worked in Orlando's favor because Williams and Carter came to play. And unlike the Hawks, who I'll bet will go down in in 4 or 5 games, The Magic are the only team that can take on either the Celtics or the Cavs. I don't want to see the Cavs in the Finals-nothing against Lebron, I just think they are overrated and will not be strong enough to beat the Lakers, who are getting an armchair ride into the Finals by playing over-matched opponents.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Film Recommendation of the Week...

Across the Bridge
Release date September 6, 1957.
Running time 1 hour 33 minutes.

Carl Schaffner, a German financier with a British passport (brilliantly played by Rod Steiger) is hunted by Scotland Yard for embezzlement. He has it all figured out until his plan unravels. Heading to Mexico from his NYC office by train, he meets a look-a-like whom he drugs, flings out the window and proceeds to assume the mans' identity. Only thing is, the man survives. Also, the man whose identity he steals is even more notorious than he, wanted in Mexico for murder.

Amidst the corruption, double-dealing and conniving by all parties involved, Schaffner, despite his money, contacts, and knowledge of the law winds up alone and disenfranchised except for the dog belonging to the man whose identity he attempted to steal. Finally taking pity on the poor animal (who follows him everywhere) and realizing it's his only friend left in the world, his attachment to the dog is what leads his undoing.

Too many plot twists to mention here (a good enough reason to watch the film) Rod Steiger is absolutely terrific in the role of this amoral snake. Despite all he has done one feels a bit of sympathy for him at the end. A great film, one that is very underrated and should be considered as one of the best of it's time.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Davis Cup...

No, this has nothing to do with tennis. This award is named after the venerable street thug Larry Davis, a vile punk who made his living robbing drug dealers for their money and stash. In the ghetto hierarchy, there is no vermin lower than this type of character aside from a government informant/snitch.

But I'll go out on a limb and put him even lower than that. The streets, as much as I loathe gangsterism in all it's forms, have a code. The code in all reality means nothing, but something has to be said for maintaining some semblance of order. His lifestyle spoke to a nihilism and anarchy in which no resident, cop, or self-respecting drug dealer could operate in peace. What were the boundaries? Who were friends and who were foes? Everyone, it turns out. And for all the shit this motherfucker pulled, he was convicted only on weapons charges and the murder of a drug dealer.

Every now and them some asshole comes along and makes a complete mockery of the system and is allowed to thrive. Sammy "The Bull" Gravano comes to mind, but the shit he pulled wasn't on the same level as this unhinged lunatic. So the award is aptly named and will be presented on occasion where it is merited. It is for sports figures and other celebrities who do shit they should be fired for, but retain their positions due to deep connections, money or just the fact that we are too stupid and numb to mount any sense of true outrage at the shit these people perpetrate.

1) Tiger Woods

His saga with the hoochies, the car accident that blew the whole thing wide open and the impending divorce is old hat already. What isn't is the sheer hubris of this guy using the voice of his dead father-as a method to achieve grace and atonement?-NO. To sell more golf clubs and to give the illusion of a remorse that does not exist. Never will. He's too full of himself.

So what does he do when he comes back to his first tournament since his wife beat him up? The same exact shit he was doing before-controlling media access, not answering ANY questions, cursing up a storm when shots don't fall his way, and adopting his usual hands-off approach towards the fans. He even showed up for a practice round with two police officers. What a dick.

We don't have the courage to tell this guy he's an asshole. We don't have the courage to stop watching because we are told how great he is by a fawning, obsequious sports media and how transcendent of the sport his accomplishments are. It turns out he's a another in a long line of jive-ass turkeys that no one in their right mind should pay the slightest bit of attention to. I am proud to announce the very first Davis Cup award going to Tiger Woods, the biggest cock since Foghorn Leghorn.

2) Jeff Ireland

This one is a slam-dunk. Under no circumstances is there a reason for any white man to ask a brother if his mother is or was a prostitute. If you don't know where to draw such a distinction then you have no business being employed in a league whose stars are predominantly BLACK. But that's the thing about such people that many would love to deny-they make their money coaching, hiring and developing young black men for their teams, but deep down the resentment is visceral.

A cracker is always going to be a cracker, and no amount of exposure to others races and cultures will cure him of his misguided notions of white supremacy, made even more ridiculous by the fact that blacks in football dominate the majority of the so-called "skill positions", where speed, strength and quickness are at a premium. Any fat slob can play the offensive line. But to rush the line and get to the opposing player's quarterback time and time again? You need both strength AND speed. And if you're mother was a prostitute, I'm fairly certain you don't have much of either. So your next bet is to get a front-office job with an NFL football team.

Why this man still has a job speaks volumes of Bill Parcells. He's is legendary for being a Type-A personality asshole, but as soon as this story leaked, he should have been halfway down the hall to Ireland's office with the pink slip in one hand a a copy of "The Unemployment Handbook for the State of Florida" in the other.

Ah, but it gets worse. A reporter for Sports Illustrated said he obtained information stating the line of questioning was provoked by Dez Bryant himself, who when asked what his father did for a living answered, "My father is a pimp". I'm not going into the rest because it's just too stupid, even for this blog. The bottom line is the Miami Dolphins organization could have put the kibosh on this whole situation by apologizing to Mr. Bryant directly and summarily firing Ireland. But they did neither. People who engage in this type of buffoonery are beyond shame or contrition. Hence the Davis Cup is presented to yet another unrepentant and irreconcilable asshole.

3) Marcellus Wiley

He gets a Davis Cup for having the unmitigated gall to actually DEFEND this practice of degrading interview questions by pro football front office personnel. He used his interview with Bill Parcells when he was playing pro football as a template for condoning this behavior. This is how it went-Parcells was writing on a chalk board when Wiley walked into the room, refused Wiley the courtesy of turning around and shaking his hand. The first interview question? Do you do drugs. In the same breath Parcells had the nerve to say he not only wants to mold great players but also great men. Men with no manners, apparently.

Wiley is a graduate of Columbia University, he should know better. At the very least he should be smart enough to defend his ludricrous position with a bit more intelligence. But it fits in with the Ivy League modus operandi of graduating privileged elites with world-class educations while teaching them absolutely nothing about life. Unfortunately for him he gets a "Gentleman's C" for his debating skills. As you can see from this video from ESPN's "Outside The Lines" his reasoning is totally idiotic-

He is just taking the opposing view just to make a name for himself as a commentator, but it is devoid of anything substantial. There is no way anyone can defend such practices by saying that is just the way these interviews are conducted. Sorry, Marcellus-what you lose in credibility you gain with this prestigious award. You must be engaged in words and deeds that go beyond the pale of mere goonery to win a Davis Cup. You have represented to the fullest with your defense of this method of interviewing pro football players.

Babe of the Week for April 30, 2010 is...


Yes, this sultry Canadian of Indian/Guyanese descent has a very nice voice, a cool solo album and is a main attraction in this year's "Lilleth Fair". She has a very appealing look for those of us who dig dark-skinned women, but her sensual appeal doesn't end there-she is a multi-faceted artist who also writes hit songs for other performers. But what really matters is she loooks mahvelous, dahling, absolutely mahvelous.