Monday, May 3, 2010

The Davis Cup...

No, this has nothing to do with tennis. This award is named after the venerable street thug Larry Davis, a vile punk who made his living robbing drug dealers for their money and stash. In the ghetto hierarchy, there is no vermin lower than this type of character aside from a government informant/snitch.

But I'll go out on a limb and put him even lower than that. The streets, as much as I loathe gangsterism in all it's forms, have a code. The code in all reality means nothing, but something has to be said for maintaining some semblance of order. His lifestyle spoke to a nihilism and anarchy in which no resident, cop, or self-respecting drug dealer could operate in peace. What were the boundaries? Who were friends and who were foes? Everyone, it turns out. And for all the shit this motherfucker pulled, he was convicted only on weapons charges and the murder of a drug dealer.

Every now and them some asshole comes along and makes a complete mockery of the system and is allowed to thrive. Sammy "The Bull" Gravano comes to mind, but the shit he pulled wasn't on the same level as this unhinged lunatic. So the award is aptly named and will be presented on occasion where it is merited. It is for sports figures and other celebrities who do shit they should be fired for, but retain their positions due to deep connections, money or just the fact that we are too stupid and numb to mount any sense of true outrage at the shit these people perpetrate.

1) Tiger Woods

His saga with the hoochies, the car accident that blew the whole thing wide open and the impending divorce is old hat already. What isn't is the sheer hubris of this guy using the voice of his dead father-as a method to achieve grace and atonement?-NO. To sell more golf clubs and to give the illusion of a remorse that does not exist. Never will. He's too full of himself.

So what does he do when he comes back to his first tournament since his wife beat him up? The same exact shit he was doing before-controlling media access, not answering ANY questions, cursing up a storm when shots don't fall his way, and adopting his usual hands-off approach towards the fans. He even showed up for a practice round with two police officers. What a dick.

We don't have the courage to tell this guy he's an asshole. We don't have the courage to stop watching because we are told how great he is by a fawning, obsequious sports media and how transcendent of the sport his accomplishments are. It turns out he's a another in a long line of jive-ass turkeys that no one in their right mind should pay the slightest bit of attention to. I am proud to announce the very first Davis Cup award going to Tiger Woods, the biggest cock since Foghorn Leghorn.

2) Jeff Ireland

This one is a slam-dunk. Under no circumstances is there a reason for any white man to ask a brother if his mother is or was a prostitute. If you don't know where to draw such a distinction then you have no business being employed in a league whose stars are predominantly BLACK. But that's the thing about such people that many would love to deny-they make their money coaching, hiring and developing young black men for their teams, but deep down the resentment is visceral.

A cracker is always going to be a cracker, and no amount of exposure to others races and cultures will cure him of his misguided notions of white supremacy, made even more ridiculous by the fact that blacks in football dominate the majority of the so-called "skill positions", where speed, strength and quickness are at a premium. Any fat slob can play the offensive line. But to rush the line and get to the opposing player's quarterback time and time again? You need both strength AND speed. And if you're mother was a prostitute, I'm fairly certain you don't have much of either. So your next bet is to get a front-office job with an NFL football team.

Why this man still has a job speaks volumes of Bill Parcells. He's is legendary for being a Type-A personality asshole, but as soon as this story leaked, he should have been halfway down the hall to Ireland's office with the pink slip in one hand a a copy of "The Unemployment Handbook for the State of Florida" in the other.

Ah, but it gets worse. A reporter for Sports Illustrated said he obtained information stating the line of questioning was provoked by Dez Bryant himself, who when asked what his father did for a living answered, "My father is a pimp". I'm not going into the rest because it's just too stupid, even for this blog. The bottom line is the Miami Dolphins organization could have put the kibosh on this whole situation by apologizing to Mr. Bryant directly and summarily firing Ireland. But they did neither. People who engage in this type of buffoonery are beyond shame or contrition. Hence the Davis Cup is presented to yet another unrepentant and irreconcilable asshole.

3) Marcellus Wiley

He gets a Davis Cup for having the unmitigated gall to actually DEFEND this practice of degrading interview questions by pro football front office personnel. He used his interview with Bill Parcells when he was playing pro football as a template for condoning this behavior. This is how it went-Parcells was writing on a chalk board when Wiley walked into the room, refused Wiley the courtesy of turning around and shaking his hand. The first interview question? Do you do drugs. In the same breath Parcells had the nerve to say he not only wants to mold great players but also great men. Men with no manners, apparently.

Wiley is a graduate of Columbia University, he should know better. At the very least he should be smart enough to defend his ludricrous position with a bit more intelligence. But it fits in with the Ivy League modus operandi of graduating privileged elites with world-class educations while teaching them absolutely nothing about life. Unfortunately for him he gets a "Gentleman's C" for his debating skills. As you can see from this video from ESPN's "Outside The Lines" his reasoning is totally idiotic-

He is just taking the opposing view just to make a name for himself as a commentator, but it is devoid of anything substantial. There is no way anyone can defend such practices by saying that is just the way these interviews are conducted. Sorry, Marcellus-what you lose in credibility you gain with this prestigious award. You must be engaged in words and deeds that go beyond the pale of mere goonery to win a Davis Cup. You have represented to the fullest with your defense of this method of interviewing pro football players.

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