Saturday, September 18, 2010

"Jersey Shore" jumps the shark...

Everyone has their guilty pleasures, stuff they would never admit in public to enjoying. The MTV reality series "Jersey Shore" is one of them. These former lovable "Guidos and Guidettes" took to the Jersey Shore in their first season and tore shit up. It was a blast. There was a plethora of fights, love affairs, fist-pumping, tanning, laundry and working out. Through it all these representatives of "East Coast Guido Culture", these laughable goons who live to drink, party and "hook up", became the darlings of pop culture. They became the toast of Hollywood, making appearances and getting invites to every red carpet event there is.

They stuck together to get paid what they deserved as one of the highest-rated shows in the history of the MTV network, and it worked. So now onwards to Season two, where the sheen has definitely worn off on these tired Guido clichés. What was once cute and harmless fun has morphed into some seriously mentally warped social tendencies. They have now officially become cartoon characters, fun-house mirror reflections of their empty and pathetic lives. Case in point-

Ronnie and Sammi certainly made a nice couple and seemed devoted to each other. But that changed in Season Two as Ronnie went balls-out to show the world what an emotional primate he is. Turns out this affable Gorilla Juicehead is really an incredibly asinine and creepy individual with serious anger issues towards women. Worst of all, the cat doesn't know how to party. He can't handle his liquor and doesn't know how to hook up with women. He acts like a total idiot when he's at a club.

Sammi, the self-proclaimed "sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" has been exposed as a quivering, pathetic sack of shit with one of the worst cases of low self-esteem this side of Hedda Nussbaum. When the roommates attempt to tell her about Ronnie's cavorting ways, she has the audacity to get mad at THEM to the point where it devolves into a physical altercation with J-Woww. After all that bullshit she goes right back to Ronnie, claiming the drama made their relationship stronger. She looked like a preening jackass walking around the house exclaiming "We're Done!!! That's it!!!" to anyone who would listen every time Ronnie said something grossly insensitive, like calling her a cunt for no reason or saying how she's ruining his life. As if this asshole HAS a life.

Let's get to the ever-tiresome duo of J-Woww and Snooki. Like Ronnie, who is half Puerto-Rican (Lord, he had to be Puerto Rican!!! What did we do to deserve this? Isn't Geraldo Rivera enough?), these two aren't actual Italian Americans. Snooki is Chilean adopted by Italian-American foster parents, and J-Woww is of Irish/Spanish descent-in other words, she's just a regular ol' white bitch. Snooki was the cute, tan little twat muffin who got clocked by some drunken goon in Season One (the arrest lead to his dismissal as a public school phys. ed. teacher) and we grew to like her for her goofy charm and inability to "hook-up" with her dream man, an equally stereotypical Guido Juice Head. Her ambitions went no farther than finding her dream man ("Guido Applications Taken Here", she shouts during a pre-Jersey Shore video), moving to Jersey and living her life.

In Season Two, she's seen getting down with housemate Vinnie and then proceeds to tell the world what a gigantic cock he has. Ah, she just oozes with class, doesn't she? She fights constantly with her then-boyfriend, a five-foot nothing jackass she met on MySpace, who Snooki accused of trying to cash in on her "fame" (fame!!! hahaha!!!) for applying to a reality show himself.

They argue over the stupidest shit imaginable and it becomes painfully apparent that no grounded, self-respecting young man could survive the whirling dervish of mentally stunted dysfunction that is Snooki. Her personality disorder is no longer cute, it's pathetic. And the fact that she's cheered on with her undeserved celebrity only highlights how far she will fall once someone turns the lights out on her tired shtick. Snooki, I hope you never get punched in the face again, but I do hope your star lands right back on "RetardLand" and you go back to Poughkeepsie, New York never to be heard from again.

Snooki and J-Woww, when standing together, look like Chewbacca and R2D2 from Star Wars. J-Woww is a disturbingly boorish, unattractive, white trash hooligan with fake breasts and an attitude that is commiserate with her overblown sense of self. When she stands next to Snooki, whom she towers over, they look like greeters at a Freak Show tent. If she were born twenty or so years earlier, she would have made an excellent female Roller Derby enforcer. I picture her skating around knocking bitches out of the rink with massive elbow thrusts and all manner of forearm shivers. Did I mention she's not even Italian? Oh, and the best part-for all her "Street Fightin' Man" demeanor, she gets fucked up by Sammi in a brawl J-Woww herself instigated. How's that for tough? Getting fucked up by a bitch who's biggest opponent to date had been her grotesque hair extensions?

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino-he is the arrogant ladies' man from Season One who, despite suffering from a severe case of hallucinatory overconfidence, demonstrated some endearing qualities, like being the head chef of the house. And isn't that what being Italian is all about? Once all the shouting and fighting is over, everyone sits down and has dinner together to collectively bond over pasta, chicken cutlets, sausage and peppers and Vitamin Water. He too seems to be trying too hard to become the character he's created in his head. The abs are obnoxious enough (we get it already), especially since his training regimen consists of no leg work whatsoever. His arms are grossly disproportionate to the rest of his body (especially his head), and his narcissistic, homo-erotic tendencies have finally worn thin. This guy, whose sole purpose in life is to live in a "Grenade-Free Zone" (meaning, no hooking up with girls unless they are a "10"), looked quite the fool when he was caught on camera cavorting with a transvestite and getting totally played out on more than one occasion (one memorable scene catches him being told to go play with himself as his hoochie leaves the house without giving up the ass).

Now we get to the show-stopper, the vomit-inducing and utterly repulsive Angelina. This asshole has no redeeming qualities, and from the looks of it should have been put in a garbage bag and thrown in a dumpster immediately upon birth. She is a 100% straight-up psychotic. First of all, she's a duplicitous whore who plays one group of friends in the house against another, then stands on the sidelines to watch the fireworks.

She talked shit about Vinnie, who attempted to expose her, and then sleeps with him while dating some Cuban dickhead named José, another stupid, bloated-on-steroids idiot who can't dress (dude, if you buy your suits at Men's Warehouse, no one's going to like the way you look-I guarantee it) and seems to share the same barber as Heinrich Himmler. This guy gets the prize for "Worst Fade Ever". I wonder how it feels getting played out by this trashy broad on national television, a girl who accepts his gifts and his wining and dining while giving up the ass to someone she supposedly hates.

Not that José would want any from this stank-ass nutria. She is seen on Season Two farting in public and dropping her used feminine hygiene products on the floor of the bathroom for others to see and pick up to throw in the trash. This twat needs to be summarily executed via firing squad. Nothing else will stop this relentlessly amoral snake from breeding and bringing more pollution into this world. I'm sure her mother is sitting in front of the TV wondering, "Is it too late to get an abortion? Is it too late to rid the universe of my cocksucking whore of a daughter?" Unfortunately it is.

Vinnie is a harmless enough character, but he is not cut out for the "GTL" lifestyle. His body is terrible, he has no tan, his hairdo is terrible, and he's stupid enough to fall in love with a Romanian club dancer. He truly believes she is high quality enough to bring home to mama. The fact that she totally disses him, leaving him waiting after he brought her flowers and planned a romantic double-date dinner with Pauly D and his girl goes to show you he is not ready for Prime Time. Dude, do yourself a favor and go to law school like you said. You're not cut out for this life. If that doesn't work out, you can always go back to Miami and work for the Bang Brothers porn network right alongside Ramón, the Cuban John Holmes. Of course Angelina had no problem handling Vinnie's horse cock because she's a whore, a "porn star without-portfolio" if you will.

This leaves us with the only cast member who seems to have a future in entertainment-Pauly D. This guy exhibits the typical Guido playboy tendencies that some of the others wish to aspire to but don't have the personality nor the skill set to pull it off. Between Seasons One and Two he went from local DJ in his home state of Rhode Island to headliner at some pretty exclusive clubs all over the US. He's maintained the mindless frat-house playfulness of the year before, and seems totally unfazed by the attention he's received. In other words, he is the only house member who's maintained his composure.

The only time he lost his cool was because of...Angelina. Go figure. Pauly D goes through life unencumbered by deep thoughts or any type of self-conscious emotional angst. His MO never changes, and he is the only member of this cast that truly shows no scarring from things like a bad upbringing or broken relationships. This cat carries no psychological baggage whatsoever. So here's to you, Pauly-get the fuck off that show as soon as you can and go do your thing. These other idiots are just holding you back.

And the Heisman Trophy goes to...

...not this motherfucker.

Reggie Bush has managed to do something O.J. Simpson didn't accomplish, his efforts not withstanding. A great football player, an asshole deluxe, an unrepentant lover of white women, a murderer who got off on a technicality that still boggles the mind to this very day, arrested for stealing cable TV service in Florida and then finally sentenced to prison for pulling a heist in a hotel room of his own memorabilia, that is what I call a solid body of work. Yet not enough to get him stripped of his Heisman Trophy.

That honor goes to Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints. Getting paid in college is nothing new. Eric Dickerson received $10,000 in cash as a signing bonus to go attend SMU and held the keys to a new Pontiac Trans-Am during his senior year. That's peanuts in comparison to what Reggie and his family made off with. There is a difference here, maybe one of semantics but a difference nonetheless. Anyone who knows anything about Texas football knows it is high stakes and big business from Pop Warner all the way up to college. Dickerson was paid by boosters to keep him happy while attending school. Bush was paid by some cats who wanted to represent him when he turned pro.

The payoffs were indeed lavish. Reggie made sure his family were in on it as they benefited from the largess of sports agent Lloyd Lake, who sued the Bush family for $290,000 dollars, money he said he paid out to these assholes in exchange for future representation at the pro level. Bush decided to say "Fuck You" to the men who paid him and made sure his family was living fat while he broke records on the gridiron for the rogue USC program. So my man Lake decided to say "Fuck You" right the fuck back. He cooperated with the NCAA and the infractions handed down cost Bush and the USC football program dearly.

The parents of Reggie Bush lived in a small apartment in San Diego. After their son went to USC, they moved on up in the best Jeffersonian manner-and by that I mean GEORGE Jefferson. The house has been valued at over $700,000 dollars and it was owned by one of the guys giving Reggie Bush the cash money he needed to live fat on the USC campus. With that type of spending money, I wonder how then-coach Pete Carroll missed those shopping sprees to Beverley Hills. Who exactly did he think was sponsoring this band of mopes?

First to fall was Athletic Director and colossally arrogant prick Mike Garrett. Coach Pete Carroll hightailed it outta there and went to the pros. The Trojans were stripped of their 2005 season and their appearance in the Orange Bowl, which they ironically lost to Texas and Heisman runner-up Vince Young, who even more ironically gave the crowd a Heisman pose while holding the National Championship trophy aloft.

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Focus on the Coen Brothers...

The Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, have been making movies for over 25 years. They have a knack for writing great, quirky scripts that surprise, shock and make us laugh all at the same time. Their films cover themes of chance, free-will, predestination and nihilism in such a way that seriously gives people the creeps. Why? Who knew that such ordinary characters, the types that we run into every day, can be so twisted and fucked up inside?

I will go through three of my favorite Coen Brothers films, films that I highly recommend for the discerning movie fan.

1) Blood Simple
Release date: January 18, 1985
Running time: 1 hour 36 minutes (Director's Cut)

The film's title derives from the Dashiell Hammett novel Red Harvest, in which "Blood Simple" is a term used to describe the addled, fearful mindset people are in after a prolonged immersion in violent situations.

A sleazy bar owner in a small Texas town hires a private detective to murder his wife and her lover, who works as the manager of his establishment. But of course things don't go as planned. If they did there would be no use for a movie. The guy hired by the owner is down with the classic double-cross. He collects the fee for the hits without performing said services, kills the bar owner and then plants evidence to try to frame the man he was supposed to kill.

But of course he fucks that up big-time, and the film goes into detail on the various twists and turns that are inevitable in such a cluster-fuck of circumstances.

2) Miller's Crossing

Release date: September 21, 1990
Running time: 1 hour 55 minutes

One of the most underrated gangster flicks of all time. Set in an unknown city in Depression-era America, the Coen Brothers weave a tale of love, betrayal, retribution, vicious gangsterism and the very little that is left of the various characters' old lives after the smoke clears.

The best part about the film is the acting. Very rarely do you get a crew that simultaneously acted the hell out of their respected parts the way these cats did. Typical for a Coen Brothers film in that there are many plot twists that one has to pay close attention to-it took me a couple of viewings just to figure out what "The Dane" was up to, and if you don't pay attention you'll miss it. After watching this film you too will want to run out and give someone you don't like the "High Hat".

3) No Country for Old Men

Release date: November 9, 2007
Running time: 2 hours 2 minutes

And to think I thought this film was garbage the first time I saw it. What the fuck was I thinking...This film has a character in it, played by the brilliant Spanish actor Javier Bardem, who over the course of the story develops into one of the most compelling on-screen villains in the history of cinema. It blows away the overplayed and bombastic Hannibal Lecter by a country mile. How good was his performance? Bardem won the Academy Award for "Best Supporting Actor" for his role.

A guy out in West Texas stumbles upon a satchel of cash at a scene where apparently a drug deal had gone badly, leaving dead bodies splattered all over the place. He could have been home free except for the idiotic decision to go back later that evening to re-visit the scene of the crime, due to the fact that he had found one survivor who was bleeding to death in a pickup truck and begged him for water. He goes back out there with a jug of water and is tailed and attacked by whomever was looking to recover the stash of drugs and money.

Bardem plays Anton Chigurh, the hitman hired to get back the stolen money. Tommy Lee Jones plays the sheriff in whose jurisdiction the crime is committed. As more people begin to follow the guy's trail, we get to see plenty of scenes of sheer lunacy masquerading as typical West Texas life. This is what makes the film so creepy. They cats who are supposed to play the heroes are anything but, and the bad guys are badder than you would ever want to encounter in real life. This, my friends, is one hell of a film.

Checking out all three on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I could think of worse ways to spend time indoors. Just remember to put the DVD player on pause when the Chinese food delivery guy rings your bell-you don't want to miss one second of these great films.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Asshole of the Year 2010...

Yes, I know it's only September 3rd, but unless another athlete pops out with some type of John Wayne Gacy shit, this cocksucker takes the prize RIGHT NOW.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. released a racist, profanity-laced tirade against Manny Pacquiao so outrageous that when the Grand Master of the Ku Klux Klan was shown the video he immediately sent Mayweather an application stamped "processing fees waived".

I must rant on this one. Racism is one of the most polarizing subjects in American discourse. It is such a hot potato that I have yet to hear an intelligent discussion where all parties have sat down and had a civil discussion on the subject .

Don't expect one to be forthcoming in the near future, either. Mayweather Jr. singlehandedly just set the timetable for any potential round table discussions on racism back about fifteen hundred years. If Jim Crow himself had listened to this bullshit, he would have had a fucking stroke. This is not what Dr. King envisioned when he made his famous "I Have a Dream" speech. The speech, and the sacrifices made by the black community and those who aided them, were not interested in pursuing the freedom to be an absolute and total racist asshole for their people, but that is what this assclown and those of his ilk have taken it.

Floyd Mayweather Jr.s' attitude is the result of having the thug element in the black community hijack their culture. Misogyny, violence against women, "blinging", boasting, murder and drug dealing-pretty much every negative, detrimental stereotype that exists is held up as heroic pursuits.

Anything remotely resembling education, decency and strong family values is ridiculed and marginalized out of existence. This is the world Floyd lives in, the world that he comes from and hopefully the one that winds up devouring him once his career is over.

One of his publicists said yesterday that Mayweather wasn't a racist. Really? How do you explain this little gem of a quote?

"I'm on vacation for about a year, about a year. As soon as we come off vacation, we're going to cook that little yellow chump. So they ain't gotta worry about me fighting the midget. Once I stomp the midget, I'll make that NIGGA make me a sushi roll and cook me some rice."

I highlighted the word in question just to show you that when a black person uses it, it is not meant as a term of endearment like the racial apologists love saying. It is the same denigrating insult it is when a when a white person says it, or anyone else for that matter. But apparently Mayweather Jr. can say it to whomever he wants, even a fighter as dignified as Manny Pacquiao.

I got to digging around and found this funny little situation. The guy who walks around with massive amounts of cash, showering the unwashed masses that grovel at his greatness with $100 dollar bills had a bit of a situation with "The Man" a few years ago. Check it out-

"The IRS filed a $6,165,735 lien against Mayweather for unpaid incomes taxes on Oct. 9 in Clark County, Nev. He owes the money from 2007, according to the Clark County Recorder’s office."

That's strange-I never heard of a monumentally conceited, loudmouth black athlete with delusions of grandeur having money problems and owing millions in unpaid taxes. That certainly is a new one (insert sarcastic smirk HERE). Rumor has it that he spends money like he will never run out of it. For a second I thought he had Antoine Walker as an accountant, but no-just an army of "YES" men who never tell him "NO".

Mayweather belongs to the obnoxious, morally vacant generation of black athletes who, unlike Muhammad Ali, do not have the physical charisma, intelligence or grace to pull off an arrogant, self-promoting yet playful and funny public persona. They just come across as vile creeps, the type of ghetto cretins that one sees in grainy security tapes beating up old-age pensioners in the lobbies of public housing tenements.

This tirade of Mayweathers' is besides the fact that he is the one who has been dodging Pacquiao for over a year now. He has accused Manny of taking steroids and of not wanting to submit to Olympics-style drug testing. This is his bone of contention. The fact is that on a good night Pacquiao would kick Mayweathers' ass. The video is now just added motivation.

Let's go over the list-Floyd calls Manny a faggot, accuses him of taking steroids, insults his business acumen, and the rest are just a bunch of semi-literate racist taunts. As a wanna-be comedian, he has broken the cardinal sin-not of being racist, but of not being funny. I hope Pacquiao IS on steroids. And I hope he walks into the ring with altered gloves-minimal padding and plaster casts on his fists. Not that Pacqiao needs to cheat, but I just want Mayweather to get flung out of the ring headfirst like the bitch-ass trick he is. A fighter who has made his money fighting one of the weakest career opponent lists I've ever seen shouldn't be talking about the fighter everyone knows is better than he is.

Only an asshole like Mayweather could have the nerve to make a video insulting, taunting and ridiculing the man he has done everything in his power to avoid fighting. Hey Floyd-get in the ring, you fucker and get the ass-kicking you so richly deserve. And I hope after the fight is over, once you get out of intensive care from the beating Pacquiao will lay on you (that's if you actually have the balls to go toe-to-toe, instead of spending the night dancing around the ring like a twat) you retire once and for all. Good riddance to an asshole of Herculean proportions.

Fity and Floyd-Setting back race relations one jive-ass turkey at a time.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Film recommendation of the week...

The Expendables
Release date: August 13, 2010
Running time: 1 hour 38 minutes

Stallone Kicks ASS!!!!!

Here is the cast for one of the most balls-out, rock 'em sock 'em movies of the year-

* Sylvester Stallone
* Jason Statham
* Jet Li
* Dolph Lundgren
* Randy Couture
* Steve Austin
* Terry Crews
* Mickey Rourke
* Bruce Willis
*Eric Roberts
*With guest appearance by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The plot-who cares? But I'll tell you anyway. I'm not ruining it for anyone who hasn't seen the film because the main storyline takes a back seat to the action. An ex-CIA operative has gone rogue and is aiding and abetting a stereotypically arrogant, power-mad Latino military dictator for the opportunity to share the spoils of the cocaine trade emanating from his fictional island.

Stallone and his mercenary friends accept the $5 million dollar job to take both guys out, with a twist-he falls in love with the dictator's young and beautiful daughter, who initially acts as Stallone's contact during his first foray to the island alongside Jason Statham. Stallone decides to go back after getting ratted out by a fellow mercenary whom he had a falling out with. Long story short, Stallone goes back with the whole crew intact and they proceed to kick more ass than a wild donkey at a Republican Teabagger Rally.

Ass was kicked in epic proportions, and everyone gets in on it. This is what an action movie should be. And funny enough, the plot ain't half bad. The señorita in question who becomes Stallone's love interest is played by Giselle Itié (born in Mexico of Brazilian descent-there is not hotter mixture on the planet) and boy does she loook mahvelous, dahling-absolutely mahvelous!!! I definitely would have gone back for her, and the tumultuous fighting would have just been an added bonus.

How's this for hilarious? Stallone offered Jean Claude Van Damme a role in the film, but he turned it down because...let me stop laughing for a second...HAHAHA!!!!...he felt there was no "substance" to his character!!! AHAHAHAHA!!! The nerve of the guy!!! What a fucking dick!!! OK, Jean Claude-anything you say. I guess with the extra spare time you can go back to the Shakespearean roles that made you a household name, you fucking pretentious prick.

Anyway, he wasn't missed. Everyone was good in this film, and an extra round of applause must go out to Stallone's sidekick in the film and current action star Jason Statham. He made the movie what it was, and this is not to discount the contributions of all the others cats, who were all bad-ass in their respective roles.

Despite the fact that some of the one-liners were corny as hell, the bits of occasional comedy did improve as the movie went on. If you've been disappointed with the absolute rubbish that's been coming out lately and want to go to the movies to have some great fun, let me tell you-skip "Takers" and go see this. "Takers" was the worst piece of crap I've seen in a long time, and you will thank me for telling you to stay clear of it. Don't get taken by the fact that it has done well at the box office-"Takers" is the worst heist film ever made. Go see "The Expendables" instead. You will thank me later.

"The Expendables"-They kick you don't have to.