10) The NFL/The Detroit Lions/Ndamukong Suh
This one is shared by three entities. The reason they are all in one listing is due to the same correlated malfeasance.
Every Thanksgiving, we must suffer the miserable sight of the Detroit Lions getting their asses handed to them on national television. At first I thought the NFL put them on the schedule because they felt sorry for these perpetually inept losers. Now it seems as if it's done on purpose to torture us football fans. It's bad enough this particular holiday is meant to spend time with people you can't stand (like the family member who subjects the household to youtube videos of "World's Most Amazing Ghetto Beatdowns"). But to be forced to watch these clowns make a mockery of the game is just too much.
There is no reason why Detroit should be on the national stage every turkey day. They've lost the last eight consecutive Thanksgiving Day games by a grand total of over 170 points. No one remembers who beat them, just that they got beat. There is a reason why Puerto Ricans prefer pork shoulder on this day instead of turkey. How many Boriquas were sitting alongside Miles Standish when the Pilgrims sat down with the Native American for dinner? Not one.
So when there is no tradition, best to either leave it alone or make up your own. There is no tradition for this abomination of a series to continue, but the NFL continues to insult football fans with this atrocity of a game. The next time commissioner Roger Goodell has these motherfuckers playing on Thanksgiving, he should butt-chug a bag of drywall nails, because that's exactly what it feels like to watch the Detroit Lions. The rest of us have to get fucked up on coquíto and tryptophan to get through this abomination of a football game.
And to top it all off, we have the venerable Ndamukong Suh, who for the last two years has shown us that even 'roid rage has it's limits in America's most violent pastime. Last year he stomped a hapless Green Bay Packers lineman after mushing his grill into the always tasty and nutritious artificial turf, then blatantly lied about it to the media. Here is that incident for your viewing pleasure-
This year, he kicks Houston Texan's quarterback Matt Schaub in the nuts for again, absolutely no reason. Why? "Cause he's a dick. Why oh why do we have to be subjected to this EVERY FUCKING THANKSGIVING?
9) Antoine Walker
Antoine Walker seems like a nice enough guy, and I'm sure he's telling the truth when he states that he lost a lot of money from bad real estate deals. But what he is guilty of is so typical for a professional athlete from an impoverished background that the story's monotonous already. The gambling didn't help, and neither did the fact that Walker's admitted to having over 70 different family members/friends on his payroll at any one time. That is 70 moochers and leeches who abandoned him when the money ran out.
That's the only reason he was last seen making a mockery of the sport as an abysmally out-of-shape lardass chucking three pointers in the NBA Development League league before mercifully putting an end to a potential NBA comeback that fizzled out at the age of 34 the second the weight scale tipped north of 300 fucking pounds. Estimated loss of earnings in the neighborhood of $110 million dollars.
If you go on TV trying to explain why you're broke...
Don't forget to include the gold-digging hoochies. Next to Walker is serial douchebag and reality TV tele-whore Evelyn Lozada-
8) Allen Iverson
Allen Iverson deserves special mention here for a life spun completely out of control, replete with binge-drinking, womanizing, serial gambling, and a home life that mimics the same dysfunctional ghetto bullshit you see in any public housing slum. Imagine playing in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans, getting paid millions of dollars to do so, while going home and behaving as if you live in the Patterson Projects in the Bronx. Isn't the point of having all that money to NOT replicate your upbringing?
This is Iverson's mug shot after getting arrested by the Philadelphia Police for dragging his wife outside of their home butt-ass naked while slamming her around like a hooker who didn't make her minimum nightly quota. Nice way to treat the mother of your children, Allen. While playing for the Denver Nuggets (the last time he was relevant as an NBA ballplayer), he was reportedly spending night after night at the casinos blowing what little money he had left. After getting traded to Detroit and then to Memphis and fucking that up after only eight or so games. he was done.
With his knees shot to hell, a pending divorce (note to abusive pro athletes-ass kickings are tolerated by women only under conditions of extreme cash. You run out of cash, the next beating will result in an arrest for spousal battery and you're out the door) and unsuccessful turns in Turkey, Puerto Rico and (last I heard) China, Iverson will now join the illustrious line of loser ex-athletes who wind up broke after making more money than an average person could possibly spend in five lifetimes.
Iverson as a high school teenager showing off to his proud mother, who's not much older than he is. No wonder he had such great guidance in his life...
Funny thing about this "thug life" bullshit and professional athletes. Iverson never was a thug. He had gotten in serious trouble over an incident involving a racially inspired melee (a brouhaha if you will) at a local bowling alley while in high school, but if you watch the ESPN documentary on the incident, you'll realize that there were other motivations at work behind the scenes to keep Iverson off the football field and the basketball court and in a jail cell his senior year that had nothing to do with the alleged incident.
You can't be a thug and an athlete at the same time. Those that try never make it past high school (see the story of Karlton Hines in an earlier blog post as the most egregious example). If they go to college, rest assured they're just punks trying to act tough. Believe me, plenty of black athletes from impoverished households understand clearly that being big, strong and black scares the crap of out most chickenshit rednecks and suburban frathouse beer-guzzling jag-offs.
Pool party at Iverson's home. Think any of these prostitutes or the dickhead in the third picture wearing the worlds's longest shorts stuck around to console Iverson after he went broke?
It's usually an act, but one that gets to their heads more often than not. You're not going to find real thugs attending college. They are too lazy to work out, play ball and go to school at the same time. Iverson became a cartoon version of a thug because he seemed very angry at the white establishment that was in fact bending over backwards to love him and to incorporate him into their world, a world of money, privilege AND responsibility.
The losers from his 'hood that he embraced and felt so much loyalty towards were part of his eventual fall. The cornrows, the do-rags, the baggy inner-city attire was all meant as some juvenile, immature act of rebellion towards the very group of people who dearly wanted to embrace him, and it was all a contrivance. He was a ball player and that was it. He did became a gambler, wife beater, substance abuser and asshole with a chip on his shoulder, but AFTER he got rich. Go figure.
If I had Iverson as a neighbor, the last thing I would do is ring his doorbell to see if he had any Grey Poupon. I wouldn't want to get my testicles chomped off by one his homeboy's maniacal rottweilers. Besides, if he'd open the door, I'd probably be greeted by a plume of marijuana smoke, hoochies running around naked and a pit bull with a 10-pound weight tied to his neck. Estimated loss of earnings over his career to the tune of $200 million dollars. That is NOT a typo.
7) The Miami Marlins/Bud Selig
The Miami Marlins got the good citizens of Miami to subsidize a grandiose monstrosity of a baseball stadium the team didn't need, given the fact that they pull in about 200 fans per home game, They were better off playing on a little league field instead of the almost $634 million dollar stadium Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria got the people of South Florida to subsidize to the tune of $409 million. They go out and make a big splash signing overpriced free agents like José Reyes and loudmouth manager Ozzie Guillén, who never met a stupid comment he didn't like. There were problems from the start. Ozzie opens his mouth and tells everyone how great Fidel Castro was, and the hyenas from the Cuban expat community go bananas. The team, despite all the money they spent, STILL finish in last place. So now the inevitable South Florida Fire Sale occurs. Ownership fires the manager and trade anyone on the team who has an ounce of talent for a bunch of so-called "prospects" which won't pan out anytime soon.
Fish tanks being installed behind either side of home plate in the new Marlins stadium-fucking fish tanks!!!
New stadium with retractable roof, so space aliens won't have to be subjected to the bullshit happening on the field-
This is how you make money by losing. Thanks to the collective bargaining agreement, owners of small market teams collect money from teams that spend more and win more, like the New York Yankees. This money is supposedly to shore up the team's lineups, but owners just pocket the cash and keep losing. The Marlins have traded a total of ten players throughout the year, with five going to The Toronto Blue Jays that is nothing but a cynical salary dump the team is famous for, having done this twice in their history after winning the World Series both times.
Bud Selig did nothing to stop this abomination of a trade because he continues to be the most idiotic league commissioner in all of professional sports. The man who presided over the worst scandal in baseball history (the so-called "Steroids Era") and came out of it with a lucrative contract extension is the clearest indication that there is nothing better on planet Earth than being a mediocre white man with the IQ of a baboon.
6) Rex Ryan/Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow
What happens when a football team has a quarterback with the second-worst QBR (quarterback rating) rating and trades for a backup who has the worst QBR in the league, yet commands 200 media members for a press conference when he flies into New York city? A clusterfuck of epic proportions, because neither player can play the position. Mark Sanchez is so bad he makes Jets fans pine for the days of Richard Todd and Vinny Testeverde. And Tim Tebow must hold the record for most talked about sucker on ESPN in all of pro sports. No amount of slurping by the likes of blowhard deluxe Skip Bayless, who does nothing but yak about how great Tebow is, will make him an NFL quarterback. Tebow has been described by a Jets player as "terrible", and even though he made this statement anonymously, not one player contradicted him.
Tebow has played on special teams, at tight end, as a QB on the wildcat option, and has been ineffective at all positions the few times he's played. The New York media went berserk when he left the practice field shirtless earlier this season, and that's about as big a splash as he's made. Whoever made the decision to bring this media clown to New York should lose his job, and Rex Ryan will probably pay the price. So much for Bill Belichick's proteges making an impact as head coaches in the NFL. Ryan, despite having stomach surgery and losing weight, has lost the locker room, and their season has gone the way of Terrell Revis' knee. Time to clean house and get rid of all three of these bums. Remember, Abdul Salaam ain't walking through that door, and neither is Joe Klecko, Mark Gastineau or Joe Namath.
Even Jets superfan and unofficial mascot Fireman Ed has lost faith. He closed his Twitter account and announced he will no longer lead the stadium chant of J-E-T-S!!! JETS!!! JETS!!! JETS!!! He also stated he's sick and tired (funny for someone living off a fat pension being "tired" of anything) of getting into confrontations with belligerent Jets fans just because he wears a Mark Sanchez jersey to all home games.Will Western civilization ever recover from a former NYC firefighter who retired early from a job-related injury at the age of 48 (gotta love those civil servant welfare queens) yet still has the energy to root for these assholes? Hey Ed, go put out a fire somewhere, because the Jets haven't been hot since 1967.
During their 49-19 loss to the New England Patriots, the Jets gave up 21 points in 56 seconds. One was memorable for it's sheer stumbling, bumbling ineptitude. Mark Sanchez decides to run the ball on a play action fake and slams his face into his own offensive lineman's 500-pound ass, then fumbles the ball for a Patriots touchdown, one of five Jets turnovers on the night. Somebody get these motherfuckers outta here, please!!!