Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The 2012 Golden Turkey Awards Pt.I...

This feature has gone missing the last couple of years, but it's back with a vengeance. Every Thanksgiving we here at "Busting Chops" give thanks to all the morons, jackasses and myriad of assorted assclowns that make the sports world so memorable for all the wrong reasons. After all, what better way to digest grandma's overcooked, tasteless and utterly forgettable Thanksgiving Day feast than with the handing out of our 2012 Golden Turkey Awards? Enjoy.

10) The NFL/The Detroit Lions/Ndamukong Suh
This one is shared by three entities. The reason they are all in one listing is due to the same correlated malfeasance.

Every Thanksgiving, we must suffer the miserable sight of the Detroit Lions getting their asses handed to them on national television. At first I thought the NFL put them on the schedule because they felt sorry for these perpetually inept losers. Now it seems as if it's done on purpose to torture us football fans. It's bad enough this particular holiday is meant to spend time with people you can't stand (like the family member who subjects the household to youtube videos of "World's Most Amazing Ghetto Beatdowns"). But to be forced to watch these clowns make a mockery of the game is just too much.

There is no reason why Detroit should be on the national stage every turkey day. They've lost the last eight consecutive Thanksgiving Day games by a grand total of over 170 points. No one remembers who beat them, just that they got beat. There is a reason why Puerto Ricans prefer pork shoulder on this day instead of turkey. How many Boriquas were sitting alongside Miles Standish when the Pilgrims sat down with the Native American for dinner? Not one.

So when there is no tradition, best to either leave it alone or make up your own. There is no tradition for this abomination of a series to continue, but the NFL continues to insult football fans with this atrocity of a game. The next time commissioner Roger Goodell has these motherfuckers playing on Thanksgiving, he should butt-chug a bag of drywall nails, because that's exactly what it feels like to watch the Detroit Lions. The rest of us have to get fucked up on coquíto and tryptophan to get through this abomination of a football game.

And to top it all off, we have the venerable Ndamukong Suh, who for the last two years has shown us that even 'roid rage has it's limits in America's most violent pastime. Last year he stomped a hapless Green Bay Packers lineman after mushing his grill into the always tasty and nutritious artificial turf, then blatantly lied about it to the media. Here is that incident for your viewing pleasure-

This year, he kicks Houston Texan's quarterback Matt Schaub in the nuts for again, absolutely no reason. Why? "Cause he's a dick. Why oh why do we have to be subjected to this EVERY FUCKING THANKSGIVING?

9) Antoine Walker
Antoine Walker seems like a nice enough guy, and I'm sure he's telling the truth when he states that he lost a lot of money from bad real estate deals. But what he is guilty of is so typical for a professional athlete from an impoverished background that the story's monotonous already. The gambling didn't help, and neither did the fact that Walker's admitted to having over 70 different family members/friends on his payroll at any one time. That is 70 moochers and leeches who abandoned him when the money ran out.

That's the only reason he was last seen making a mockery of the sport as an abysmally out-of-shape lardass chucking three pointers in the NBA Development League league before mercifully putting an end to a potential NBA comeback that fizzled out at the age of 34 the second the weight scale tipped north of 300 fucking pounds. Estimated loss of earnings in the neighborhood of $110 million dollars.

If you go on TV trying to explain why you're broke...

Don't forget to include the gold-digging hoochies. Next to Walker is serial douchebag and reality TV tele-whore Evelyn Lozada-

8) Allen Iverson
Allen Iverson deserves special mention here for a life spun completely out of control, replete with binge-drinking, womanizing, serial gambling, and a home life that mimics the same dysfunctional ghetto bullshit you see in any public housing slum. Imagine playing in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans, getting paid millions of dollars to do so, while going home and behaving as if you live in the Patterson Projects in the Bronx. Isn't the point of having all that money to NOT replicate your upbringing?

This is Iverson's mug shot after getting arrested by the Philadelphia Police for dragging his wife outside of their home butt-ass naked while slamming her around like a hooker who didn't make her minimum nightly quota. Nice way to treat the mother of your children, Allen. While playing for the Denver Nuggets (the last time he was relevant as an NBA ballplayer), he was reportedly spending night after night at the casinos blowing what little money he had left. After getting traded to Detroit and then to Memphis and fucking that up after only eight or so games. he was done.

With his knees shot to hell, a pending divorce (note to abusive pro athletes-ass kickings are tolerated by women only under conditions of extreme cash. You run out of cash, the next beating will result in an arrest for spousal battery and you're out the door) and unsuccessful turns in Turkey, Puerto Rico and (last I heard) China, Iverson will now join the illustrious line of loser ex-athletes who wind up broke after making more money than an average person could possibly spend in five lifetimes.

Iverson as a high school teenager showing off to his proud mother, who's not much older than he is. No wonder he had such great guidance in his life...

Funny thing about this "thug life" bullshit and professional athletes. Iverson never was a thug. He had gotten in serious trouble over an incident involving a racially inspired melee (a brouhaha if you will) at a local bowling alley while in high school, but if you watch the ESPN documentary on the incident, you'll realize that there were other motivations at work behind the scenes to keep Iverson off the football field and the basketball court and in a jail cell his senior year that had nothing to do with the alleged incident.

You can't be a thug and an athlete at the same time. Those that try never make it past high school (see the story of Karlton Hines in an earlier blog post as the most egregious example). If they go to college, rest assured they're just punks trying to act tough. Believe me, plenty of black athletes from impoverished households understand clearly that being big, strong and black scares the crap of out most chickenshit rednecks and suburban frathouse beer-guzzling jag-offs.

Pool party at Iverson's home. Think any of these prostitutes or the dickhead in the third picture wearing the worlds's longest shorts stuck around to console Iverson after he went broke?

It's usually an act, but one that gets to their heads more often than not. You're not going to find real thugs attending college. They are too lazy to work out, play ball and go to school at the same time. Iverson became a cartoon version of a thug because he seemed very angry at the white establishment that was in fact bending over backwards to love him and to incorporate him into their world, a world of money, privilege AND responsibility.

The losers from his 'hood that he embraced and felt so much loyalty towards were part of his eventual fall. The cornrows, the do-rags, the baggy inner-city attire was all meant as some juvenile, immature act of rebellion towards the very group of people who dearly wanted to embrace him, and it was all a contrivance. He was a ball player and that was it. He did became a gambler, wife beater, substance abuser and asshole with a chip on his shoulder, but AFTER he got rich. Go figure.

If I had Iverson as a neighbor, the last thing I would do is ring his doorbell to see if he had any Grey Poupon. I wouldn't want to get my testicles chomped off by one his homeboy's maniacal rottweilers. Besides, if he'd open the door, I'd probably be greeted by a plume of marijuana smoke, hoochies running around naked and a pit bull with a 10-pound weight tied to his neck. Estimated loss of earnings over his career to the tune of $200 million dollars. That is NOT a typo.

7) The Miami Marlins/Bud Selig
The Miami Marlins got the good citizens of Miami to subsidize a grandiose monstrosity of a baseball stadium the team didn't need, given the fact that they pull in about 200 fans per home game, They were better off playing on a little league field instead of the almost $634 million dollar stadium Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria got the people of South Florida to subsidize to the tune of $409 million. They go out and make a big splash signing overpriced free agents like José Reyes and loudmouth manager Ozzie Guillén, who never met a stupid comment he didn't like. There were problems from the start. Ozzie opens his mouth and tells everyone how great Fidel Castro was, and the hyenas from the Cuban expat community go bananas. The team, despite all the money they spent, STILL finish in last place. So now the inevitable South Florida Fire Sale occurs. Ownership fires the manager and trade anyone on the team who has an ounce of talent for a bunch of so-called "prospects" which won't pan out anytime soon.

Fish tanks being installed behind either side of home plate in the new Marlins stadium-fucking fish tanks!!!

New stadium with retractable roof, so space aliens won't have to be subjected to the bullshit happening on the field-

This is how you make money by losing. Thanks to the collective bargaining agreement, owners of small market teams collect money from teams that spend more and win more, like the New York Yankees. This money is supposedly to shore up the team's lineups, but owners just pocket the cash and keep losing. The Marlins have traded a total of ten players throughout the year, with five going to The Toronto Blue Jays that is nothing but a cynical salary dump the team is famous for, having done this twice in their history after winning the World Series both times.

Bud Selig did nothing to stop this abomination of a trade because he continues to be the most idiotic league commissioner in all of professional sports. The man who presided over the worst scandal in baseball history (the so-called "Steroids Era") and came out of it with a lucrative contract extension is the clearest indication that there is nothing better on planet Earth than being a mediocre white man with the IQ of a baboon.

6) Rex Ryan/Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow
What happens when a football team has a quarterback with the second-worst QBR (quarterback rating) rating and trades for a backup who has the worst QBR in the league, yet commands 200 media members for a press conference when he flies into New York city? A clusterfuck of epic proportions, because neither player can play the position. Mark Sanchez is so bad he makes Jets fans pine for the days of Richard Todd and Vinny Testeverde. And Tim Tebow must hold the record for most talked about sucker on ESPN in all of pro sports. No amount of slurping by the likes of blowhard deluxe Skip Bayless, who does nothing but yak about how great Tebow is, will make him an NFL quarterback. Tebow has been described by a Jets player as "terrible", and even though he made this statement anonymously, not one player contradicted him.

Tebow has played on special teams, at tight end, as a QB on the wildcat option, and has been ineffective at all positions the few times he's played. The New York media went berserk when he left the practice field shirtless earlier this season, and that's about as big a splash as he's made. Whoever made the decision to bring this media clown to New York should lose his job, and Rex Ryan will probably pay the price. So much for Bill Belichick's proteges making an impact as head coaches in the NFL. Ryan, despite having stomach surgery and losing weight, has lost the locker room, and their season has gone the way of Terrell Revis' knee. Time to clean house and get rid of all three of these bums. Remember, Abdul Salaam ain't walking through that door, and neither is Joe Klecko, Mark Gastineau or Joe Namath.

Even Jets superfan and unofficial mascot Fireman Ed has lost faith. He closed his Twitter account and announced he will no longer lead the stadium chant of J-E-T-S!!! JETS!!! JETS!!! JETS!!! He also stated he's sick and tired (funny for someone living off a fat pension being "tired" of anything) of getting into confrontations with belligerent Jets fans just because he wears a Mark Sanchez jersey to all home games.Will Western civilization ever recover from a former NYC firefighter who retired early from a job-related injury at the age of 48 (gotta love those civil servant welfare queens) yet still has the energy to root for these assholes? Hey Ed, go put out a fire somewhere, because the Jets haven't been hot since 1967.

During their 49-19 loss to the New England Patriots, the Jets gave up 21 points in 56 seconds. One was memorable for it's sheer stumbling, bumbling ineptitude. Mark Sanchez decides to run the ball on a play action fake and slams his face into his own offensive lineman's 500-pound ass, then fumbles the ball for a Patriots touchdown, one of five Jets turnovers on the night. Somebody get these motherfuckers outta here, please!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Invisible Pack of Sadness...

Kristin Armstrong recently published an article that illustrates how the people around her ex-husband were just as despicable as he was. This monumental piece of ego-maniacal tripe rivals anything that's come across our desks here at the home office at "Busting Chops". Words cannot convey the absolute hubris put on display by this entitled, self-centered anus maximus. I'll let her words speak for themselves, from an article originally published in Runner's World magazine entitled ""How the Light Gets In"-

(In the paragraph below, the portions that are in parenthesis are my individual comments. The rest is from Kristin's ridiculous attempt at trying to author her empty feelings of self-fullfilment. And why would we not feel sorry for a bitch with a $14 million dollar divorce settlement?)

"When I was broken and drifting (all the while living the life of Mrs. Thurston Howell III), Runner's World was the passing ship that picked me up (after escaping from Lance Armstrong's PED-drenched Shutter Island) and gave me the opportunity to be publicly what I had always been privately-a writer (and an over-privileged,  fake blond whore of a loser who cashed her chips in at the nearest divorce court casino and now relentless whines about how bad my life is) . I have been very blessed to run, write and relate here with you (the trials and tribulations of a Class-A gilded nutria) for almost a decade. There may have been some celebrity intrigue associated with my last name (the only reason anyone would hire me to write the unreadable swill I crank out) when I first started out, but I appreciate how the Runner's World staff and readers have allowed my work to stand for itself (these idiots, who are so gullible they consider the unendurable slop I hash out as actual writing).

Señorita Horseface in repose (does this pasty-faced skank know any other position?)-

The self-absorption knows no bounds with these people. Every time I see Kristin's stupid horse face, I feel obliged to pull out the sugar cubes and carrots, not to put in her mouth but to shove up her ass. This is the same woman who, when asked by Betsy Andreu about drug use on the US Postal Team at a race, that is was "a necessary evil". Really? How come, when writing the article above, did our darling Kristin not mention this to any of her followers, who wait every month with baited breath to read the ruminations of this alligator-mouthed, duplicitous media vulture?

The title of this article comes from one of the most gag-inducing lines in the article. Kristin states that while she was doing her first marathon, she was running with "an invisible pack of sadness" from her divorce and the subsequent attempt to put her life back together. As if it were torn apart to begin with. Armstrong didn't suddenly sideswipe her with his assholishness. She was married to him, had two of his children, and lived with him throughout many of the years he spent lying to the world about his life story.

She profited from and, worse than that, was complicit in this fraud and stood silently by Lance's side while he lied to the whole world, and now continues commandeering the Bullshit Express by hiding behind a confidentiality agreement as the reason why we shouldn't trespass on her privacy to get at the truth. She knew all along what he was, because she was exactly the same way. Now she is intent on whoring the female yuppie divorcée crowd not only financial gain, but for pity which she deserves about as much as Jeffrey Dahmer.

Kristin Armstrong's river of bullshit in written form-

Meanwhile, the final bell has rung for her ex-husband. He has been dismissed from the board of directors of his own cancer foundation, and now they have to fight for their very existence (which involves a bunch of corporate douchebags clinging on to their overpaid positions more than it is about cancer awareness) where everything they've built their reputation on has been deemed fraudulent. The yellow plastic bracelets don't mean anything anymore, because those yellow Tour jerseys have been stripped. It will be impossible to keep screeching to people to "Livestrong" when Lance Armstrong spent his whole career living "WRONG". Without a message, without its' founding father, this charity will flounder into irrelevance.

Here is a photo posted of Armstrong taking it easy in the house he's been trying to sell for the last two or so years-I believe it's an old photo posted by an Armstrong internet troll who still longs for the days when the lies were true-

Here is the same photo as it should look-

I hope everyone got their children the hottest Halloween costume of the year. The kid on the left is none other than Motoman himself-

Now comes the financial fallout. His attorneys have attempted to negotiate with SCA Promotions, cynically offering restitution of $1 million dollars, which is a joke. They in turn are going to sue him for about $12 million dollars and will include a charge of perjury for lying about doping under oath during their initial lawsuit in 2006, which Armstrong won to the tune of the initial $5 million payout and attorney fees/interest of another $2.5 million. The remaining balance include the payouts to Armstrong by SCA in 2004 and 2005. Forget SOL technicalities. Here is a stipulation in the contract that makes this lawsuit an open and shut case-

The Times of London will be suing him for the $1 million they had to pay Armstrong stemming from a lawsuit against the paper after sportswriter David Walsh published a book full of accusations that turned out to be all true. The IOC wants their Olympic medal back, and the ASO, the organization that owns the Tour de France race, are going after the $7.5 million dollars in earnings Lance won during his seven year reign. This is the total amount Armstrong owes, and he will lose every case if he decides to take them to court.

Armstrong no longer has any sponsors left willing to have him shill their products. He can no longer whore the cancer community for a a fistful of dollars. He is not allowed to ride sanctioned triathlon events. His revenue stream has dried up like a used blood bag. Now that he's been dropped by Demand Media, he only has the interest on his investment portfolio to live off of. Should anyone feel sympathy for this devil? Absolutely not, just like no one should feel sorry for Kristin Armstrong. In the annals of the all-time greatest Tour riders, Armstrong no longer has a place amongst this elite group.

The moral of the story is this-people will always cheat, and people will always get away with cheating. Fraud exists in all walks of life, and everyone lies to a certain extent about all manner of situations both monumental and banal. But this motherfucker took it to unprecedented levels, which is why his downfall needed to be just as unprecedented. The surprising part was the surgical precision of his decapitation from public life. The companies that stood by him throughout years and years of allegations dropped him like a pimp would eject a tired, dusty-ass whore who can't hack it anymore from his stable of ho's. After being given the bum's rush by his own cancer foundation (with his name summarily removed from it's title) no one will ever want to be associated with this fraudster ever again if they want to remain a viable business/corporate entity. And since Livestrong has no identity outside it's founder, they will very soon shut their doors forever.

Here is the investigative piece done by the Australian news program "4 Corners", which is pretty much the last word on this debacle-


The bottom line of this pathetic tale is that Armstrong absolutely deserves every bit of ridicule and marginalization that's hit him like an anvil across his head. No one can predict the outcome of the remaining three cases the USADA must adjudicate, but after 1,000 pages of testimony and proof against Armstrong himself, if the other clowns in this sordid circus dare continue with their arbitration hearings, it will be the last nails in the coffin of the whole US Postal/Discovery Channel cycling team affair.

The legacy these American riders have left on the sport of professional cycling should leave them feeling ashamed, with only Greg Lemond left to ponder what could have been if he didn't have so much bad luck in his cycling career. The consolation for him is, despite getting shot in his prime while turkey hunting and losing two key years of his athletic prime, Lemond managed a career that no other American rider could touch. Bravo to you, Greg, for standing tall in face of financial and emotional stress brought on by being one of the first major figures to publicly doubt "The Armstrong Myth".

The Alex Rodriguez Dilemma...

The New York Yankees have a dilemma on their hands-what to do with Alex Rodriguez? No one will trade for him. His contract is not only monstrous, the years he has left are devoid of any quality. He was paid an even $30 million this year, and just look at the production-it's despicable. He did absolutely nothing, and came up woefully short yet again in the post season when the Yanks needed him most after Derek Jeter suffered a n injury that took him out of the playoffs. Rodriguez swung the bat like a hairdresser trying to swat a fly this year. His bat speed has totally abandoned him, he's a defensive liability at third base, and he remains one of the most unlikable figures in modern-day sport.

Let's go over his stats year-by-year so we can pinpoint the demise-

The Apotheosis-
2007-54 HR, 156 RBI, .314 BA

Typical monster year for A-Rod. Exactly what one would expect from the highest=paid player in the major leagues. Not only was he slamming homers with reckless abandon, he was crushing everything being thrown at him. As a baseball fan, his sublime talents were a joy to behold. This is the A-Rod the Yankees paid for when trading for him from the Texas Rangers.

The Fall-Off-
2008-35 HR, 103 RBI, .302 BA

2009-30 HR, 100 RBI, .286 BA

2010-30 HR, 125 RBI, .270 BA

The drop-off becomes apparent. In between these years, he tacitly admits what many were thinking-that he was a steroid abuser. During this time he also becomes mysteriously injury-prone, missing huge swaths of pklaying time and having one surgery after another-never a good sign for an aging ball player with many, many years and tons of money left on his contract.

The Abyss-
2011-16 HR, 62 RBI, .276 BA

2012-18 HR, 57 RBI, .272 BA

No longer is he the A-Rod of old. That player is NEVER coming back. One of the attractions of having him under contract, given its' prodigious length and girth, was Rodriguez's eventual assault on the all-time home run record. The Yankees were banking on this, and they crapped the fuck out.

The Image-
It's really difficult to wrap one's arms around Alex Rodriguez, both the player and the man. His celebrity engulfs him like a cloud of mustard gas. He's like one of those Wall Street tycoons who are so overcompensated it's difficult to fathom how he wakes up in the morning without feeling so above the rest of the human race. Rodriguez was one of those few uber-talented specimens whose skills set him so far apart from even the most talented players of his generation that it seems he was born of another species.

Take for example Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz. A talented player in his own right, he fought his way out of the slums of Santo Domingo with a booming, barrel-chested physique more in line with  the professional wrestling circuit of the 1970's than of baseball's Steroid Era-a Dominican Bobo Brazil, if you will. An affable teddy bear with limited English speaking skills (even though he's been in this country forever), his thick accent only makes him more affable and is totally in line with his status as "man of the people". And he's not the best looking dude in the world, which has an appeal to the everyday baseball fan that Rodriguez could never pretend to claim. Ortiz could run for mayor of Boston on a platform of legalizing crack and prostitution and pull out a victory. The same can't be said for A-Rod, who if he disappeared tomorrow Yankees fans wouldn't give one solitary flying fuck.

Rodriguez is probably one of the prettiest professional athletes to ever play, and I don't mean this as a compliment because it doesn't work to his advantage. His looks serve to generate even more disdain, if that's even possible. With his obnoxiously flawless and perpetually orange complexion (never any acne, dark circles under the eyes or 5 o'clock shadow-how the fuck is that even possible),  and extraterrestrial green eyes, he looks manufactured, like a heterosexual Ken doll. This also goes for his disingenuous public persona. The lack of passion and human emotion speaks to a man who's convinced nothing matters because he will always be alright.

There is a disconnect going on with him that is at odds with the sport and his place in it. He's never been through any hardships that we know of, didn't grow up rough, and didn't struggle to make the league. He floated right past his peers, straight out of high school and into the pros, taking his place amongst major league baseball's elite without breaking a sweat. He's not so much cool as he is a straight-up culo. His personality is all artifice, and his inability to put a human face on his recent struggles makes watching him play all the more insufferable.

He went through a divorce and it was like he was never married. Such a traumatic, life-altering experience did nothing to shake his resolve as the most emotionally disengaged, self-involved narcissist this side of Liberace. There IS such a thing as too much money, because his ex-wife took him to the cleaners (no pre-nup equals big losses in divorce court) and he acted as if he had misplaced his change purse. THAT is having too much fucking money.

A perfect example of this disconnect was on display during this year's playoffs. He bats .111 with 12 strikeouts in 9 games, gets benched like a hobo every time he faced a crucial at-bat, yet he's seen in the dugout mouthing the phrase "HI MOM!!!" into the camera like one of those bitches from the "Girls Gone Wild" videos right before exposing their breasts. Even major league rookies don't do that anymore.

While getting benched for non-performance, he still found time to court a couple of hoochies out in the stands instead of going into the clubhouse and dissecting video of himself not fucking hitting anything. Imagine getting paid all that money, doing nothing to earn it, and having the audacity to procure a prostitute-I mean an Australian swimsuit model-when you should be paying attention to the game-an important game, in the playoffs, which the Yankees lost in part to A-rod's complete impotence at the plate. This is a man who can go anywhere on this planet and get laid-so why the fuck not wait until AFTER the fucking game, where your antics won't make the headlines? Why make yourself look like a bigger ass than you already are? Because that's what culos do. And culos can't help themselves. Wherever culos go, there they are, being culos.

Say hello to the Australian Putas, handling "the balls" with aplomb-

They say to whom much is given, much is expected. This is the excuse Rodriguez gives for caving in to the pressure of using 'roids while at Texas, but I don't buy this. It was all too easy for him from the very beginning, and I believe he wanted to keep making his gargantuan feats of athletic prowess feel as easy as they looked. After his steroid admission, his stats went down faster than a hooker's panties. There is only one explanation for this-he was lying about the intensity of his PED regimen.

Y'all remember Manny Ramirez? After he was busted for steroids, he attempted to make a comeback. He garnered a grand total of two hits in the majors afterwards and was summarily done as a major league player. So quickly did he lose his talent to hit a baseball the only conclusion one can make is that steroids played a greater part in his career than he will ever admit to.

The same must be said for Rodriguez, whose been rumored to having began abusing steroids as a high school player. Whatever he did or didn't so, he'd better start a new PED regimen very soon. He needs to have a comeback year like his partner, Derek Jeter, whose geriatric resurgence will be addressed in our next edition of "Busting Chops".

The Steroid Brothers, recalling better times-

Bitch titties in action-

Rodriguez getting his bitch titties massaged in public-has there ever been a more grotesque sight?

Update-Monday, December 3rd 2012-
Alex Rodriguez will be out at least 4-6 months, and quite possibly longer due to impending hip surgery. The surgery will occur sometime in early January and will be performed by Dr. Bryan Kelly at NYC's Hospital for Special Surgery on his left hip to repair a torn labrum, bone impingement and correction of a cyst. This procedure is similar to the surgery he had on his right hip in 2009, and is an illustration that he is done as an effective major league ballplayer. Rodriguez will turn 38 next year and is owed $114 million dollars on a contract that runs through 2017.

With Rodriguez out and Jeter recovering form his injury, this means the Yankees will owe $45 million dollars to a third baseman and a shortstop (the heart of any infield) that are fucked up and may not play for most of next season. Very nice. Good luck trying to replace them, because there aren't any players at these positions available in the free agent market that will come in and do as well or better for bullshit money. The Yankees simply can't afford to sign any top-shelf free agents, not that there are any out there to begin with.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Film Recommendation of the week...

Flame and Citron
Release Date-July 31, 2009 [United States]
Running Time-2 hours and 16 minutes.
Danish/German/English w/English subtitles. 

This is a Danish drama/action film loosely based on two of the Holge Danske Resistance Fighters during the Nazi occupation of Denmark. These two cats, brilliantly played by actors Thure Lindhardt and Mads Mikkelsen, are caught in a web of deceit that ultimately is to become their undoing. They must navigate the double and triple crossings of international espionage, while being used and simultaneously betrayed by almost side they unwittingly aid and abet while attempting to cause as much damage to the Germans by assassinating leading Nazis and Danish collaborators alike.

Flame (played by Thure Lindhardt)

Citron (played by Mads Mikkelsen)

The real life Danish Resistance Fighters, Jorgen Haagen Schmith (Citron) and Bent Faurschou-Hviid (Flame)-

The obligatory femme fatale, splendidly portrayed by Stine Stengade, winds up causing the most damage, as she runs papers and documents for the resistance group while providing Hoffman, head of the German Gestapo  (portrayed by the always excellent Christian Berkel) information on their whereabouts, identities, and activities. She not only seduces the red-headed Danish avenger, she is also Hoffman's mistress.

These guys don't play around. They are dedicated to their cause and have no qualms about assassinating any high-ranking Nazi officials or native Danes in cahoots with the National Socialists. This inevitable brings them into conflict with their superiors, who send messages and assignments from the Danish government-in-exile in London. What winds up undermining their efforts are moments of indecision, failure to act decisively and betrayal from seemingly all sides. Authentic heroism under such trying circumstances rarely ends well in real life, as is the case here.

Let us take a moment to thank the European film community for going against the grain of redundant, homogenized, Hollywood crap and having the courage to stand behind projects such as this one, which are not only better acted, directed and filmed than your average, intellectually low-brow drivel (see anything starring Adam Sandler or Kevin James-oh, someone please make sure "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" is released on blu ray!!!) but are excellent examples of the many stories from the WW II era that need to be told.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Last Political Rant You'll Need to Read Before Casting Your Vote...

My fellow Americans, on the eve of the Presidential Election, certain inconsistencies need to be sorted out. I have steered clear of any political talk because it always turns into a gigantic pissing contest, and the arguments always devolve into who can shout the loudest and who can alienate the other with name-calling and increasingly shrill, vitriolic, anti-intellectual tripe. I've had enough of party affiliations, demagoguery and fanatical ideological Libertarian rants.

It's time we elect leaders whose IQ's are marginally above that of the average ape. No one fits that bill on the Republican side, so don't bother looking. Christine O'Donnell is the only batshit crazy Republican I'd vote for, but that's because she's one of the hottest pieces of Republican ass this side of all-time MILF Sarah Palin. Unfortunately, the drop-off from these two is seismic.

A recent poll undertaken by the political wing of "Busting Chops" lists Newt Gingrich as the third hottest piece of Right Wing ass, with Michele Backmann and Ann Coulter tied for fourth. Yes, that Anne Coulter, the Caucasian version of Creepela Gruesome from The Flintstones. No thanks on that one.

Ann Coulter, the greyhound-faced cunt of the Conservative Party-

-and her lost twin, Creepella Gruesome.

As for intellectually challenged primates running for public office, the Romney ticket includes the GOP constituency of angry, bloated, diabetes-withered racist white men who hate anything and anyone that isn't white. The morons who think climate change is a left-wing hoax propagated by the liberal media just got a taste of the damage we're doing to the environment right up their asses.

Is this the only way they'll learn?

 Yes, it is.

For the racists who've made the Republican Party their ideological trailer park home-away-from-home, humility must be learned the hard way, as their abodes and businesses wash away into the sea by relentless 90-mph winds or buried under 15 feet of sand that used to be the beach but is now at your doorstep and deeply embedded into the cracks of your fat white asses.

A couple of weeks ago Mitt Romney called for the obliteration of FEMA. Go ask Republican governor of New Jersey Chris "Krispy Kreme" Christie what he thinks of the idea now that the Jersey Shore has floated into the Atlantic, taking every Guido Juicehead with it. Romney is nothing but an empty vessel of unbridled ambition, devoid of a plan and even more devoid of convictions. He's the ultimate whore, saying anything that will get his base of old, angry, white Americans foaming at the mouth. His hollow, Gordon Gekko-esque pantomime reveals his disdain for people who actually work for a living, something he's never done a day in his life. And no, whatever he did to amass his fortune at Bain Capital doesn't constitute as real work.

He's stated he's not at all concerned with the 47% of Americans he derisively dismisses as "moochers", which in GOP jargon is code "people of color". This dingleberry needs to be buried alive in a shallow grave along with his core constituency, whose tireless screeching about minorities sapping the economic base of this great country with their welfare, food stamps and rampant crime needs to be stopped.

The Republican Party needs a message that will carry us forward, not take us back to the days of segregation, the Klan, and sambos like Ward Connerly and that stupid pizza guy with his "9-9-9" tax plan. By the way, he thought up this tax plan while attempting to dial 9-1-1 so an ambulance could take him to the hospital because he was concerned that the ability to talk out of his ass would be seriously hampered if he didn't have the extra large pepperoni pizza that was lodged in his rectum surgically removed. But that is exactly where Republicans want to go-backwards. And they want to take us all with them.

Prototypical angry suburban white man, working hard to make sure you feel his pain-

They want to take us backwards because they have no plan for the future. This is what happens when we elect brain-dead ideologues who are more beholden to the sick, twisted social and economic rantings of their patron saint Ayn Rand, whose disgusting, shriveled, pock-marked, urine-soaked carcass was disinterred long enough for her to write her incessantly boring magnum opus to unbridled greed and selfishness bombastically titled "Atlas shrugged". These assholes want to pass her ultra laissez- faire rodomontades as sane public policy. Atlas can shrug my balls.

Of all the problems we as a nation face, the right wingers can only prattle the swill of culture war rhetoric-it's always the gays, blacks, and Latinos who are bringing this country down. What would we do without the "job creators", who have been busy creating jobs in third world hellholes just so they don't have to pay workers a living wage in the United States? I got news for you Libertarian cocksuckers-there IS no Gault's Gulch. Such a place only exists in your racist, elitist fantasies where no good alter boy goes unmolested and no tax break is every big enough for you asswipes to start "creating" new jobs.

They want to turn the US into a gigantic slum where only the corporate elites get to live well and everyone else is left to fight over what's left. They think that's the best course for the economy-tax breaks for the wealthy and austerity for everyone else. They have done enough damage to the middle class over the years, and they need to be ousted from all three branches of the US government. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas needs to resign so he can go work at the only job he's intellectually qualified for-being the porter in the housing projects like Bookman from the 70's sitcom "Good Times".

Say good-bye to "Long Dong Silver"...

...and say hello to more "Good Times"!!!

And don't think Obama is any better. He's not. He never went after the criminals on Wall Street and they are STILL selling credit default swaps like crack on an urban street corner while making enormous, record-shattering profits every quarter. We could have had electric cars years ago if not for the oil lobby and their concerted efforts to kill what was then considered new and exciting technology that would have benefited not only the environment but regular everyday people as well.

Obama's health care plan was one gigantic economic surge for private insurance companies  when the fact of the matter is a single payer option is what is best for uninsured Americans. Get those blood-sucking vultures out of the health care business and maybe we can see some sanity in medical costs. Some things cannot be left to the private sector-they have no conscience and no morals, and will always put profit over what is best for  the country.

It's time we ask more from our leaders and leave the culture wars to the radical fringe of the Republican Party and the racist rednecks who agree with them.

-The only people obsessed with gays are sexually repressed right-wingers who go to sleep dreaming of the day Rocco Siffredi fucks them in the ass.

-The only people obsessed with race are the nerds who attended Division-I colleges and fester a lifelong hatred of blacks who orgy-fucked their pristine Caucasian girlfriends and scored all those touchdowns they never could because they sucked as athletes.

-The only people obsessed with minorities are the ones who despise them because they themselves would never consider working hard at jobs that pay so little. This is America, after all. Why should a self-respecting Republican have to work hard when Pedro will mow the lawn for pennies on the dollar?

I understand it's hard to think clearly when all you can afford for dinner is a can of Chef Boyardee Beef Pillows and Kool-Aid pre-mixed juice boxes. But my fellow white trash redneck motherfuckers, this election is about you, too. This election isn't about keeping Obama in office so much as it's about keeping Romney OUT. Honey Boo Boo would find logic in this strategy, even if her fat, no-necked, possum pie eating parents would disagree.

To the assholes from the "red" states who burned Obama in effigy at those Teabagger rallies while painting Hitler mustaches on his face and calling him a socialist, let's get with some facts-

1) Obama kept the tax cuts for the richest Americans intact. Not that it effected YOU any, but we know votig agsinst your best interests is what you do so well.

2) Obama is a friend to the crooks on Wall Street. the Frank-Dodd bill is a toothless piece of legislative crap I wouldn't use to clean a crime scene with.

3) Distribution of wealth-no one has been able to make a coherent argument about this. Obama did increase unemployment and food stamp benefits because, and please listen carefully all you dumb-ass fuckers, WHEN HE TOOK OFFICE WE WERE IN THE WORST FINANCIAL CRISIS SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION. Do you meatheads understand the concept of not letting people starve?

4) Not everybody is on food stamps. The majority of people on public assistance (about 70%) are children under the age of 18. I understand most redneck females are grandmothers by this age, but that's how they roll south of the Mason-Dixon line. And of course, the Ayn Rand fetishists don't understand why these useless non-productive members of society can't get jobs in coal mines so they can pull their own weight, but  the highly regarded and esteemed "job creators" have managed to ship those jobs to China, too, where non-union slave wage labor is the rule and not the exception.

5) And finally, when you run out of lies as reasons to despise Obama and are prepared to admit ya just don't like him 'cause he's black, let "Busting Chops" political correspondent and professional comedian Chris Rock set you straight on that one-