Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Alex Rodriguez Dilemma...

The New York Yankees have a dilemma on their hands-what to do with Alex Rodriguez? No one will trade for him. His contract is not only monstrous, the years he has left are devoid of any quality. He was paid an even $30 million this year, and just look at the production-it's despicable. He did absolutely nothing, and came up woefully short yet again in the post season when the Yanks needed him most after Derek Jeter suffered a n injury that took him out of the playoffs. Rodriguez swung the bat like a hairdresser trying to swat a fly this year. His bat speed has totally abandoned him, he's a defensive liability at third base, and he remains one of the most unlikable figures in modern-day sport.

Let's go over his stats year-by-year so we can pinpoint the demise-

The Apotheosis-
2007-54 HR, 156 RBI, .314 BA

Typical monster year for A-Rod. Exactly what one would expect from the highest=paid player in the major leagues. Not only was he slamming homers with reckless abandon, he was crushing everything being thrown at him. As a baseball fan, his sublime talents were a joy to behold. This is the A-Rod the Yankees paid for when trading for him from the Texas Rangers.

The Fall-Off-
2008-35 HR, 103 RBI, .302 BA

2009-30 HR, 100 RBI, .286 BA

2010-30 HR, 125 RBI, .270 BA

The drop-off becomes apparent. In between these years, he tacitly admits what many were thinking-that he was a steroid abuser. During this time he also becomes mysteriously injury-prone, missing huge swaths of pklaying time and having one surgery after another-never a good sign for an aging ball player with many, many years and tons of money left on his contract.

The Abyss-
2011-16 HR, 62 RBI, .276 BA

2012-18 HR, 57 RBI, .272 BA

No longer is he the A-Rod of old. That player is NEVER coming back. One of the attractions of having him under contract, given its' prodigious length and girth, was Rodriguez's eventual assault on the all-time home run record. The Yankees were banking on this, and they crapped the fuck out.

The Image-
It's really difficult to wrap one's arms around Alex Rodriguez, both the player and the man. His celebrity engulfs him like a cloud of mustard gas. He's like one of those Wall Street tycoons who are so overcompensated it's difficult to fathom how he wakes up in the morning without feeling so above the rest of the human race. Rodriguez was one of those few uber-talented specimens whose skills set him so far apart from even the most talented players of his generation that it seems he was born of another species.

Take for example Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz. A talented player in his own right, he fought his way out of the slums of Santo Domingo with a booming, barrel-chested physique more in line with  the professional wrestling circuit of the 1970's than of baseball's Steroid Era-a Dominican Bobo Brazil, if you will. An affable teddy bear with limited English speaking skills (even though he's been in this country forever), his thick accent only makes him more affable and is totally in line with his status as "man of the people". And he's not the best looking dude in the world, which has an appeal to the everyday baseball fan that Rodriguez could never pretend to claim. Ortiz could run for mayor of Boston on a platform of legalizing crack and prostitution and pull out a victory. The same can't be said for A-Rod, who if he disappeared tomorrow Yankees fans wouldn't give one solitary flying fuck.

Rodriguez is probably one of the prettiest professional athletes to ever play, and I don't mean this as a compliment because it doesn't work to his advantage. His looks serve to generate even more disdain, if that's even possible. With his obnoxiously flawless and perpetually orange complexion (never any acne, dark circles under the eyes or 5 o'clock shadow-how the fuck is that even possible),  and extraterrestrial green eyes, he looks manufactured, like a heterosexual Ken doll. This also goes for his disingenuous public persona. The lack of passion and human emotion speaks to a man who's convinced nothing matters because he will always be alright.

There is a disconnect going on with him that is at odds with the sport and his place in it. He's never been through any hardships that we know of, didn't grow up rough, and didn't struggle to make the league. He floated right past his peers, straight out of high school and into the pros, taking his place amongst major league baseball's elite without breaking a sweat. He's not so much cool as he is a straight-up culo. His personality is all artifice, and his inability to put a human face on his recent struggles makes watching him play all the more insufferable.

He went through a divorce and it was like he was never married. Such a traumatic, life-altering experience did nothing to shake his resolve as the most emotionally disengaged, self-involved narcissist this side of Liberace. There IS such a thing as too much money, because his ex-wife took him to the cleaners (no pre-nup equals big losses in divorce court) and he acted as if he had misplaced his change purse. THAT is having too much fucking money.

A perfect example of this disconnect was on display during this year's playoffs. He bats .111 with 12 strikeouts in 9 games, gets benched like a hobo every time he faced a crucial at-bat, yet he's seen in the dugout mouthing the phrase "HI MOM!!!" into the camera like one of those bitches from the "Girls Gone Wild" videos right before exposing their breasts. Even major league rookies don't do that anymore.

While getting benched for non-performance, he still found time to court a couple of hoochies out in the stands instead of going into the clubhouse and dissecting video of himself not fucking hitting anything. Imagine getting paid all that money, doing nothing to earn it, and having the audacity to procure a prostitute-I mean an Australian swimsuit model-when you should be paying attention to the game-an important game, in the playoffs, which the Yankees lost in part to A-rod's complete impotence at the plate. This is a man who can go anywhere on this planet and get laid-so why the fuck not wait until AFTER the fucking game, where your antics won't make the headlines? Why make yourself look like a bigger ass than you already are? Because that's what culos do. And culos can't help themselves. Wherever culos go, there they are, being culos.

Say hello to the Australian Putas, handling "the balls" with aplomb-

They say to whom much is given, much is expected. This is the excuse Rodriguez gives for caving in to the pressure of using 'roids while at Texas, but I don't buy this. It was all too easy for him from the very beginning, and I believe he wanted to keep making his gargantuan feats of athletic prowess feel as easy as they looked. After his steroid admission, his stats went down faster than a hooker's panties. There is only one explanation for this-he was lying about the intensity of his PED regimen.

Y'all remember Manny Ramirez? After he was busted for steroids, he attempted to make a comeback. He garnered a grand total of two hits in the majors afterwards and was summarily done as a major league player. So quickly did he lose his talent to hit a baseball the only conclusion one can make is that steroids played a greater part in his career than he will ever admit to.

The same must be said for Rodriguez, whose been rumored to having began abusing steroids as a high school player. Whatever he did or didn't so, he'd better start a new PED regimen very soon. He needs to have a comeback year like his partner, Derek Jeter, whose geriatric resurgence will be addressed in our next edition of "Busting Chops".

The Steroid Brothers, recalling better times-

Bitch titties in action-

Rodriguez getting his bitch titties massaged in public-has there ever been a more grotesque sight?

Update-Monday, December 3rd 2012-
Alex Rodriguez will be out at least 4-6 months, and quite possibly longer due to impending hip surgery. The surgery will occur sometime in early January and will be performed by Dr. Bryan Kelly at NYC's Hospital for Special Surgery on his left hip to repair a torn labrum, bone impingement and correction of a cyst. This procedure is similar to the surgery he had on his right hip in 2009, and is an illustration that he is done as an effective major league ballplayer. Rodriguez will turn 38 next year and is owed $114 million dollars on a contract that runs through 2017.

With Rodriguez out and Jeter recovering form his injury, this means the Yankees will owe $45 million dollars to a third baseman and a shortstop (the heart of any infield) that are fucked up and may not play for most of next season. Very nice. Good luck trying to replace them, because there aren't any players at these positions available in the free agent market that will come in and do as well or better for bullshit money. The Yankees simply can't afford to sign any top-shelf free agents, not that there are any out there to begin with.

No comments:

Post a Comment