Monday, March 5, 2012

Snooki is Pregnant...

It turns out that Snooki from the reality series/rectal sludgefest "Jersey Shore" is engaged and pregnant. This news is about as harrowing to the rest of civilized society as Iran obtaining nuclear weapons and hiring the Iron Sheik to man the controls. Just imagine for one moment, a young lady who's spent most of her useless life binge-drinking, serial fucking complete strangers, and contracting multiple urinary tract infections with apparent glee. Her life revolves around perpetuating the persona of a wacked-out carnival sideshow freak, captured for posterity on TV. This time the freak isn't some lady with a beard, or a midget born with no limbs crawling around on the floor performing tricks like in the circuses of yore.

No, this freak is frighteningly like other impressionable, insecure young ladies who see the attention, fame and money Snooki has garnered ever since she stalked out of the wilds of Poughkeepsie, New York like some rampaging, Special-Ed Bigfoot, hell-bent on exploiting every shortcut and loophole there is to stardom, with absolutely no talent and an ingratiating personality that calls out for a mercy death. She needs to be put down once and for all. Not for her sake, but for ours.

Not only is this not happening, but MTV is filming, as we speak, a spin-off series in Jersey City with Snooki and her only slightly less annoying friend J-Woww. We are going to be subjected to more of this fat cow's blood-curdling, cringe-inducing shrieks for attention, except the show's producers are at a loss as to how to fit cigarette smoking, fetal alcohol syndrome and bulimia into this twisted scenario of irresponsible, out-of-wedlock motherhood.

In the "Jersey Shore", every despicable, anti-social personality trait Freud ever dreamed up is propped up as a virtue, on display and for all to envy. This is a world bereft of shame, where bodily functions are a topic of conversation that MUST be televised. Snooki peeing on herself at a club isn't grotesque, it's just "Snooki being Snooki". Snooki belching, farting and exposing her combination vagina/anus in a public club (because in the world of Jersey Shore voyeurism, ya can't have one without the other) falls into the same category, which is why her best friend J-Woww scolds her boyfriend for having the audacity to get upset. The logic here is, he knew what he was getting into and has no right to complain or expect his woman to act like a lady. 

Snooki's unfortunate boyfriend exhibiting some semblance of shame at the antics of his surrealistically unhinged girlfriend is an anathema to the whole premise of the show. J-Woww, in an increasingly retarded attempt to appear as some sort of avuncular sage (replete with the worst boob-job in the history of trailer park chic) states unironically that Snooki deserves someone who "won't try to change her". As if change were the worst thing that could ever happen to this two-legged septic tank.

Jionni must of have been aware of Snooki's on-air persona way before they hooked up. Yet even with all of her botchulisitc behavior, he not only decided to make her his girlfriend, he was having unprotected sex with her while sending her off to the Jersey Shore, a petri dish of venereal diseases that makes Ancient Rome look like a monastery. What the fuck is up with this moron? Is money and fame so important for these Guido freaks that dignity and self-respect is so casually dismissed as long as they're on television?  Are there no lines these rabid, disease-ridden baboons won't cross?

Imagine for a second the radiation released into the atmosphere from the Chernobyl nuclear reactor accident. The surrounding area in Ukraine is uninhabitable for practically the next 50,00 years. It has become one gigantic, abandoned theme park dedicated to the ineptitude of man's inability to harness something so powerful and potentially life-threatening. In other words, this is how you fuck something up big-time.

Then consider the toxic porridge that consists of Snooki's daily beauty regimen and you will see the similarities-spray tanning, body spray, hair extensions from dead Chinese slave laborers, hair spray, makeup, and scented vaginal spray (if your snatch doesn't smell like the Jersey Turnpike, you ain't doin' it right!!!). Throw in a diet consisting of Ron-Ron Juice (steroids, whiskey and protein powder), take-out pizza and pickles and you'll have Jack Lalanne throwing his juicer out the window in disgust. 

Mix this concoction up Jersey-style, which means not in a blender but by gratuitously falling on the floor whenever a camera is on you to make up for the fact you've got nothing new, exiting or remotely humorous to say, which is every five minutes. This is what this poor child living inside Snooki's snatchpit is being nourished with. All while being singed to a crisp from her double-time tanning salon sessions. Add her boyfriend Jionni's obvious steroid abuse and you have serious genetic troubles brewing for this unborn child.

Conveniently, none of this matters. Snooki's psyche can only be compared to sticking one's head in the hole of a third world outhouse. It is dark, crawling with unidentified vermin that Charles Darwin would be at a loss to categorize, and it stinks. And to think she had successfully marginalized herself by behaving like the drunken, promiscuous oaf she is from the moment she stormed into the Shore house and announced "Party's Here!!! Wooooh!!!" to a bunch of seriously jaded, arrogant and unimpressed cast members. This would have been her chance to self-correct her abysmal behavior, but as it happens all too often in life, she found her dysfunctional niche and rode it into the sunset.

She was Season 1's outcast and was actually considering going back home in a defeated, lumpen heap until she got punched in the face by the gym teacher while sucking down mad shots of booze. Suddenly she morphed into everyone's cute little cunt muffin, and the sympathy she derived from this attack was the catalyst for her comeback. Everyone suddenly rallied around her, and now we are stuck with this bloated, perpetually vaginally-yeast infected Guido warthog. How unfortunate for us. We almost dodged a bullet there, yet it remained squarely on-target and we are here now having to deal with the consequences.

The mantra for having to deal with shit like this used to be, "You can't stop her, you can only hope to contain her". Snooki's fifteen minutes were due to phase out this year, now that the latest episodes of "Jersey Shore" are peetering out with the painful and boring end to a horrible show that USED to be entertaining. Now this latest twist. But no one is ready for Snooki the mother. The reason why she's so popular is because she represents the bottom end of the personality disorders many viewers wish they had the courage to unleash on the world but cannot, because society has rules when there is no one around to applaud the lunacy.

The overriding principle of the "Jersey Shore" lifestyle is the casual dismissal of one sex partner after another like they were display window mannequins made out of human flesh. Nothing moves forward or backwards without this dynamic in place. The show does us the favor of exposing Guido culture for what it is-filthy white trash with too much money and not enough pride to behave like the cultured, educated and talented people they claim to represent. There is nothing uplifting about the message this show sends out, and it's an outrage that these cretins devolved from the same country that gave us Michelangelo and da Vinci. Somewhere in Hell, Benito Mussolini is saying "Y'all should have kept me on. This would have never happened"-

This type of behavior is what passes for engaging personality traits, because being thoughtful and intelligent would be too much work. Snooki is imbued with enough self-awareness to realize what the formula is to TV reality royalty. To get what you want without working, you need to act like a jag-off in front of the cameras. The world will notice and yes, ye too shall be paid. We created this horrid beast by paying attention to every drunken fall, every lame-ass hook-up and break-up, and every sound emanating from her rotting orifices as if something were truly funny about a twenty-something behaving like a mental patient with a weekend pass to the beach. And every time we pay attention, American pop culture loses a little bit of its' soul. How the fuck we went from "The Osmonds" to "The Guidos" is beyond me, but here we are.

I'll leave the last word to a reader of London's "The Daily Mail", who put the whole situation in its' proper context-

"She's trash, and she should be sterilized. You need a license to own a gun, you should also need a license to breed. Is it only the fat, stupid pigs that reproduce these days?"

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