Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Charlie Sheen Chronicles...

I'm not so jaundiced as to pretend this latest series of free fall interviews by "Two and a Half Men" sitcom star Charlie Sheen is beneath us. In fact, it's right up our alley. Aside from the psychologically unhinged nature of the interviews themselves, I've found the coverage to be just as hilarious. The incessant quest towards some breakthrough insight from every corner of the media market that will somehow help us understand the deeper meaning of it all is just as funny as Sheen's Chernobyl-esque implosion. I'll spare you the trouble and let you know right now-there is no deeper meaning. What we are witnessing is the remnants of a drug and sex-fueled mental illness explosion that up until now had remained relatively in check in terms of public perception. No more.

Charlie Sheen is the poster boy for every entitled, rich brat motherfucker whose parents let him do whatever he wanted, a guy who came into this Earth with no moral pre-set spending limit; his libido, ego and id simultaneously allowed to run amok over every conventional limitation that exist to harness one's wildest impulses. He was born too good looking, too wealthy, talented enough to get steady work and with way too much access to gratuitous sex and recreational drugs. Except the sex and drugs went far beyond a recreation-they became a vocation. He worked only to get high and have enough money to overspend on porn stars that would have fucked him for free (herein lies the biggest irony of all). This is a guy who was kicked out of high school and was caught stealing his father's credit card to pay for hookers when he was 15 years of age (who says the youth of America have no direction?). Sheen knew what he wanted from an early age, and he sallied forth in the pursuit of all the drugs, alcohol, late-night parties and prostitutes it would take to satiate his intolerably immense appetite for the seedy side of life.

Sheen has spent most of his life gorging himself on the excesses of the good life. In between parties he acted in enough movies and TV series to bankroll the madness, and despite himself he was until very recently the highest paid actor on television, making $2 million dollars per episode, which is the equivalent of what Alex Rodriguez makes hitting into double plays for the New York Yankees.

During his latest interview with ABC news program "20/20", his twin sons were forcibly removed from his house by the police. Living with two whores would do that. One is a "model" who recently posed on the cover of a pro-marijuana magazine and the other a straight-up porn star (aptly nicknamed "The Goddesses"). The other thing could have been the drug-fueled escapades and episodes of violence that have made front line news all over the world.

Charlie Sheen has effectively shut down a top-rated situation comedy that is collectively losing a grand total of $250 million dollars. CBS has promised to pay the staff (but not the actors) for four of the eight missed episodes, but that's not good enough for Sheen. He also wants to get paid and plans to sue for as much as possible. He has also insulted the show's producer with a Jewish racial slur on a radio program. On top of all that he wants a 50% raise to 3 million dollars an episode.

It is clear this man has passed the point of no return. He's lived this type of life way too long to ever make the transition back to reality. The reality we mere mortals have to deal with-the boredom, the disappointments and frustrations of everyday life-is something he knows nothing about, and cynically mocks to no end. He's just going to get crazier and crazier, and the only thing that will cause a crash will be an overdose or the loss of his fortune. Being born a rich kid with matinee-idol looks with acting chops is usually a recipe for an amazing life. But Sheen decided to drag himself through the mud, giving in to his most crass, low-brow desires, all the while convincing himself while on this Vaseline-lubricated ride down Hades Highway that most men if given the opportunity would behave the same way, and any criticism from the public is just a frustrated expression of jealousy from people who would kill to live like him. We have witnessed his metamorphosis from Hollywood's eternal good-time party boy to a disturbingly bizarro-twin brother mutant of Travis Bickle, minus the taxi cab-

Charlie Sheen is a one-dimensional cartoon character who differs from the reality-show stars currently infecting the cable channels of America in that he actually has acting talent. Unfortunately reality TV is full of useless, vacuous slugs devoid of any redeeming qualities, and in this regard he is no different. Every time we turn around there is a new television show that garners massive ratings by culling the immense wellspring of material that lies of the bottom of the barrel of the human experience. These people are beyond mere swine wallowing in their own excrement. They do damage every time someone watches them on TV and thinks it's cool to be an utter and complete asshole, just as long as the cameras keep rolling. Worse than all this, that anyone with the audacity to criticize them is simply acting out a hatred based on jealousy that they are famous and we are not.

It has become increasingly difficult to fathom a world without these fleabitten vermin infecting our daily lives, from the proudly self-proclaimed Guido White Trash of "Jersey Shore" to the tiresome, bloated, gold-digging robo-whores of "NBA Wives". But the real damage that's done no one gives a shit about. Those poor kids who were brought into this world never asked to be cursed with a father like Charlie Sheen, who has devolved into a babbling, incoherent, stream-of-consciousness spewing, mentally warped, middle-aged mental patient whose youthful good looks are fast giving way to a wrinkled, decrepit pallor reminiscent of an embalmed corpse. My guess is (and I hope I'm wrong) those innocent, adorable twin sons of his will grow up and, lacking any real talent of their own, will take the low road and decide to cash in on their father's pathetic and dysfunctional infamy for a chance at becoming reality show baboons, getting high, trashing hotel rooms and cavorting with whores just like dad used to do before he died of a massive heart attack. Let's hope LA is under the fifty feet of water Nostradamus prophesied by the time that happens.

But if not, I'll make sure to stay tuned. Let's face it-who doesn't like watching a good car wreck?

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