Thursday, December 6, 2012

The 2012 Golden Turkey Awards Pt.II...

5) Levi Leipheimer

I cannot tell you how much this insipid little douchebag annoys me. What type of asshole gets fired by Patrick Lefevere after admitting to have doped earlier in his career as part of an investigation? It's like getting fired by Pablo Escobar for drug smuggling. When Tyler Hamilton spoke of a cycling "mafia", he was inadvertently referring to Lefevere, who for some reason has managed to avoid being mentioned in any of the major doping scandals coming out of pro cycling despite being one of the most powerful figures in Belgian cycling. That is un-fucking believable. Monumental hypocrisy aside, Levi will never ride for another continental pro team again, and good riddance to him.

Leipheimer never came out with a full disclosure of his drug-addled cycling career, much of it laughable to the extent that as hard as he tried as team leader at Rabobank and Gerolsteiner, he never did shit in any of the grand tours to warrant team leadership duties. Sure, he killed it at the Tour of California, but what else would you expect from a race that 1) never has an A-List of cyclists to make it competitive  2) the courses always sucked, and 3) administers no drug testing protocols? I love how Levi was sucker-punched  first by Johan Bruyneel once it became public that he testified against Lance Armstrong, and now by Lefevere when the Armstrong debacle finally played itself out to its' inevitable conclusion.

Armstrong and Leipheimer, in happier times-

Suddenly, that arrogant smirk Leipheimer had on his face during interviews at the 2009 Tour de France is gone. You know, the patronizing grin he had when he pleasingly sided with Armstrong, who tried to bully Alberto Contador out of his rightful place as team leader. The fateful stage during the race when Contador attacked in the mountains and Armstrong couldn't keep up, Levi was one of the team riders who gleefully went to the press about how the attack wasn't in the team plans, but that he didn't expect Contador to obey team orders. What a fucking schmuck. How dare this Mongoloid-headed freak throw his own teammate under the bus like that? But as we know now, payback is quite the bitch. Which is why Contador is still riding and Levi "se fue para el carajo"...

Which is also why he's now getting thrown under the bus with this well-deserved Golden Turkey award. Fuck you, Levi, and fuck your stupid documentary that no one went to see. Funny how it wasn't mentioned in this vomit-inducing piece of swill how you were doping as far back as 1999, according to this latest confession from ex-coach Rick Crawford-

The Levi Effect: The Untold Story of Levi Leipheimer
In select theatres October 23, 2012.
In the rubbish bin October 24th.

4) George Hincapie
Couldn't let the year pass without giving this dickwad his proper comeuppance. Hincapie has made a reputation as one of the most well-respected riders in the peloton. How he's managed this is a mystery that defies all logic. This is a man who doped while riding for the US national squad, which included teammate Lance Armstrong and my favorite assclown of all time Chris Carmichael, Armstrong's lifelong coach, who seemed totally befuddled as to Lance's doping. Really, motherfucker? You didn't have a fucking clue this freak was doped to the gills his whole career? What a coach!!! I can see it now-

Chris Carmichael observing Armstrong's blood values and power output-"Gee, hematocrit has gone up 25% despite two weeks of hard training, and he's putting out 879 watts of power per kilogram. Well!!! Nothing suspicious about these values!!! I guess my coaching techniques are working!!!"

Back to George. This asshole made his rep as a "quiet" leader, meaning he quietly led himself to the cabinet for the needles, syringes, and the grotesque amounts of HgH, testosterone and EPO it took for him to ply his trade like the cheating, conniving son of a bitch he is. Then he has the nerve, the audacity, to put out a fucking video to propagate the self-aggrandizing portrayal of himself as a hard-working, honest-as-apple-pie-eating American bike rider who, aw shucks and golly gee, just works hard and is a nice guy.

Turns out Hincapie spent every single moment during all of Lance Armstrong's recently stripped Tour titles doped to his eyeballs-that is seven years of lying and profiting from a false persona that never existed. He'll never admit to it because that's how snakes are, but I'm here to tell you he's doped his whole career going back to his amateur days when he used to slay the fields in Central Park in New York City as a lanky, dorky, horse-faced teenager.

If any of you wounded fanboys ever run into George Hincapie in person, ask him about the drugs he took as a junior rider, supplied by friends and family members and procured from his native Colombia. Or about the treatment he is said to have received for deep vein thrombosis in his leg a few years ago that doctors described as being caused by his massive EPO abuse.

Go ahead, George. Tell all the fans you've deceived for so long the truth. I'm sure they'll forgive you, because you're such a nice fucking guy. Go fuck yourself, and I hope you choke on your Golden turkey award. Gobble, gobble, motherfucker.

3) Floyd Mayweather

There has been one and only one obstacle to the now deflated, nobody-gives-a-flying-fuck match between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, and that has been Mayweather. His tactic was simple-make up a myriad of excuses, press upon Pacquiao demands no other fighter would agree to, like Olympic-style drug testing, giving up the majority of the purse to Mayweather win or lose, and all types of other dumb shit like constantly bickering with promoter Bob Arum. But in between this nonsense, there have been the antics of an idiot run amok.

First off, he does three months of jail time for domestic violence. He's rather beat up his poor, hapless girlfriend than get into the ring with a real fighter, which throughout his career he's managed to avoid. Sorry, but the list of pencil-necked geeks this bum has fought would make Classy Freddie Blassy roll over in his grave. Mayweather has managed, like the illustrious George Hincapie mentioned above, to carve out a reputation as a one of the best fighters that ever lived with smoke and mirrors. There aren't even a handful of fighters this guy has faced who could have given him a good fight, and the one man who can he's avoided because he's scared. Not a little bit scared, but chicken-shit scared.

The reason this fight, if ever held, will be completely bogus is because too much time has already elapsed. Fighters in the boxing game age very quickly, and what would have been the fight of the century three or four years ago will be nothing but a cynical payday for both fighters. If anyone caught Pacquiao's last fight, you can tell he's losing it. as for Mayweather, the only thing he's lost is his dignity, which was reclaimed by the rapper and resident thug-as-businessman 50 Cent.

Here's the story-Fitty and Mayweather were entered into some sort of business agreement, and Mayweather owed homeboy some loot, which according to our sources was in the neighborhood of $1 million juevos. While horsing around in his bedroom, Mayweather decided to take out a few stacks of loot and wanted Fitty to pose for the cameras, which he obliged. It then hit the good sir that "hey, this money's mine". After a brief spell where words were exchanged, SeƱor Centavo fucked Mayweather the fuck up. Fitty then took it upon himself to collect on said debt without the courtesy of a court-appointed arbitrator, because that's how it's done in the 'hood, just in case y'all muthafuckas don't know.

This is the type of stupid shit Mayweather gets involved with, all while making ignorant, racist bullshit youtube videos attacking Pacquiao and his Asian heritage. That's how an ignorant, ghetto-ass chump promotes a fight. This is why Mayweather needs to get knocked the fuck out. Not just out of the ring, but out of the arena. I hope Pacquiao punches him so hard that Mayweather goes flying into orbit, so we can all see how far into space a human turd can reach.

Update-December 9, 2012
Manny Pacquiao has been knocked out in the 6th round of his fourth fight agianst Juan Manuel Marquez. I believe this will put such a damper on the alleged meeting between Pacquio and Mayweather that it will decrease the size of the purse and the overall enthusiasm by the general public will wane. This fight should have taken place three years ago, and now it looks like it will never happen. It is clear from Pacquiao's last three fights that either age is catching up to him or he no longer has the desire to fight. This is understandable, given that he is a millionaire and has other activities in his life that occupy his time. He no longer needs to get punched in the face for a living, and at this stage in his life he has nothing to prove.

2) Dwight Howard/The Orlando Magic
It was of little consolation that the Orlando Magic beat the LA Lakers the other day, utilizing the already tiresome "Hack-a-Howard" tactic of fouling Lakers center Dwight Howard and letting him hang himself from the charity stripe. This last season has been a case study in how not to let some prima donna asshole athlete hold your franchise hostage with bouts of indecision and ever-changing demands that in the end Howard did not stick around to see through. The Magic fired a perfectly good, if manic and mentally disjointed coach in Stan Van Gundy for the sake of appeasing Howard, who spent most of last year telling everyone he either wanted to stay or get traded, usually in the same sentence. Imagine being poor Jameer Nelson, an overachieving, quality point guard with the heart of a lion who had to pick up the paper every morning and read about how the star center of his team wants to play with someone better. Howard never struck me as the most mature, level-headed pro basketball player out there, and his taste in women is a testament to that. Yes, a hoochie who used to dance for the team and is now a reality TV celebu-twat is not my idea of a dream mother for my children.

Orlando agreed to his demands, and Howard accused the organization of blackmailing him into signing on for one more year before becoming an unrestricted free agent. The Magic tried to put together a championship team, even taking on the bloated contracts of Rashard Lewis and Gilbert Arenas at different times within the last few years. Almost every single move they made after their 2009 championship run had been a debacle of epic proportions, all done to appease this immature man-freak. The Magic fucked up one move after another  with a revolving door of hobos like Vince Carter and Hedo Turkoglu part 2 (the first stint he had with the Magic was great. This one, not so much) instead of leaving well enough alone and letting the coach do his job with the players he had.

As much as I like Stan Van Gundy, he must also take responsibility for fucking up what may have been his only chance at an NBA ring. I am referring specifically to his decision to play Jameer Nelson when he was clearly not 100% after a shoulder injury that required surgery during the season instead of giving Rafer Alston the majority of the minutes when it counted. And during pivotal moments of the series, the Magic did not go to their kingpin in the low post, preferring to shoot jump shots and not look for Howard in the paint. That is on the coach.

So the Magic clean house, firing their coach, general manager and trading Howard for I-don't-know-who the fuck. All I know is the whole saga has been been terrible for both sides, and there is some karmic schadenfreude in all of that. The Lakers suck, Dwight Howard may not re-sign with them for next year, and his back may never allow him to be the player he once was.

If any of you think this isn't serious,, just go back to the archives and watch the type of player Larry Johnson became after e hurt his back. His explosiveness was gone, and he was never the same. This season Orlando is unwatchable, but that was to be expected. The point is a pro team should not allow themselves to be manipulated by one player regardless of what they mean to the franchise, because in the end if they are looking at free agency they can make life terrible for everyone and still leave. The Oklahoma Thunder did what they thought was best and let James Harden go. Harden went and signed a max contract with the Houston Rockets, but have you see those motherfuckers play lately? Not too impressive.

1) Hein Verbruggen/Pat McQuaid

Hein Verbruggen and"Fat" Pat McQuaid win the top spot this year for being the poster children of ingrained, entrenched,  institutionalized corruption. Organizations that are meant to protect people from malfeasance yet do the exact opposite have become par for the course in our society, and the UCI has shown itself to walk in lockstep with this cynical, entrenched outlook. Why was Hein Verbruggen, McQuaid's predecessor and the man who oversaw Lance Armstrong's drug-fueled Tour reign, given honorary status for life after he leaves office? Why is this man allowed to hold any influence over the happenings at the UCI? Because that's how it is.

Why does the UCI control drug testing when 85% of the budget for anti-doping is paid for by each individual professional cycling team? Why were Armstrong and then-team director Johan Bruyneel allowed anywhere NEAR a UCI-accredited lab to witness the testing procedures AFTER Armstrong had tested positive at the Tour de Swisse in 2001? Why were positive tests covered up for Arsmtrong and not other riders? Why did McQuaid attempt to wrest jurisdiction of the USADA investigation from Travis Tygart, head of the US Anti-Doping Agency? Why was McQuaid quoted as saying that regardless of the investigation's findings that Armstrong is "still a great champion", only to change his tune once he received the dossier? Why did then, under immense pressure, state that "Armstrong has no place in cycling"? Why did he go around compelling riders and team managers/support staff NOT to cooperate with the USADA investigation?

Why? Why? Why? Because McQuaid is an exemplar of what is wrong with corporate/governing institutions. When you have stupid, bloated, power-mongering, intellectual mediocrities whose only reason for being is gaining and consolidating advantages to suit their personal agendas, everyone under their thumb suffers. And for anyone accusing me of being an anti-doping yahoo, get your head out of your ass. I'm just speaking truth to stupidity. I have friends who race on the local amateur circuit who have told me to a man they would not let their sons ride competitively. Cycling, from the amateur ranks all the way up to the pros, is all about needles, syringes and doping products. If you want to win or even stay anywhere near the front of the pack, ONE MUST DOPE. It's getting so pathetic that motherfuckers are doping just to participate in their local training rides.

This has been covered on "Busting Chops" when a local master's racer was caught using EPO in a gran fondo ride in New York. This is not an issue of governance, but an illustration of how vile, petty and creepy most Type-A personality assholes are about winning at all costs. The corporate, mercenary, "win-at-all-costs" ethos that Armstrong ushered into pro cycling has infiltrated even the humblest of amateur ranks, but the UCI under Verbruggen and McQuaid aided and abetted it from the top down by accepting bribes from Armstrong, covering up his positive dope tests, and attempting to invalidate the USADA investigation.

And, irony of ironies, Armstrong has no recourse. At this point, if he rats out Verbruggen and McQuaid it will make absolutely no difference. As vindictive as he's been shown to be towards anyone who's ever crossed him, the UCI will remain untouchable. The characters come and go, with each successive scandal continuing to burn the sport of cycling, yet the institutional rot at the UCI will forever remain, thanks to assholes like Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid.

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