Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Three Amigos...

Today I present to you the Trifecta of Stupid-Alex Rodriguez, Ray Lewis and Manti Te'o. The year has barely begun and we are already knee-deep in some of the biggest bullshit stories this side of a horse's ass.

A few years ago, Alex Rodriguez went on television and straight-up lied about his steroid use. He then later  admitted (when he got busted, of course) to being a user while at Texas. But instead of coming clean, he kept lying. He threw his own cousin, Yuri Sucart, under the bus, saying this pathetic dupe was the one procuring the drugs for him from the Dominican Republic. All throughout the myriad of injections and Yuri's trips to the Dominican Republic to procure said PED's, Rodriguez claimed to have been blissfully unaware of the products and doses administered by this idiot. In other words, A-Rod had no answers for anyone wanting to know the truth. Remember his infamous quote when asked about the details of his steroid regimen (I paraphrase)-"You know, that's the thing. I didn't know what I was taking. Remember, it was a real loosey-goosey time back then".

        Loosey goosey, baby!!! Woo-Hoo!!!

Well, not knowing or remembering is no longer a problem, because the latest scandal comes with medical and financial testimony direct from the recently shuttered "Biogenesis of America" clinic (closed in 2012) run by Anthony Bosch, a self-styled biochemist with absolutely no medical training whatsoever. Bosch isn't a real doctor; he just pretended to be one in an attempt to impress his major league clientele. His father, Dr. Pedro Bosch, is the one with the medical license, and he has written PED scripts for MLB players in the past. His son was charging Rodriguez $12,000 dollars a month for services and products. He would personally go to Alex's house in Key Biscayne to administer injections every couple of weeks. One time, Bosch went to draw blood and fucked the procedure up so badly (because he couldn't fiend a vein) Rodriguez threw him out of his house. A-Rod was left bleeding profusely, probably wondering how all that money can buy him is a quack of such epic magnitude as to rival Donald Duck in sheer, unadulterated incompetence.

Here is the laundry list-a veritable cornucopia, if you will-of steroids and various other supplements Rodriguez was taking during the course of his treatment with Bosch-

Testosterone: Banned substance applied by cream at 10% strength.

L-Glutathione: Antioxidant used for cell repair Troches: 19% testosterone-laced lozenge used prior to workout.

Troches: 19% testosterone-laced lozenge used prior to workouts.

Pink cream: Trans-dermal delivery of testosterone.

HgH: Injectable growth hormone, a banned substance.

CJC: Injectable growth hormone-releasing hormone.

GHRP: Injectable growth hormone-releasing peptide.

IGF-1: Banned substance; stimulates insulin and muscle growth.

Zinc: Essential mineral used as a dietary supplement.

Amino acids: Supplement aids in recovery and building of muscle tissue.

Vitamin D: Immune system booster.

Omega-3, -6, -9: Essential fatty acids.

5-HTP: Boosts serotonin production in brain.

DHEA: Testosterone precursor.

Resveratrol: Plant-based supplement marketed as anti-aging agent.

Melatonin: Hormone that helps regulate sleep and wake cycles.

Glucosamine- Supplement used for joint and cartilage health.

Alpha lipoic acid: Antioxidant that helps turn glucose into energy.

Ibuprofin: Anti-inflammatory drug to treat minor aches and pains.

Rodriguez is concerned that MLB and the New York Yankees are conspiring to single him out to void what is left of his ridiculous contract, which totals $114 million dollars over the next five years. What he should concern himself with is how he's going to come back and play third base with a straight face after lying for so long about his PED use. Never has 647 career home runs looked so inconsequential in light of how they were attained. But remember, the average baseball fan fervently believes that steroids do not help you hit a baseball. This lie will be put to the test the second Rodriguez takes the field if and when he recovers from his latest hip surgery.

Ray Lewis, the born-again uber-zealot who spends every waking moment the camera's on him preaching to the masses who share his visceral enthusiasm for gratuitous violence and religion, has been implicated in a deer antler scandal, which supposedly mimics the effects of HgH without the hassles of tripping a potential positive test. This substance DOES contain IGF-1, which IS banned. For you non-believers, it is a Festivus Miracle that Ray came back from a complete biceps tear in two months when it usually takes the average heathen six to eight months, including rehab. And at 38 years of age, the body usually doesn't heal as quickly as it would if one were younger. To make this even more ridiculous, his first game back he records 17 tackles. SEVENTEEN. And he is supposed to have gotten this accomplished with absolutely no pharmaceutical help whatsoever.

C'mon, Ray. Please give us something more to go on than this bullshit. He supposedly called the guy who sold him this crap, some asshole named Mitch Ross, owner of the company "Alternatives to Steroids" and told him, "give me everything you got". What exactly constitutes "everything", you ask? We can only surmise that it must have been some seriously powerful shit, given the speed of Lewis' comeback and the quality of his play thereafter. Is there anything ethically wrong with using banned substances to recover from an injury? That's not the point. Just don't be a fucking hypocrite about it. Or better yet, just keep your damn mouth shut and stop telling us it was Divine Intervention that aided in your recovery. I would have been more convinced if Lewis had transfused some of Charlie Sheen's Tiger Blood-someone needs to patent that shit so Mario Cipollini can come out of retirement.

Mitch Ross and his snake oil-

Manti Te'o was not to be outdone. His story of being in an internet relationship with someone he'd never met was preposterous enough on the sheer face of it. I called bullshit on it the second I heard it. He could have stopped right there and it would have been enough, but no. Turns out he lied to his father about meeting her, and the guy who supposedly perpetrated the hoax, Ronaiah Tuiassosopo, was the fictitious girlfriend in question all along. So it was a guy who was in love with Te'o, who then goes on Dr. Phil to confess that "he might be gay". Gee, ya think? Just a little bit, asshole? I can't think of someone more in dire need of psychiatric supervision as to put himself out there on national television for their "Brokeback Mountain" moment with a straight face. Have these losers no shame? No they don't. That's why I'm writing about them.

Let's set the table here-we have a star linebacker at Notre Dame, a cat who came in second in the Heisman voting, something almost unheard of for a defensive player. Te'o accomplishes this during a year of national resurgence for one of the most storied D-I college football factories in the United States that has been floundering for more than twenty years. And this motherfucker has to resort to getting Catfished while living on a campus full of the most attractive and stunning coeds in the Midwest, women who are more than happy to line up and get fucked by a football player. Get outta here with that.

Manti's stupid face was plastered all over television during this debacle, and he was interviewed by ESPN's Jeremy Schaap, who decided that after the grilling he gave Te'o decided his story was "credible". Some people will believe anything, apparently. But not us here on "Busting Chops". We don't believe anything, and this includes this cock-and-bull storyline about a fake girl who he was in love with for three years without ever having met her, and the person he did speak to on the phone pretending to be her was a dude. Too bad she died a fake death, because she too would have been on the Oprah Show right after Lance Armstrong confessing to being part of the fraud.

This leads us to where we are now. As a society, we have issues with putting idiot athletes on pedestals they don't belong on. Eventually, children grow out of believing in certain fantasies and they get over it. Once kids realize Santa Claus isn't real, that the gifts planted under the Christmas tree were purchased by their long-suffering parents and not some stupid-looking fat white man in a red suit flying around on a tricked-out snow mobile harnessed to a bunch of reindeer, they cope. Adults however, especially sports fans, are incapable of this. Their worlds spin completely out of control when their favorite athletes are exposed as frauds and/or lunatics.

We hear the same excuses all the time-steroids don't help you hit a baseball (of course they do). Conditioning and nutrition can perform miracles (of course they don't). Elite athletes can heal and come back from injuries faster than ever thanks to advances in sports medicine (ask Greg Oden if this is even remotely true). There are certain injuries no athlete can recover from, injuries so catastrophic they end careers. If you ask him, Ray Lewis' miraculous recovery was down to some serious Holy Intervention. Turns out it was probably copious amounts of deer antler spray, and quite possibly some other products we have no idea about because he will never tell the truth.

Alex Rodriguez was under the care of Anthony Bosch up until last year, and his name has appeared in the documents so far procured a total of sixteen times. We've highlighted his career trajectory on this blog. His stats have steadily gone downhill faster than a turd flowing down a flushed toilet, yet according to this latest report he never stopped taking PED's. This is what happens with steroid abuse. His body became worn out from the superhuman effort it takes to perform at a level it was never meant to perform at, and what we are left with is an aging dinosaur with terminally fucked up hips who will never recover from his injuries to even  remotely warrant the years and money left on his gargantuan contract.

Then there is Manti Te'o, whose mental capacity must be questioned in light of his surreal and obnoxiously self-centered tale of internet love gone bad. This attention whore got exactly what he wanted, and we paid the price. But he also paid, and there is some justice in the fact that not only his draft his draft stock fell according to "The Great Kazoo" lookalike and ESPN draft guru Mel Kiper, but according to a recent poll Te'o is the second most hated athlete in American behind "Busting Chops" poster boy Lance Armstrong. It also didn't help that in the NCAA title game between Notre Dame and Alabama, the Crimson Tide boogied on Te'o like he was a dollar-a-dance hoochie in some seedy Mexican border town saloon. When those cats got through working him over, he looked like he had gotten steamrolled by a conga line of Soul Train dancers.

The Great Kazoo-

Kazoo's long-lost brother, ESPN football draft guru Mel Kiper-

Here you have it-three different stories from three different assholes. It's only February, and already the assholes are out in full force in the sports world for 2013. Stay tuned for more, because there will always be more. It will never end.

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