Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Asshole Olympics...

Unlike the regular Olympics, where countries from around the world send their best and brightest steroid-ridden amateur/professional athletes to compete against those of other nations in the spirit of fair play, THESE Olympics do not require anyone to be physically fit.

The person in question just has to be an asshole, someone who has said or done something so stupid as to force me to rip them for it. Their very name must make people cringe in disgust when uttered. And the malfeasance has to be of equally monumental proportions commiserate with their status in life. So by definition, the bigger the public figure, the bigger the asshole.

And right out the box, these candidates have eschewed desires for merely making it onto the podium. They've set the bar so high for sheer assholian quintessence and have taken such herculean strides to snag the gold in what are these, the Asshole Olympics, that only cats vying for that number 1 spot will be highlighted. We have no room for the silver or bronze. And forget honorable mention. I'll make sure that all candidates worthy of this honor walk away with the gold.

We start in the world of sports with, you guessed it-

Mark McGuire-

We are supposed to believe that Big Mac only took steroids to stay healthy enough to go out there and play. His exact words were he was a "walking M*A*S*H unit". Funny, in most medical facilities they usually don't prescribe horse steroids as a course of treatment for lingering baseball injuries. So this guy could not get fit or healthy enough to play the same sport that lard-asses Bartolo Colon and CC Sabathia play? Here is a recent quote from one of the game's true iron men, Carlton Fisk-

"Try having your knees operated on and catching for 30 years. Do you think you feel good when you go out there? [McGwire] had to stand around and play first base. So excuuuuuse me."

Baseball was incredibly strenuous for McGuire, what with having to sit on his ass in the dugout for half the game while the other half was spent standing on first base waiting for someone to throw him the ball. McGuire was the type of elite athlete who'd pull a hammy spitting sunflower seed shells all over the dugout. So since he could not accept the inevitable (that he was washed up and wasn't the great home-run hitter he thought he was) he decided to turn to the needle. Which of course did not effect his hand-eye coordination whatsoever as he vehemently stresses. Yeah, right.

I'm sick of these idiots saying this. If you can get your bat speed to the point where people watching you can't see the bat from how fast you swing it, then 'roids DO have a great deal to do with improving your hitting. And here's a newsflash for those of you who are unaware-HGH has been reportedly known to improve the eyesight of users to the point where some have been able to get rid of glasses/contact lenses for the length of time they were doing a cycle. It certainly did wonders for McGuire's eyesight, because instead of seeing a mediocre career go down the tubes he began to see the ghost of Roger Maris, followed by the mass adoration of baseball fans and the inevitable dollars that followed his success.

All of this must have been quite a burden on his conscience, especially after his own brother Jay McGuire threw him under the bus in an autobiography no publishing house wanted to touch. (Someone forgot to tell Jay that tell-all books aren't for people no one gives a shit about). So homeboy exposes himself as just another frustrated wanna-be athlete jealous of his brother's success who injected even more than Mark did because he was a competitive body builder. He demonstrated one of the classic symptoms of 'roid rage-a borderline psychotic need to rip his own brother's reputation to shreds over petty jealousy. Note to this born-again jackass-Jay, next time you want to bury the hatchet with your own flesh and blood, try not to smash it in his skull. It's very unbecoming.

This unburdening of McGuire's conscience to the public at large just so happens to come on the heels of his new job as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals. He had plenty of time to come out with this jive-ass bullshit way before this, but decided now was the best time because, hey!!! Baseball is welcoming him back with open arms!!! Just ask...

Tony LaRussa-

This cocksucker always thinks he's the smartest guy in the room, which usually isn't that big a stretch if you've spent most of your adult life surrounded by meathead pro ball players like he has. This self-professed "genius" and law school graduate has a hard-on for McGuire that rivals the erection Harry Reems busted whenever Linda Lovelace got within 5 feet of him. So LaRussa's homo-erotic man-crush has enabled McGuire to land work as a hitting instructor, and Mark has stated that he can't wait to tap into his mental Rolodex to help the Cardinals' hitters get better.

We here at Busting Chops tapped into our mental Rolodex (Google) to see exactly what the fuck this oversized wanna-be Charlie Lau was talking about. In 16 years of playing baseball McGuire hit over .300 only three fucking times. THREE. Seven of those years he hit .260 or below. He never got anywhere near 200 hits for a season EVER, the minimum gold standard for hitting excellence.

Here is a breakdown of three very interesting years in this asshole's career-

Games Played---------------Batting Average---------------Home Runs

1989- 143-------------------------- .231--------------------------- 33

1990- 156-------------------------- .235--------------------------- 39

1991- 154-------------------------- .201--------------------------- 22

The aforementioned numbers need no analysis. Without the steroids, which he said he began taking after 1991, you can see for yourself what type of hitter McGuire REALLY WAS. So LaRussa, in his infinite wisdom, crowns a guy with these pathetic stats a hitting guru. Even with the 'roids, he was a one-dimensional player. Yes, he cracked 49 dingers his rookie season. But he was never a HITTER. Rod Carew, George Brett, Tony Gwinn-those cats were HITTERS. This motherfucker did one thing and one thing only-he swung for the fences and either hit it out, walked or struck out. THAT"S IT. If LaRussa thinks McGuire belongs in the Hall of Fame then so does Dave Kingman, who was Mark McGuire without the wynstrol and testosterone.

McGuire's stats quoted above say one thing. His stats after he began using steroids say another. What might that be, you ask? They say this-

LaRussa has said he never had a clue McGuire was juicing, that all he saw was the hard work Mark put into the game. Hey LaRussa-that's exactly what steroids allow you to do-work harder. How the fuck do you think he got so big so fast? LaRussa has stated how he wants McGuire back in baseball because he respects his work ethic and (get this crock of holy horseshit) "INTEGRITY". This seems absurdly comical until you realize who's saying it.

Here is LaRussa, the man who values integrity above all else, in a Florida holding pen after being arrested for DUI-

LaRussa's monumental arrogance and overinflated stature in baseball stems from the vomit inducing myth-making apparatus that ex-players, sportscasters and fans all gleefully participate in. The incessant ass-kissing from the so-called "insiders", a group of ex-jocks and announcers who would rather wipe pine tar on their testicles than spend quality time with their families, is always in full effect with these cocksuckers. They go on about the sanctity of the game and how hallowed most if not all baseball records are...

Yet not once do they ever mention that if it wasn't for segregation upheld by then-baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis back in the days no one would be talking about any of the current flock of chemically-enhanced steroid puppies and their assaults on the hallowed home run records. Because this man would have put them all out of reach-

Some of us are not stupid enough to believe any of this bullshit. Blind hero worship does not infect all fans of this great game. Besides, nothing here on "Busting Chops" is sacred when it comes to exposing arrogant, self-important dickheads, and everything is fair game for scrutiny and ridicule.

The way his fanboys make it seem, you'd think LaRussa received his law degree from an Ivy League university. Not quite. It was from Florida State University College of Law. In the center of the campus dining room hangs a portrait of the school's esteemed founder, J. Giggles Flintstone himself-

LaRussa is the idiot if he thinks we can't see hiring McGuire as a hitting instructor as anything but a blatant attempt to reconstruct McGuire's tarnished reputation so he can get voted into the Hall of Fame. Hopefully it won't happen in their lifetimes, but at least they each have the consolation of winning gold medals at the Asshole Olympics.

Albert Pujols-

Rounding out the podium is Albert Pujols, who welcomed McGuire back to the fold with open arms. He stated in an interview with ESPN that "he was proud of him for coming out and to look forward". Look forward. What this means, as used by athletes caught cheating, is to sweep it under the rug as if their steroid use never happened.

As if it had nothing to do with raising their level of athletic accomplishments.

As if it had nothing to do with the mega dollars they made in salary and endorsements.

As if their use of performance-enhancing drugs did not leave an indelible mark on society-cheat at your chosen sport and you will be rewarded handsomely.

Get caught, show contrition, lie about what cannot be proven in a court of law and be welcomed back to the fold.

And then turn the situation on it's head and claim victimhood for being persecuted.

Gotta love this country. I suggest these three assholes go to Haiti and help dig people out of the rubble. It will do wonders for their lack of humility. They still have time to get people out alive. Today, a young boy was found after being buried for eight days. EIGHT DAYS.

This poor little boy is someone we should all look up to. He has shown more courage and resiliency in what has to be one of the biggest tragedies to befall any country since the dawn of mankind. But hey, what's more important than pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a couple of weeks? Fuck you, Albert. Fuck all three of you graceless, classless motherfuckers for making a mockery of what sport should be about.

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