Saturday, April 7, 2012

Fuck Tiger Woods Already...

Somebody had to say it, so it might as well be us. And I'm not alone in elucidating this particular sentiment. Everyone here at the home office of "Busting Chops" feels exactly the same way. A couple of weeks ago Woods won his first tournament since his ex-wife took a driver and hit a wedge shot that slammed him all the way into the worst bunker he's ever had to slither out of. I have no idea what I just said, because I'm not well-versed in golf parlance, nor do I care to be. There's a reason for this-golf isn't a sport. Never was, never will be. It's stupid to watch and the people who play it are annoying, none more so than Tiger Woods himself. Here he is having a classic meltdown at the 2012 Master's, shanking the shit out of a shot that goes far wide and into the crowd-

Anything where being rich and white gives you an advantage can never be called a sport. It's a country club contrivance that allows bloated, sagging, Caucasian octogenarians the ability to get away from their disgusting, Botox-embalmed wives so they can smoke cigars with the boys and talk about what it feels like to be masters of the universe. This Old Boy's Club wasn't ready for a brother to kick their asses on the links. It didn't happen because Tiger woods isn't really black. He's never identified himself as black, his image doesn't resonate with the black community, and he certainly doesn't take a stand on any controversial issues that affect the black community, like how brothers are only allowed into the most exclusive country clubs only to be servants, grounds crew attendants and caddies.

Woods was supposedly going to cause a groundswell of interest in the sport amongst blacks, but that never happened because he never reached out to them. If he did, it was in such a quiet fashion no one heard him. Let's be real-the country clubs don't want blacks sharing their space, and blacks don't give a shit about golf. During his whole career up to this point, I've never heard any of my black friends say they had to stop what they were doing to watch Woods catch wood on the back end of a par nine. Not so with cats like Michael Jordan, who, love him or hate him, stopped traffic almost every single time he was on television.

So after a salacious, world-wide sex scandal and the attending ridicule, a costly divorce, 45 different surgical procedures on various body parts and the loss of many of his sponsors, here is Woods at the Master's throwing clubs, hitting spectators with errant golf balls (one almost hit me and I live in the Bronx) and acting out like a petulant little bitch-ass child. His profanity-laced tantrums are nothing new-for him they are, shall we say, "par for the course". But there is more to this than meets the eye.

There is nothing more pathetic than watching an athlete lose it before ones' very eyes. This is what is happening to Woods. He seems incapable of tailoring his game to anything but sheer dominance, unlike say, Michael Jordan, who became an overweight (yet still eerily effective) jumpshooter with a bum knee and no hops whatsoever. If Tiger isn't front running, he's not in it to win it. Yes, he can still place high in tournaments, but no one wants to see that. If he's going to do that and nothing more, who the fuck will care? That's what happens when you set the bar too high and can no longer jump over it with relative ease. And good riddance to his so-called "domination". Golf needs to breathe some fresh air, because Woods has sucked it out of the room for far too long, and it has benefited only one person-himself.

Blacks aren't allowed to be mediocre in any aspect of American society. They must be twice as good just to be let into the same room as everyone else. So if you show up with a brother for a golf partner, everyone expects the cat to be a ringer, or else why bring him along? If the brother in question is going to be as mediocre as everyone else, why not save everyone the discomfort and just bring another white guy to the course? You really stunt the atmosphere when the guys can't spend an afternoon on the links relaxing and telling racist jokes when there's a brother around. That really kills the atmosphere.

So Tiger Woods had to be that guy-the phenom who was not only better than all the other black players out there struggling to make inroads into this racist, lilly-white bullshit non-sport, but crushingly better than all the other white cats who've dedicated their lives to upholding the unwritten rules that have kept golf exclusively upper-class and white for centuries. And this was part of the reason why he's fucked now that he's crashed down to Earth.

Another thing was his image. To maximize corporate sponsorship levels to unprecedented heights, his race had to be eliminated from the equation. Woods wasn't selling himself as a black man dominating a white sport. He was polished, erudite, sophisticated, infused with an insufferable, arrogant air of supreme invincibility and huge, blindingly alabaster front teeth that made him palatable to the predominantly white audience he was marketing himself to. This was the only way White America would tolerate a brother fucking their game up with skills never seen before and more than likely never to be seen again.

But that ride is over. His physical decline has already taken place. The injuries he's accrued have been borderline catastrophic. And as much as he prides himself on his physical fitness, ask any athlete what happens when a knee goes. It's a wrap after that. No amount of steroids or German platelet therapy is going to change the fact that he's done as a dominating player. Will a mediocre Tiger still have fans? Yes. Will he still be hired as a corporate shill, selling product for massive amounts of money? The numbers say yes. But that's because there is no other player out there with nearly as compelling a story, except recently it's been nothing but lurid tabloid fodder.

Woods is guilty of one thing-setting the bar too high for other black players coming after him. This is why during his sixteen years as a professional, we have not seen one other black golfer break through the highest ranks of pro golf. His influence in this regard has been absolutely stifling. It's not his fault, mind you-his approach has always been about himself and the crafting of an image that was clearly, in retrospect, at odds with reality. My question to him would be this-why go through the trouble of seeking out such a beautiful woman to marry, a white woman at that, knowing what you'd lose if you were caught cheating, and then cheat on her with so many trashy white broads? It's almost like marrying a Brazilian supermodel and then trolling Queens Boulevard for one of those skanky, disease-ridden Puerto Rican whores that stroll that particular part of NYC. I don't get the logic. Monumental hubris must be a motherfucker.

On the other hand, you can't blame someone for being more talented than the field by the widest berth we've ever seen. But it just goes to show you that in the world of country club "sports" (and when referring to golf, I use the term "sport" loosely) there are many more challenges to face other than having Wood's big stupid face plastered on every commercial that's shown during a golf tournament and being comapred to him at every turn. The Williams sisters really got tennis going in the inner cities, didn't they, judging by all the black talent that's come up after them. Then again, I don't think normal women could ingest the massive amount of steroids they take and still live to play a whole match at Wimbledon.

So fuck you, Tiger. Fuck you and your corporate branding, fuck your humongous set of fake choppers, fuck your arrogance and fuck your petulance. Fuck your obnoxious sense of urgency, as if walking from hole to hole is akin to a brain surgeon strolling into the ER to save a patient with massive head injuries. It's time to have others share the limelight for a change in a so-called sport that sorely is in need of an injection of new and compelling characters. We've all had enough of you, and even if you miraculously come back to break the record for most majors, everyone will STILL be talking about how much money our ex-wife walked away with for doing absolutely nothing in life. That will be your legacy. Own it, you've certainly done enough to deserve your place in the pantheon of douchebag athletes who could have done more and done it better but chose the low road instead.

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