Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Tales from The 'Hood...

This new investigative series chronicles the myriad ways in which dysfunctional, hoodrat motherfuckers of the ghetto sabotage themselves and their families, leading to generational poverty due to overall stupidity which knows no bounds. The stories are horrifying, tragic, ironic, self-destructive and hopefully make for a pleasant and entertaining read. We here at "Busting Chops" feel there is no better pick-me-up than laughing at someone elses' misfortunes, especially when those misfortunes are self-inflicted.

Harry* hasn't a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of. He has no place to stay because his father decided to re-marry and move his blushing new ghetto loser bride in to his apartment along with two of her crack babies from a previous dalliance. Given this scenario, Harry was the obvious choice as odd man out. With nowhere else to go, he gets a fat bitch pregnant because birth control is beyond someone this stupid. They were staying at her mother's house until all three of them got thrown out.

Harry has a low-paying job off the books. He is also renting a room from someone where she cannot stay. His girlfriend decided to go to a shelter because the city would then help her get an apartment. While in the shelter, she meets up with another homeless asshole and they decide to get together to plot against Harry. Say what you will about Harry, but at least he was giving this dumb ho money for their child. Very admirable of him. She thought if she took him to court, he would have to give her more than whatever it was he was giving her. What this idiot didn't know was you cannot have the court garnish the wages of someone getting paid off the books because there is a little legal issue called "proof of income".

Once in front of the judge, Harry stated that he wasn't working. He had to lie because, what else was he going to do? And it's not like his ex had any proof he was employed, since officially Harry didn't have an apartment under his name. There was nothing she could prove except that she's a fat fucking bitch. The judge then settles on $25 a month, which is much, much less than what he was originally giving her. In fact, that was less than what he was giving her A WEEK. So because she decided to listen to her homeless Lothario and took Harry to court, she winds up getting just enough money for an occasional trip to Kennedy Fried Chicken and a bottle of Thunderbird wine to wash it down with. Stupidity is like infinity, ladies and gentleman-it knows no bounds.

Ah, but it gets better. The judge then tells Harry to try a little harder to get a job because he has a child who depends on him. Instead of saying "Yes, Your Honor-I'll try harder" and leaving it at that, Harry decides to get stupid, just as he was almost in the clear. Not only were his payments lowered, but he was able to rub it in his ex girlfriend's face for trying to extort him. He replies (to the judge, mind you) "Yeah? If you think it's so easy out there, why don't you get me a job?"

Someone should have told homeboy that you don't talk to judges like this. The judge then retorts-"Well, Harry, I'll put you in a court-mandated job program. Once you are trained and placed, you'll come back and see me so I could then take more money out of your earnings.". This not only jeopardizes Harry's current employment (he cannot possibly work a full-time job AND attend a training program at the same time) but if he loses his current job he won't be able to pay for the room he is currently renting, so unless he can manage to be at two places at once, he's probably going to lose someway somehow. Let's hope he can extricate himself from this Gordian Knot of dysfunction long enough to gain some stability in his life.

Here's to you, Harry-good fucking luck. And remember, don't talk shit to the next judge who presides over your case. He may not be as nice as the last one you were in front of.

*Names, dates and other pertinent information which would lead to the identity of said people have been changed. Not to protect the innocent, but to keep them from further shame and ridicule. Not that it matters to anyone here at the home office at "Busting Chops", but if we didn't provide a modicum of anonymity, we wouldn't get out hands on such tales of relentless woe.

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