Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My baloney has a first name...

The ultra-conservative wing (who happen to be anything BUT conservative) of the Republican Party have made much about last week being the first time in American history where Caucasian births have been overtaken by non-Caucasian births. As one can well imagine, the Rush Limbaughs and Sean Hannitys of the world have been up in arms over this. Their poor country is being overtaken by hordes of illiterate, hyper-aggressive gang members who do nothing but drink malt liquor and commit crimes alongside their mindless ghetto hoochies who cannot stop over-breeding because they just loves them some food stamps, Section 8 housing vouchers, jiggetts and medicaid.

I think the reason "minorities" are having more babies than Caucasians in the US stems from the ineffective use of baloney as a deterrent to procreation. Here is how this debacle occurred-during the Tuskegee syphilis experiments, a scientist accidentally spilled a chemical called Kloron-9 onto a piece of rotten eggplant. The chemical reaction inadvertently created a rancid piece of super-crap that defies all logic.

 Consider these points-

1) Baloney is not a meat, yet it is used in sandwiches-but only in minority neighborhoods. When was the last time you were at an upscale deli and someone ordered baloney?

 2) It has no nutritional value whatsoever, yet children from underprivileged backgrounds who ingest this product on a continual basis (free lunch programs during the summer-we all know how minorities just loooove free stuff!!!) outperform their Caucasian counterparts in physical tests of speed, agility and vertical leap*. (*Google the NFL combine for proof)

3) Baloney is so relentlessly sturdy it cannot be digested by humans, yet it is served as a lunchtime alternative to real food.

4) Baloney cannot be contained. It dissolves plastic, melts glass and disintegrates any and all metals. This is why it must be packaged in a gelatinous sludge from another failed experiment whose idea was used by Hollywood screenwriters as the basis for “The Blob”.

5) Its unyielding properties allows a slice of baloney to be thrown like a Frisbee that can shatter a car windshield with relative ease and be utilized as insulation on all NASA flights into outer space. If one were to wear a face mask made out of baloney, one could successfully ward off an anthrax attack.

Scientists concluded that baloney is so toxic no human who ingests it on a regular basis would be able to procreate, hence the perfect contraceptive for all those pesky, over-breeding minorities. Scientists figured if they could somehow force-feed this new wonder product to the minority populations of the US, it would stem the tide of mindless minority breeding. But how?

They decided to work in conjunction with the Oscar Mayer meat company to sign non-compete contracts with all penitentiaries and inner-city public schools, both housing captive minority audiences with the ability to limit their gastronomic choices to the point where both prisoners and students would come to enjoy eating it.

The experiment backfired, because it turns out baloney only adversely affects those with no melanin in their skin. You could feed baloney to Tim Tebow all you want and it still won’t turn him into Cam Newton.

So now politicians are considering ways to have Mexicans, for whom overbreeding comes naturally, to populate the US as long as they maintain their Catholic, devoutly religious roots while simultaneously being despised and marginalized by US lawmakers and those who espouse a conservative illegal alien agenda. If any of this sounds hypocritical and loony, well, judging from the tone of the conservative agenda spewed by the Republican Party, I’d rather be full of baloney than full of shit.

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