Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Major League Baseball's PED Asscapades Pt. I...

Melky Cabrera, Dominican-born major league baseball player for the San Francisco Giants, received a 50-game suspension for testing positive for steroids. MLB, who have the most lax steroids testing program this side of the former Eastern Bloc, has busted yet another Dominican player. But he wasn't going down without a fight, so to speak, if you can call what transpired next "fighting". He and his crack team of enablers set up a fictitious website that sold a sports ointment in the Dominican Republic that contained testosterone. In an attempt to blame for the cause of his positive doping test. Except the scam didn't work, and now Cabrera has MLB investigators and Jeff Novitzky on his ass.

The fake website was purchased for $10,000 juevos by a paid associate of Cabrera's named Juan Nuñez. The purpose of this ill-conceived and poorly executed scam was to evade a suspension by claiming the positive test was the result of the inadvertent use of a tainted cream.

The MLB Collective Bargaining Agreement allows for such a circumstance when determining suspensions, but Cabrera was a little too slick for himself, and the scheme unraveled faster than you can say HgH.Initially, Cabrera seemed to take his suspension well and came off as not as full of shit as other busted ball players (like Asshat Ryan Braun, who got off on a technicality but has still refused to come clean about his steroid use). Here is his statement to the press-

"My positive test was the result of my use of a substance I should not have used. I accept my suspension under the Joint Drug Program and I will try to move on with my life. I am deeply sorry for my mistake and I apologize to my teammates, to the San Francisco Giants organization and to the fans for letting them down."

That seemed alright. He would serve his time and that would be the end of that. No, it wasn't...

Juan Nuñez is one of a long line of anonymous Dominican hustlers who attach themselves to famous Dominican ball players like a barnacle. But he's not the only slickster in this sordid affair. Cabrera is represented by Sam and Seth Levinson. Their company is called-how's this for some cynically ironic shit-ACES, which stands for Athletes Career and Enhanced, Inc.

Nuñez is a paid consultant of this company, but  the Levinsons claim  he is NOT an official employee of their agency. Nuñez acts in the unofficial capacity of "handler", aiding in communication between Spanish speaking players and the agency. The Levinsons claim no knowledge of the shenanigans Nuñez was up to, despite the fact the whole sordid affair reeks of collusion. Here is a quote from the NY Daily News-

“What they did was they bought an existing Spanish language website that sold health products — actually, they bought three websites,” said a source familiar with the case. “They just stuck a banner up on it. It had a product ad and a picture of the jar. It was all in Spanish.”

After this nonsense came to light, nobody knew anybody or anything. It's smart for the Levinsons to let a peripheral character like Nuñez take the rap for this shit, just like A-Rod did to his cousin when word got out about his steroid use. But don't think Nuñez wasn't handsomely paid for his voluntary acquiescence. For his efforts Nuñez has been banned from all major league clubhouses.

As for enablers, we have the mysterious Dominican shaman Angel Presinal, who "trains", among other Dominican MLB players, Bartolo Colón, who is listed at 5'11" and a conservative 265 pounds and was also recently busted and handed a 50-game suspension without pay. As an off-season publicity stunt, Colón was set to wrestle Abdullah the Butcher at an all-you-can-eat Texas barbecue, but went over the minimum wiehgt requirement set in the contract. Imagine being too fat to wrestle "the Madman from the Sudan". Fuckin' A...

Wherever he goes, Colón's always large and in charge-

You don't have to go to Taco Bell to get a Gordita-just sign Colón and you're all set!!!

Whenever a trainer comes recommended with the mythical "guru" tag, you know something's going on. Herein lies the issue-the United States has some of the most advanced sports medicine procedures in the world, yet Presinal, this bloated little weeble from a third world country renown for it's corruption, who has no formal medical training whatsoever is somehow a savant in the field of injury recovery. Yet no one can explain what he does or how he does it. And his clients keep his workouts a complete mystery from the rest of the world.

Here is Presinal with Colón, working out in the Dominican Republic-

Presinal was caught in a Canadian airport with a bag full of steroids while traveling with ex-MLB player Juan Gonzalez. For this stunt he's been banned from major league clubhouses, but that hasn't stopped his loyal clientele from utilizing his services. But soemtimes his conditioning program runs into the proverbial brick wall. His client Bartolo Colón is so out of shape he pulled a hamstring running from the pitcher's mound to cover a play at first base while playing for the Yankees and was sidelined for weeks.

Colón also underwent a controversial stem cell treatment in Miami because his fat arm was fried from lifting too many beers up to his fat fucking face. And now at age 39, he's suspended for the rest of the year and may not get a contract for next year.

Wanna smell like a fat, washed-up ballplayer on steroids? Then THIS is the fragrance for YOU!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment