Thursday, March 18, 2010

How to Groom Pt. 1...

Let's face it, guys-we have no idea what women want. And since they keep changing the goalposts whenever we think we're getting close, it's useless to even try. The trick is to know what you want for yourself and not give a damn who likes it or who doesn't. You'd be surprised how many women find this attitude refreshing and attractive. Unfortunately this revelation comes at a cost-but you can minimize the amount you pay in emotional distress and utter confusion by taking a page right out of MTV's smash hit reality show "Jersey Shore".

The key is to channel your inner "Guido", and there is no one better to help us navigate the pitfalls of this demanding yet utterly necessary and vital journey than Rhode Island's very own Paul "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio. This cat made a name for himself as the smooth-talking ladies man who never lost his cool under any circumstances and more importantly, never had a hair out of place, whether it was at the gym, the tanning salon or the club with the other cast members of the show fist-pumping to some truly unfortunate House music.

Here is Pauly D "hooking up" with yet another flirtatious and attractive hoochie mama-

We'll start with the hair-why? I'm sick and tired of the forced labor camp look I see most guys sporting. It's official-the ceasar haircut is played out. Nothing says "I give up" more than a badly shanked, chopped-up version of a terrible haircut masquerading as a lower-case baldy that you did yourself in your bathroom with a $20 Norelco beard trimmer. If you want to go bald, be a man and do it all the way with the proper tools-a Schick Select razor, some shaving cream and a bottle of rubbing alcohol to slap on your dome when you're done. If you can withstand that type of pain, you can rock a baldy with style. Most of you out there cannot, so why not try something different?

Here are the products you will need to pull this look off-

1) Joico ICE Spiker Glue.

2) Got2b Glued Plastering Freeze Spray.

3) Hair dryer.

4) Styling comb.

Don't waste your time experimenting with anything else. This combo works.

And if the problem is you're too cheap to get a proper trim at a barbershop, complete with a neatly-done hairline and a sideburns shape-up, then you might as well walk around with striped pajamas and install barbed wire around your windows, because that's what you look like walking out of your house with that stupid ceasar haircut-a fucking POW hitting the prison yard for morning roll call.

Here is a video to show you how it's done, son-

Next up-the tan. Many dermatologists say tanning machines cause cancer. You know what? Everything causes cancer. So how would you prefer getting it? Sitting in some bar every night drinking your life away pining for glory days past that only existed in your own head, or do you want to step up to the plate and start living? I would rather die looking good and having fun than waiting for my diseased liver to explode like a hand grenade.

Without a tan, the average guys' complexion varies between that of a dress mannequin and the cold slab of meat you'd find in any morgue refrigerator that was previously seen walking out of a bar rocking a caesar haircut before drunkenly stumbling into an oncoming bus.

You don't have to go overboard, just enough to give your skin a healthy glow. You'd be surprised what a difference it makes especially if you, like me, live in the northern part of the US where the winters are long and depressing. And this is coming from one of the whitest guys you'll ever run across.

I once had a dermatologist tell me that I should do myself a favor and get some sun every once in a while. She said this after I took my shirt off, and you could imagine the embarrassment I felt, as she was Irish and about as white as a 1920's film actress. Immediately I thought to myself, "If she's telling me I'm too pale, then something has GOT to be wrong!!!"

You can try if you live in the New York City area. They have the best tanning beds and the best prices with locations all over the tri-state area. This is the only way to keep your tan up during those brutal Northeastern winter months. Why walk around looking all pasty-faced and anemic when with a little effort you can stand out from the crowd?

I've been told that taking an interest in your looks is gay, or metrosexual (which basically translates into the same thing). Well, Pauly D and his incredibly obnoxious roommate Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino got more ass than a toilet during the filming of "Jersey Shore" and continued to do so once they began doing paid personal appearances at clubs and awards ceremonies. You tell me who's gay-these guys who are out there scoring more than Lebron James or the random, anonymous asshole sitting at home in his basement watching them on TV calling them names, with the remote control in one hand and a big bag of Fritos Lays' corn chips in the other?

So remember guys, it's not important to imitate someone elses' style-it may not work for you. The key is to incorporate whatever you can from different sources and through trial and error develop a style all your own. And don't forget to beat that beat up next time you're out on the dance floor-you'll thank me later.

Beat Up That Beat Ish (DJ Phlipz Remix - DJ Benny C Video) from DJ PHLIPZ on Vimeo.

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