Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Bloated Bureaucrats Strike Again...

FIFA has finally decided to address the issue of what has to be the biggest piece of shit soccer ball ever to be introduced in international play. Adidas, a company I happen to thoroughly endorse otherwise, busted out with the "Jalubani", the equivalent of what has been sarcastically compared to a supermarket ball-we've all seen them, the ones in the metal bins that make annoying kids even more annoying when given one to play with.

Ever try kicking one of these plastic pieces of shit at your local toy store? It heads in the exact opposite direction you aim for. The harder you kick it, the slower it takes off, picking up steam exactly at the point where any other normal object hurled through the air begins to slow down and fall to the ground-a marvel whose defiance of the laws of physics would drive Albert Einstein straight to the crack pipe. Yes, this is the template Adidas used for their "Jalubani" ball, which is a direct translation of some obscure African dialect meaning "Garbage".

But hey, the boys at FIFA aren't stupid. They wouldn't just toss out a ball like this during the most important and popular sporting event in the world, would they? Yes they would!!! But they hear the complaints loud and clear, as clear as the incessant droning of those idiotic vuvuzelas.

Here's a quote-

"We're not deaf," FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke said Saturday. "FIFA is not unreceptive about what has been said about the ball."

These assholes may not be deaf, but they certainly are dumb. One of the most infuriating aspects of any governing body is their failure to act with any type of speed for the good of the sport. They'd rather do what they always do-form committees, take their sweet-ass time making decisions and coming to conclusions that are guaranteed to piss everyone off. This is another prime example of institutional rigor mortis that must end for our beloved game to move forward.

FIFA will definitely look into the issue with this horrendous ball-after the World Cup is over. The easiest thing in the world to do, as we have not had any controversies regarding the ball being a major hindrance to one team over another, is to collect them all and burn them. Use another fucking ball, like whatever brand is used during European Premier League matches.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....not THESE motherfuckers. Why would they do anything as stupid as this? It will improve the quality of the matches going forward, now that the more bogus teams have been summarily dismissed in the early rounds of play. We are now heading to "The Sweet 16", where the play will get that much more intense. But the ball remains the same. Guaranteed there will be a team that will get knocked out of the World Cup because of the use of this ball.

FIFA doesn't care because if they took immediate action, what would they have to convene about afterwards? They wouldn't have an excuse to meet at some exotic locale, spending a fortune of FIFA's money on accommodations, first-class airfare, food and all the prostitutes these decrepit, porcine little rodents can muster to gang-fuck while hopped up on Russian vodka, caviar, Viagra and cocaine.

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