Thursday, August 4, 2011

A Domed Stadium in NYC...

New York City just witnessed a stadium building boom not seen anywhere else in the United States. We have the new Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, Citi Field in Queens for those pathetic Mets and, oddly enough, the new football stadium that houses the Jets and Giants, built in New Jersey of all fucking places. Yes, we now have three shrines to athletic greatness that yell out to fans-"Bring me your bloated, your flatulent, your hapless, doofy football/baseball-loving asswipes and I will entertain thee".

That's three gargantuan concrete/steel behemoths to house our professional teams, built in the span of only a couple of years. Even Madison square Garden is undergoing a multi-jillion dollar face-lift that is sure to raise ticket prices even higher than when Carmelo Anthony was signed to a ridiculous $65 million dollar contract extension. Ticket prices were summarily raised a whopping 50% practically from one day to the next, with no forewarning whatsoever. This happened courtesy of James Dolan, the cocksucking, crack smoking tool bag who had MSG, the Knicks and the Rangers fall into his incompetent lap because of his father's cable empire. Way to earn yours, motherfucker.

Despite the cost of these shiny new palaces, not one is equipped with a dome. This may not matter to the causal numb nut sports fanatic who doesn't mind tailgating while the winds of Jersey whip around at 45 miles an hour and the temperature doesn't rise about 20 below during football season, but it should. A dome isn't necessary to keep fans warm while they drink overpriced beer and belch and fart to their heart's content in stadium seats that can barely hold their corpulent, Hitchcockian whale carcasses, but it is necessary as a revenue producer in this modern age of sports.

The Einsteins who designed these monuments to the steroid freaks who play professional baseball and football didn't consider once that New York City, the greatest city in the world, will be unable to host a college basketball Final Four or any other such sporting spectacle. When was the last time a Superbowl was played outdoors? Yes, there are plans in the works to have one in the Jersey stadium very soon, but the people who sponsor these orgies of corporate excess want three things-

1) Amenities like sky boxes and private restaurants so they won't have to subject themselves to mingling with the yeoman slobs who occupy the cheap seats. Who would want to rub elbows with a bunch of ill-mannered working class losers? C'mon, man, this is America!!! Get with the fucking program!!!
2) Corporate sponsors want these events to be held in as big an arena as possible to sell as many tickets as possible, despite the fact that when you host a basketball tournament in a domed stadium, 90% of the seats are so bad you might as well watch the game from the fucking Moon. Some seats are so far away from the action you couldn't tell who was playing with a Hubble telescope.
3) Warmth. Football is a man's sport played by men in all weather conditions. The corporate bitch-asses who write off their weekend bacchanals on their expense accounts want none of this. They want to watch football in an indoor, temperature-controlled sarcophagus with all the amenities of home, with the exception of the wife and kids. You can't have a cocaine and hooker Superbowl party with Blanche screaming at you to watch the fucking meatloaf before it burns.

New York City is the perfect place to host such festivals of avarice, greed and gratuitous gluttony. Plenty of fancy hotels, an eclectic nightlife, prostitutes galore and more importantly, plenty of dark alleys to vomit and shit on yourself in public after a night of binge drinking. A sports fans' dream come true.

This costume won't work if he was outside freezing-
New York City could have done themselves a favor by having a multi-purpose stadium built in Queens so the Jets and Giants can play in the city they are named after. I believe we are the only sports town that has half its' professional sports teams playing outside it's jurisdiction. Mayor Bloomberg fucked up big-time. If lack of cash was the issue, he should have taken the money out of the public school budget and given it to the dickwads who fucked this project up.

Chicks dig the long ball, especially indoors!!!
The days of trying (and failing miserably) to educate lazy, shiftless, illiterate baboons are over. You want to see what a real-life "Planet of the Apes" looks like up close? Don't go to the movies, and don't go to the zoo. Just pass by Taft High School in the Bronx. The only difference between the students who attend that gang-infested shithole and real apes is that apes are more intelligent and better behaved.

Let's put that money to better use, like feeding it to corporate fat cats who deserve the best we can provide them, which in this case should be a publicly financed domed stadium. They deserve it, and so does the great city of New York, especially in these harsh economic times with so many assholes out of work. We really should be providing more for the corporate elites to make sure their comfort level never stoops to unacceptable levels. We owe them that much. The rest of us can do what we always do and just watch our teams on television-that's if we can afford cable TV by the time this happens.

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