Friday, June 22, 2012

King James Finally Gets His Crown...

Lebron James finally got the NBA championship ring pundits and other assorted ass-heads have been screeching about since he came into the league with the ridiculous nickname "The Chosen One". He's been derisively called "Queen James", "The Frozen One" (a sarcastic, snarky remark by ESPN dickwad deluxe Skip Bayless that he repeats about 500 times a day), and has taken about as much crap for one lousy performance in last year's Finals as any one athlete has taken for anything ever. Bayless, to his discredit, has never gotten off that particular topic.

His dislike of James is so visceral and at this stage beyond unprofessional (if you can call what he does for a living a profession) that on the ESPN show "First Take", Bayless was STILL getting on Lebron James for how he played last year. This guy will not let it go, which is why thankfully Mark Cuban came on the air and added some sanity to the world of sports talk by suggesting to Bayless that no one really cares what he thinks. Good one, Mark.

Don't get me wrong-I NEVER liked Lebron James, but it's nothing personal. It's a matter of style. It's hard to root for someone who is too big,  too fast, and too strong while also lacking a certain physical charisma that is hard to explain but you know it when you see it. Michael Jordan, Allen Iverson, Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwan, and Doctor J, among others, played with a certain inimitable style. James is nothing but an overgrown testosterone freak with a combination of skills no one has ever seen in a body only a mad scientist could create in a lab.

All the crap he took over the ill-advised manner in which he chose to announce his departure from Cleveland was nothing but overblown media hype. True, there has never been a more unintentionally ironic and self-absorbed moment offered by a professional athlete than when Lebron stated "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" on national TV, after a ridiculous build-up that spoke volumes of the ego and arrogance it takes to have done that with a straight face. I always wondered why more people didn't fall down laughing at the sheer audacity of it. Watching replays of it, Lebron's lips quiver, almost as if to say "I can't believe I'm saying this shit on national TV!!!"

 Imagine Hitler in September of 1939 saying to the world-"Don't consider this an act of unprovoked military aggression against a sovereign nation. Let's just say I'm taking my talents to Poland." Could anyone see Der Fuhrer utter such a bombastically arrogant remark? I laughed at the hubris, and the fact that Lebron's advisors actually sat in some office conjuring up this public relations nightmare and felt it would be great for his "brand". He was branded, alright-branded an asshole of gaping proportions by almost everyone. Yet he is so reviled his jersey is still a top-seller

 Clevelanders are a funny bunch. They've been one of the hardest-hit states during the course of this national recession and they still vote Republican, which makes this a good time to say not only did they deserve to lose Lebron, Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert was made to look even more like an ass when his prediction that his Cavaliers would a win a championship before Lebron did blew up in his face. How'd that little proclamation work out for you, Nostradamus? What are you going to do next, Dan? Don a multi-colored rhinestone cape and read everyone their horoscopes like Walter Mercado? What a fucking idiot.

 Now we'll be subjected to the endless debate over how many championships James will win, and how he'll compare to the all-time greats like Jordan and Kobe Bryant. The fact that Eddy Curry has a championship ring makes this title win seriously difficult to gauge, all things considered. Pat Riley put together a hodgepodge of players around James, Wade, and Bosh who will probably be on a revolving door out of South Beach.

Mike Miller seems to have suffered injuries so crippling that his next stop should be the "Murderball" circuit with Stephen Hawking. Shane Battier has maybe one good year left, and I really don't know about Mario Chalmers. All three of the Heat's best players seem to take turns yelling at him like he's the reason everything goes wrong. I have a feeling he'll be looking to leave just so they can stop screaming at him.

But hey, it was a good series until OKC went down three games to one. The only thing they have to worry about is getting Russell Westbrook to play like a point guard. If not, he has to go. And either James Harden is overrated or he just didn't show up. Whatever happens, he needs to shave that fucking stupid beard. He looks like a Pennsylvania yeoman farmer. Every time I see him I'm tempted to ask him what the price of corn is nowadays. Beards are for NFL offensive lineman, not basketball. And they look ridiculous on them, too.

 So congrats to Lebron and the rest of the Miami Heat. They didn't fuck up like they did last year. Now the pundits can finally get off their dicks.

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