Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th of July!!!

What is the preeminent event that exemplifies what America is all about on this great day? Fireworks? No. Celebrating our independence from Great Britain? Absolutely not. A day off from work, especially in the middle of the week? Barbecues with the family? Not even close.

It's the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn, New York. On display will be a uniquely gratuitous sort of gluttony that is shared by one and all Americans. Greed, avarice, gulosity, crapulence, whatever superlatives you'd like to use, this is what the day is really about. The forced ingestion of mass quantities of processed meat food products dunked in beer is what the 4th of July stands for, because that is what we've become-a nation of ravenous, corpulent gormandizers who look forward to eating until full, belching, farting and crapping said vileness from their systems, and then eating some more.

And since the world is running out of places for us to exploit in true corporate-elitist imperialist style, we have now turned our sights inward and have begun to eat ourselves like a cannibal zombie nightmare dipped in mustard, ketchup, vomit and hog grease, all wrapped in a Star-Spangled enema.

The Unites States, as presently constituted, make up only 6% of the world's total population, but we consume over 50% of its' resources, most of it in the form of hamburgers, hot dogs, beer, Pepto Bismol and toilet paper. We also hoard a large majority of the world's wealth, despite the fact that many right-wing conservative pundits would have everyone believe illegal immigrants are responsible for sucking up the rapidly emptying coffers of this once-proud nation.

The ones who are bringing us to our knees aren't the greedy bankers who, due to their corporate lobbying efforts, get to write the rules in their favor while absolving themselves of any wrongdoing in the form of publicly-financed bailouts whenever they fuck up. It's Pedro working for some landscaper in Parsippany, New Jersey or Griselda getting paid $135 US dollars for a 70-hour work week taking care of some rich white lady's spoiled, snot-nosed kids. These illegal aliens are destroying America for having the audacity to show up at their local emergency rooms when they're so sick they can't take it anymore and MUST see a doctor. Doesn't matter that their employers would never think of paying a living wage with health benefits to these underpaid, overworked losers. They're still losers and should continue to lose. That's what they get for being born poor. How dare they?

Republicans hearken back to the days when you could pay for a doctor's visit with a couple of chickens. But those glory days of yore never existed. You can't use "Little House on the Prairie" as a template to move this country forward, because back in the days that house was usually full of prostitutes and their drunken, odorous patrons shooting each other and spreading venereal diseases. Yeah, we need relive THAT disgustingly amoral scenario to make America great again.

We are NOT a land of immigrants. Just ask any Teabagger. They are convinced that they are the descendants of Europe's best and brightest, when the reality is they are the remnants of the trash Europe was desperately looking to throw overboard and dunk into the Atlantic Ocean first chance possible. Their ghettos, prisons, and whorehouses were disgorged of the most scurrilous filth on the continent and were told to board ships bound for parts unknown, length of trip unknown in conditions better left unknown.

What these hapless souls were escaping was poverty and religious intolerance. What they created was more poverty, racial intolerance and diseases the Native Americans were ill-equipped to overcome. And if that didn't do them in, there was the good ol' gun. Nothing Americans love more than a fair fight. The thirteen colonies didn't quite like the exploitative financial arrangement England instituted, and quite rightly revolted until they gained their independence.

Yet throughout our history we have aided and abetted every noxious Latin American dictator and helped overthrow democratically elected governments in that region for the sake of protecting our corporate hegemony over other sovereign nations. We wanted their resources, their cheap labor and in return they recieve slums, crime and poverty so abysmal as to defy belief. Sort of the very reasons we separated from Great Britain when they tried to do the same to us.

What says "Freedom" more than franks washed down with a pink, candy-flavored rectal diuretic?

Binge eaters, the true athletes of America...

Glory, Glory Hallelujah...

An example of what I'm talking about is a situation most Americans have no idea is taking place right under their fat stomachs. Remember all those toxic mortgages that were rewrapped, repackaged and resold like hot dogs in the form of credit default swaps? Then, the same people who were bundling them and selling them with A-I credit ratings were taking bets on their losing their value via insurance policies. Those financial instruments were the reason the whole system almost ground to a halt and caused a recession so massive in scale we're still floating down Shit's Creek without a paddle. Except now, the very banks that engaged in this criminal behavior have deals in place with the Federal government (who bought these toxic assets in the form of bailouts so these banks wouldn't go under) to buy back these mortgages for pennies on the dollar.

Read about it here-

So instead of cutting homeowners who've lost their homes a break, they plan on becoming landlords because they will be able to make more money renting in a slow economy than trying to fix the properties and putting them up for sale. This is what I mean about America feeding on itself, imperialist style. But like I said, its' easier for the average conservative to get mad at a couple of crackhead welfare recipients and illegal immigrants and blame them for all the economic problems we're having, because that's just how they roll. These are people who cannot utter the term "Puerto Rican" without the word "welfare" following right behind it, because the only qualities they equate Puerto Ricans and other minority groups with are laziness, drug abuse and criminal behavior.

The Teabaggers and others on the right side of the political spectrum are up in arms over the Supreme Court ruling that the nation's national health plan (imperfect but long overdue) is an injustice and a tax boondoggle. It will stifle freedom and will have a corroding effect on our liberties, leaving the entrepreneurs, financiers and all the other dickwads who think they're the masters of the universe scrambling to take their talents elsewhere, in vain search of the proverbial Galt's Gulch if you will.

Except such a place only exists in their fevered, Libertarian little pea brains. For these anti-American assholes who think paying their fair share of taxes is akin to socialism, I suggest four countries with limited government they should consider relocating to immediately-the tropical paradise of Haiti, Liberia, Sierra Leone or Somalia. Go now, because if America has taught us anything, it's that anyone can be replaced. And if anyone decides to leave, they won't be missed. That is the beauty of this country-we don't really need you.

Happy 4th of July, motherfuckers. Enjoy those processed, hyper-roasted pig snouts wrapped in plastic casings that take 500 years to dissolve in your intestines. Wash 'em down with some cheap beer and you'll save the coroner the trouble of having to rip open your bloated stomach with a hacksaw in search of a cause of death. He'll know from the red, white and blue shit stains on your underwear what caused your untimely demise.

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