Monday, October 3, 2016

Mike Ditka...

Football analyst and legendary fake tough-guy Mike Ditka went on a depressingly racist rant over Colin Kaepernick's protest of  the rash of police shootings of African Americans. It is true that Kaepernick is not the quarterback he was was when he took the San Francisco 49'ers to the Superbowl a couple of years ago. He's had three surgical procedures during the off-season and reportedly lost about 20 pounds. He lost his starting job and may never play for the team again, barring an injury to current QB Blaine Gabbert, despite the fact that in four games Gabbert has 4 td's and 4 interceptions and their record stands at 1-3. Yes, Gabbert sucks, but Kaepernick was voted in some anonymous poll as the most hated player in the game, which says a lot given the number of reprobates that inhabit the insular and maniacally dysfunctional world of pro football. Kaepernick is reviled for daring to make a point about how African Americans are policed, and that has opened severe cultural wounds that the establishment will never forgive him for. 

All manner of pundits took to the airwaves to make their feelings felt over this issue, but none did so with such boorish aplomb as Iron Mike. It was a hysterical, nonsensical tirade that went into so many deep-rooted tangents it was difficult to ascertain why a quarterback who isn't even playing could have inspired such Archie Bunker-esque vitriol. Dick-ka's response would be epic if it weren't so chock full of tired, racist cliches that have been repeated ad nauseum by others of his ilk. Dick-ka told Kaepernick in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't like it here in the United States he should go somewhere else, and make no mistake that by "somewhere else" he means back to Africa. He then threw in our current President, calling him the worst we've ever had for some insane reason, as if President Obama had anything to do with this.

And for the cherry topping, Dick-ka threw in the old racist white man's mantras of "hard work" and "personal responsibility". Well, let's get to the issue at hand-apparently he's has forgotten that if it weren't for all those lazy, uppity, entitled Negroes that constituted the overwhelming majority of players on the 1985 Bears team, he would not be wearing a Superbowl ring. And HE didn't win the 
Superbowl, it was the Bears' defense that put a stranglehold on every single team they faced, courtesy of defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan. It's no wonder Ryan and Dick-ka hated each other. Ask Dick-ka's ex-players why he is so beloved (insert sarcastic smirk emogi HERE) and they'll tell you he was a colossal dickhead. He was never forgiven in many circles for not getting Walter Payton the ball so he could score at least one touchdown in his one and only Superbowl appearance. To his credit, Payton never publicly criticized his coach for that douchebag move, but it just goes to show you what a tone-deaf asshole Dick-ka is.

By the way, Mike-who the fuck are "they"? Don't answer, we already know...

Thanks to our staff at "Busting Chops" was able to compile a couple of touching moments in the life of coach Dick-ka that should put his personality into perspective. Here they are-

True story-Ditka was doing a signing for some of his godawful smokes at a cigar shop in Western MA a few years back. He reeked of Jim Beam and Slim Jims, and half an hour in he decides he needs a break from signing autographs for the eleven people there to "drop sticks" (take a shit). Seventeen minutes later he's back and a waft of shit immediately filled the room. Evidently he flushed and didn't stick around to realize it had overflowed out onto the floor. The shop owner is doing damage control control, yelling to one of the staff to get it fixed ASAP, and there's Ditka yelling "don't look at me, I just took a goddamn piss!"...despite it being a one-person capacity bathroom that he just walked out of a second earlier!

I have eaten at Ditka's restaurant a few times. TWICE I have seen the bathroom attendant forced to take his lunch/dinner break meal in the bathroom. Yes, he was sitting there in the corner of the bathroom eating a burger while listening to and smelling an anus symphony. Gross. 

This past summer it was Mike Ditka Day at Arlington Race Track in Chicago. We were up inn  the suites. I'm walking to the bathroom and I see my buddy and Ditka walking in the same direction. He asks my buddy where the 'Goddamn bathroom is', and he shows him. I walk in as he enters a stall. He painfully fumbles with the lock for about 15 seconds and then says 'Aww fuck it!' and goes into the next stall. He then proceeds to immediately fucking explode on the toilet. Giant, heavy vibration on an empty bowl. My buddy and I were shocked and extremely amused and ran out of the bathroom like two middle school kids.

Where's the bathroom, motherfuckers? Time to blow it up!!!

In Dick-kas' defense, a relentless combination of cheap cigars and medium-rare steaks washed down with cheap booze and oxycodone pills is guaranteed to deliver a never-ending barrage of napalm-inspired ass-aults on any self-respecting toilet bowl, but such gastro-intestinal carpet bombing becomes epic emanating from the tired old donkey bowels of our boy Iron Mike. They have become so intense that the shit is overflowing from his ass straight out of his mouth. I'm surprised that not one sports pundit has called Dick-ka put on his bullshit. Where the fuck is blowhardius maximus Stephen A. Smith on this one? It seems that Dick-ka is so insulated from criticism by his reputation and the networks that employ him that he can say whatever he wants and get away with it. Or people are so scared about losing their jobs that they dare not speak out. Too bad. It would be a sorely needed breath of fresh air for someone to call Dick-ka out on his bullshit, which according to the sources above is approaching hazmat proportions.

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